The Wyld Girls

Chapter 6 - Kylie

Wyld Times, Episode 24

"Good morning, Wyldings! If you've got little Wyldings with you today, you might wanna cover their ears." Bruce winks at the camera as he and Kylie push through dense bushland, skirting around giant ferns and weaving between massive gum tree trunks. "We're talking about a species that puts the 'bird' in 'birds and the bees.'" He elbows Kylie and says, "Come to think of it, little sister – you should probably cover your ears too."

Kylie is a bigger kid now than the early episodes, an almost ten-year-old. She might not be a teen – but somehow she looks far older than her years as she rolls her eyes and says, "Ugh, Bru! I know all about sex."

Bruce pretends to look horrified, then busts out laughing. "Well, sorry! I didn't know my baby sis was so mature!"

A noise cuts over the audio: a high, electronic wail.

Kylie frowns. "Is that a car alarm? But we're nowhere near any roads."

"Keep listening," says Bruce, grinning.

The car alarm bleeps once more, then changes to the distinctive sound of a chainsaw.

"What the?" Kylie picks her way forward, pushing aside a fern frond to reveal a bird about the size of a small chicken. It's brown with a long feathered tail that sweeps around the small mound of dirt it stands on. The chainsaw sound effect appears to be coming from the bird, who then changes its vocalisations and begins to cackle like a very different laughing bird.

"Wait! That's not a kookaburra!" says Kylie, confusion across her tanned face. "Why does he sound like a kookaburra?"

"That's a lyrebird," says Bruce. "During mating season, the males will sing for up to four hours a day to attract a mate – and as you can hear, they are the masters of mimicry! These little blokes have been known to sing like other species of birds, as well as mimic different animals such as koalas and possums. Now, as they lose habitat and humans start taking over, you'll sometimes hear them pretending to be traffic noises, dog barks and even mobile phone ring tones."

"They should call them 'liar birds,'" jokes Kylie. "Does this one have a girlfriend?"

"He has a bunch! Male lyrebirds defend a breeding territory with up to eight females."

"Eight girlfriends!" Kylie looks horrified and Bruce bellows in laughter.

"Hey, don't judge him! Some birds are too macho to be confined to a one-on-one situation, Kyls."

"I like penguins and swans better," says Kylie. "They basically fall in love and stay together forever."

"Yep, but that doesn't work for everyone." Bruce crouches down and studies the lyrebird, a half-smile on his face. "There's nothing shameful about sex – it's part of our animalistic drive. If we didn't have sex, our species would die out."

He stares directly at the camera, all male, practically exuding pheromones. He tilts his head, flirting with the million viewers on the other side of the lens and says, "You could say that sex is actually a pretty noble cause."

I wasn't nervous the first time I appeared on Wyld Times when I was only eight years old. I wasn't nervous the time I hosted SNL alongside Tom Holland or guest-starred in a cameo for Taika Waititi's new blockbuster or when I met the US president and introduced her to a badly behaved baby kangaroo – not even when it bit her on the finger and pooped in her lap and her security detail pulled a gun on the joey and me.