Save My Soul

Changing Tides [14]

"Lizzie... I have something to tell you," Lillian says to me one night. Her eyes are shining; a fluttery smile appears and then disappears on her face. I blink at her, surprised by her nervousness. It's not like her. We are sitting across from each other in the living room. Jamie is upstairs and the girls are playing in the den. Jim has just come back from the base and he's clattering around the kitchen, getting some things together for the barbecue. It's Friday night and I've been able to spend the evening with them since I don't have work.

Lillian wipes her hands on her pants and then reaches for one of mine.

I wait for her to speak.

"I have something exciting to tell you," she says again. She smiles tremulously. "I'm, I'm pregnant, Lizzie. I'm going to have a baby."

I'm so surprised that I don't speak.  

Her eyes are wide and vulnerable and there's a new softness in them. I have never known anyone pregnant, much less been told of it. I don't know how to feel. For a moment, jealousy flares in my chest, though it's twisted around the happier, softer part of me. And then it fades away and a quiet sadness takes its place. I don't let Lillian see it though.

"Are you alright?" Lillian asks, searching my eyes, and I force myself to nod and smile. "Well, say something!" she says and I search for the right words.

"I'm-I'm happy for you," I say. "Congratulations."

Her face softens and she reaches out to hug me.

"Oh, you don't know what to feel, do you?" she says, in that surprising way she has of reading me so well. "I don't blame you. You've never been around anyone pregnant before...or have you?" She pulls back, looking wary, as if she's stepped on my foot or something, and I shake my head. She is relieved. "Oh, well. That's what I thought. You've said the right things, so don't worry about that. But I want you to know, it's okay if you aren't truly happy about it or if it makes you upset. Or, or anything, really." It's not like her to be so flustered, to flounder about for words. It upsets me more than the announcement of her pregnancy. "Just be honest and truthful about your feelings, and I promise I'll answer any questions you have."

She waits expectantly and I try to straighten out my thoughts. So many different things are swirling about. I look at her face and I try to understand the expression in her eyes. It is as if she has a precious secret, a private something that takes her heart and mind away from the rest of us. The jealousy returns, stronger than before.

At the same time, a touch of curiosity colors the vague, distant picture of a tiny, unformed baby tucked away somewhere in Lillian's stomach. I grab hold of it, for it would be better to let her see the curiosity rather than the jealousy, and I find a question to ask her.

"Does... does it hurt?"

She laughs in relief. "Oh, no, there's no pain. A lot of nausea and sometimes I feel sick to my stomach, but it doesn't hurt." She smiles, staring at me, and I nod.

"How... when will it come?"

"I'm due in December, the week of Christmas. I'm about ten weeks along now."

I nod slowly. I have other questions – now that we're talking, they all form themselves like the cars in a train, one after another. But I'm don't know what would and wouldn't be right to ask her. Like how did she find out, and did she want it, and was it planned, and a whole lot more. Lillian reads the questions in my eyes but she must realize I'm too shy to ask. She pats the sofa next to her and I move from my seat to the one next to her. With her arm around me in that inviting, confidential way of hers, she tells me that she and Jim would welcome any baby that God sent into their laps, that this pregnancy wasn't planned but they were very happy when it happened. She tells me that she had several miscarriages in between Jamie and Katie and that's why he is so much older than she is. I understand now the faraway look she sometimes gets in her eyes when she looks at her children, every time they are quiet and playing nicely together, or curled up and asleep on their beds.