Save My Soul

This [10]

10.

"You wanna try one?"

I glance at Jamie. He flushes beneath our shared scrutiny and his eyes skip from Alyssa's to mine, and then glance away. I shift uncomfortably against the tree I'm leaning on and pretend I didn't see the appeal in them.

"Uh..." he scratches the back of his head. Alyssa giggles and takes a long drag on the cigarette.

"C'mon, it won't kill ya."

"Yeah, that's what they all say," he mutters.

"Whaddaya... scared?" she drawls, blowing a soft ring into his face. He squints through the smoke and pulls back a little.

"No."

"Well then, try it."

"I shouldn't," he says, sounding torn.

"It's really not that big a deal."

Jamie doesn't answer, staring silently at the cigarette in her mouth.

She doesn't wait for him to decide. Shifting to her knees, she takes the cig from her mouth and leans forward to gently slip it between Jamie's lips, her fingertips lingering on his skin. He goes still and she smiles. "Just suck in a little bit... it's like drinking a milkshake."

Jamie's eyes dart to mine. There's something frantic in them, something scared and desperate. Stricken suddenly with the sense that this is wrong, that we shouldn't be doing this, I sit forward.

"Forget it, Alyssa, he's never done it before."

"I'm just offering him to try," she says without looking at me. I stare at Jamie. Slowly, his eyes drop away from mine, down to the cigarette wedged between his lips. Alyssa is still holding it there. He reaches up and for a moment, I think he's going to pull the cigarette out of his mouth and give it back to her – but he doesn't. Instead, he takes hold of the cigarette and Alyssa lets go and he looks up at her once before taking in a small, experimental pull. Instantly he coughs and pulls the cigarette out, holding his chest and bending over himself. Alyssa flips her hair back over her shoulder.

"First-timers always do that. When you get your breath back, try it again. But this time, just let the smoke sit in your mouth for a couple seconds, just to let it cool down, then you inhale it back."

"Kinda burns," he says hoarsely.

"Yeah, let it cool first," she smiles, looking down on him proudly as if he's just taken his first steps in learning how to walk or something.

"When do I blow out?"

"After you inhale. Kinda like breathing," she teases and he smiles a little, before trying again. She shifts up to her knees as she ties her hair back, glancing at me. "Want one?"

I gaze silently at Jamie. His eyes are red and watering and his brow is furrowed, his eyebrows mashed together as he concentrates on inhaling the smoke just right. He still coughs. I skim my teeth along my bottom lip. Alyssa rolls her eyes and pulls out the half-empty pack of cigarettes from her pocket.

"Whatever."

"Fine," I say, and hold my hand out. Alyssa hands me one, her face sealed off, and I get the feeling, suddenly, that she resents this, having to dole out the cigarettes on a freeloader like myself. Normally, I would care but right now? I kind of want to get back at her, though I don't know why or for what.

"Here," she flicks the lighter and holds it out. I lean forward, the cigarette dangling from my lips and let the tip be swathed in the small, orange flame. I take a small pull and sit back against the tree to watch Jamie. Alyssa sits back on her heels and cups her hands around her mouth as she lights up a cigarette for herself.