As Long As I Live

The Beginning of it All

I'm sorry! Technological sanctions are in full force! :(

Anyway, you guys enjoy this chapter!

Happy Reading!

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It had been a wet, open-mouthed and rough kiss. And right on her pulse point, her point of weakness of whose existence she had come to know when he decided to touch his lips to the skin there. Her neck. Had his hands not been holding her waist tightly, she would've fell as her knees buckled at the contact.

She had been doing this routine in her tiny attached washroom for a week now. And yet, the feelings felt as string as the time they had happened.

She pressed her fingers to the point and looked at her own reflection staring back at her. Scared. Confused. Clueless. She could understand how her relationship with Aamir had gone down the spiral, deteriorating from dislike to disgust to hatred and finally to the need of separation. That made sense. But the sudden show of affection and love? The display of concern and worry? And the splendid performance of the act of being a guardian angel?

What new plot had hatched in his mind?

It had taken her two years to accept the reality of her marriage and of her life. A useless burden. Even painful at times to others who were unfortunate enough to have her as family. She knew she was a liability, and in her want to ease the pain or at least to decrease it to whatever level she could, it was necessary to follow the rules. And she had done that splendidly. Not that it had ensured that Aamir wouldn't hate her as much if she did but she never failed. She had been perfect.

A perfect slave.

She splashed some water on her face. Clarity was what she needed. She knew that the rules of the game had changed and that she had been an unwilling player, but a player nonetheless. She had to learn the new rules, and quickly. She couldn't afford to lose.

Of course she could, laughed an insane part of her mind. What else did she have that was worth guarding anyways? She had lost everything already. She had given Aamir everything she had, her heart, her love, her life. He had rejected everything. She had nothing else to give. Nothing that Aamir wanted or needed from her. Nothing that she hadn't given anyone before. Nothing that she hadn't given any man before.

The horror of the sudden realization had her reeling, her hands grasped the sink tightly for support. Is that how the game had changed and she hadn't realized it? Was that what Aamir wanted from her and she would have to give it to him? This sudden, new physical aspect of their relationship, unchartered territory she had no wish to explore - is that hat he wanted? To consummate their marriage?

Why was he doing this to her? After two years of their marriage, he wanted to give meaning to it now? After all that they had gone through, after all that she had gone through. The beatings, the cursing, the humiliation, the pain, the suffering! The feeling of absolute worthlessness. A wasteful existence. And now he wanted her to give her body to him. He wanted to claim his manly rights over his wife? Didn't he know that she hated his touch? Didn't he know that every time he came near her, the only thing that crossed her mind was how to protect herself when he would hit her? Didn't he know that she spent each and every moment fearing that time when he would decide that the need for this facade was over, that the police wasn't going to come after him and he could resume torturing his wife? Didn't he know that she hated him for it?

Oh, but you loved that kiss, her conscience accused her.

Disgust with herself poured like hot acid in her veins. She had enjoyed it. How dare she! That man, that monster, had to press one kiss to her throat, and she would lose herself completely to him? What kind of shameless, wanton and arrant hussy did that make her? How could one kiss bring back all the love that she had felt for Aamir in the beginning of their marriage, all the feelings that she had locked away in her heart, secure, never to resurface after that dreadful night when he had lashed her with his belt.