Epsilon [Werewolf]

Chapter 33

T.W. Anxiety Attack

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Raina had assured me everything would get better but, if I'm honest, it only got worse.

I knew I had screwed up, just not quite to the degree I expected. I noticed the first change right as the next Feasting began. The hall fell silent as I entered, eyes regarding me with anything from fear to concern to outright hatred. It was like a kick to the skull, and with cold dread, I realized my reputation was back to square one.

I wasn't welcome at the Theta table, and not even the Omegas wanted me. The Omegas that had gained some degree of respect for me over the months had lost it all overnight. Now, they simply glared my way in warning, their distaste obvious.

I'd looked towards Zion and Azriel for guidance. Of course, Zion was simply scowling at me, and Azriel wouldn't even look my way. 

As though to add salt to the wound, Zion had stood up and reported that two of the territory's outposts had fallen to enemy wolves. Not only had they slaughtered our kin, but they were quite literally expanding into our territory. Nervous murmurs had risen from the crowd, but I simply flushed with rage. I knew that had been directed at me. The higher-ups never divulged reports, not in front of everyone. He'd done it so I could hear, so he could remind me of how little progress I'd made in the grand scheme of things. 

At this rate, I'll never save the court, I thought sadly. Or these people. 

I'd looked around me, noting the glares and dirty looks that were sent my way. Then again, do these people even deserve my saving? I'd thought bitterly. I'd quickly pushed the thought away. I couldn't allow these toxic attitudes to leak into my own mind -- I had to stay true to myself.

After his little speech, I'd returned to my room as quickly as I could, biting back my tears of frustration. Raina had come in a little later with food since I'd left without eating, and promised me that if I wanted to eat in my quarters from now on, she would deliver. After much coercion, I finally agreed.

But I couldn't hide forever. Next up came the group training. Zion was harder on me than usual, yelling in my ear with every opportunity he got. It was like when I'd first joined. This time, however, it wasn't birthed from good intent -- from his desire for me to succeed. No, he attacked me out of pure spite.

And yet I couldn't blame him. How could I after everything I'd done?

Everyone glared at me the whole time. Even when I couldn't see their eyes, I could feel their hostile intent beaming into me, weighing me down. Azure in particular. Hell, she glared at me as though willing lasers to shoot through her eyes. To my surprise, though, she said nothing -- not once. 

Zion had declined a private session, and though I was thankful, I couldn't help but feel deeply hurt. I got back to my room, flopped onto my bed, and cried well into the night.

The next day I didn't leave my room at all. Or the day after. Or the day after that. No one checked up on me -- aside from Raina, who would deliver me food and kind words. I humored her by trying to look somewhat present, but in reality, I was far from it. I was lost in my head -- so lost.

About a week had passed and still no appearance from the Beta or Alpha. I was starting to think they didn't care about me at all. That was until a loud knock sounded at the door one day, followed by a large crash as it was forced open.

There, panting at its frame, was Zion. His auburn hair was disheveled, green eyes caught with something between concern and anger. For many moments, we sat in silence, staring each other down. As always, he was the first to break that silence.

"I swear, Epsilon, if you sulk around in this room one day longer, I will have you thrown out the court!" he yelled. When I didn't respond, he continued. "You know, Epsilon, I didn't pin you as the type to wallow in their own self-pity. Even when you were at your lowest, you would keep fighting. But now..."

He made erratic hand motions, gesturing to my crumpled form on the bed. "Now you've just... given up!"

I didn't respond. This only seemed to anger him more. "Look around you!" he snapped, gesturing to the white walls and polished floors, the velvet furniture, and golden ornaments. "You're living like a fucking princess, and yet here you are feeling sorry for yourself over one mistake you made."

I kept my eyes firmly to my lap, my fists balling. Zion, of course, took it as a sign of defiance. "Well, do you think I'm wrong?" he asked, exasperated. "Tell me if I'm wrong! By all means, correct me!"

I gritted my teeth. My body began to tremble.

"Pathetic," he snarled. "Here you go again, taking everything for granted,"

"I'm sorry," I stammered, my whisper barely audible despite the silence of the room.

Zion stilled. "Pardon?" He said, deathly quiet.

"I'm sorry," I choked.

Zion fell silent. Through blurred vision I watched tears fall upon the clenched fists in my lap.

"I know," I continued, voice shaking. "I know that I'm hopeless. I know I'm a burden to this court; a screw-up..."

I bit my fist mouth as I sobbed. Deep, guttural sobs. I'd bottled up a week-worth's of anguish, and the dam was beginning to break. Zion simply stood there, watching my breakdown. I couldn't make out his expression through my blurred vision. He was probably angry at me for crying, for being so weak, but I couldn't help it.

"I'm sorry," I whispered. "For letting you down. You tried so hard to let- let me fit in. And yet I... I--"

I gasped, clutching my chest. It felt as though my heart had been stabbed, the dagger twisting with every painful word. I could feel myself pulling away from reality, losing myself to the turbulent vortex in my head; pulling me under, drowning me. I could hear their harsh words, feel their cold stares, and at that moment I felt like the loneliest person in the world. "I'm sorry!" I gasped through the tightness in my throat, hoping someone, anyone would hear me amidst this ocean of loneliness. "I'm sorry!"

I bit back my sobs. It was all too much. The judgmental stares, the losses of friendships, the decaying state of my mind as I'd rotted away in this room, the hatred that radiated from almost every being. Even now, I could feel Zion's distaste, his judgment.

I was just a fragile piece of glass, and I was cracking.

My hands shook violently. I swallowed as my skin iced over, my lungs tightening to the point of implosion. In that moment everything around me felt so dark and so... cold, as though I'd been dunked in icy waters. I wheezed as I struggled to draw in air, my heart thundering in my ears. It pounded painfully against my chest, and I groaned as I doubled over.

"Kyra!" Zion yelled, barrelling towards me. Through my doubled vision, I saw him kneel before me, green eyes laced with concern. "Breathe, Kyra!"

I continued to gasp, opening and closing my mouth in an attempt to draw in air, yet nothing passed through the tightness in my throat. Tears ran down my cheeks as my mind became further and further lost within its icy panic. I could feel that strange power rising in response, but the fear was simply too overwhelming; smothering the flame like a damp cloth.

My vision started to dwindle. Zion grasped my hands, eyes wide with desperation. "Breath, Kyra, breathe!"

I fell forward, shuddering uncontrollably as I hit his shoulder. My head lolled around uselessly as he scooped me up into his arms, my body quivering against his chest. I continued to wheeze, straining for air -- for oxygen.

I'm going to die, I thought as black dots flitted in my vision. I'm going to die and no one will remember me...

"Help!" I heard Zion yell, though his voice was distant. "Medical!"

Then, everything faded into darkness.