all the hurtful words || merlin

chapter one: forbidden feelings

" I appreciate that in your very confused way you're only trying to help but please, don't do it again"

The same scene every single night, only with a few exeptions. As Merlin was laying awake in his bed, eyes fixed on the ceiling Arthur's words were playing inside his head without any break. His hands were crossed, resing on his stomach and moved rhytmically up and down as the boy breathed.

Time to time the boy frowned at the memory. That gesture was the only thing that prevented his tears from breaking free to run down peacefully on his face.

It happened so long ago, and still it hurted like it was just moments- in the past. He knew that Arthur probably didn't meant it that way: his father just died, the burden of the whole kingdom just fell on his shoulders and it was almost too heavy for him. Merlin knew that Arthur was going through one of his most vulnerable phases in his life and he may not have been thinking before speaking. He knew that very well, he really did, but somehow these words of his best friend, the words of him not wanting his help was like salt in a still bleeding wound that would just not heal, no matter what kind of treatment it gets. Because this was not Arthurs first confront on Merlin and certanly not his last.

Somewhere here on the ocean of his endless thoughts the boy had fallen asleep. It was already almost dawn when he finally managed to do so, which meant this night was one of the worse ones: he usually didn't or just physically couldn't stay up this long.

As the first sunlight shone in his room directly on his face he growled and put his hands over his eyes. He didn't want to believe it was already the morning and he had to get out of bed. Maybe he could say he's not feeling well- it crossed his mind so he considered the choices: ten more minutes of sleep and a frantic Arthur who is late from his training, or the following of the perfectly timed schedule of the King of Camelot. His heart pushed him towards the first option but deep in his mind he knew that he needed to do the not so seductive second option, so along with a deep sigh he stood up.

After getting dressed he opened the door of his room, and after a quick meeting with Gaius - which was only enough for them to eat a not-so-proper breakfast - he made his way towards Arthurs chambers in order to wake him up.

"Rise and shine!" he shouted while pulling apart the curtain "The training won't be done by itself!"

Arthur annoyed as always in the morning just pulled up the blanket and with a growl expressed his displeasure. Eventually the King hopped out of the comfortable bed even more grumpy than he usually is in the morning.

"Ah great. I almost thought I would have to drag you out of there" Merlin said jokingly and placed Arthur's breakfast on the table. The boy after that wanted to go straight to polish his masters armour, but he didn't even reach the door knob when Arthurs deep morning voice called his name not exactly in the happiest moods.

"Merlin, wait. What's this?" he asked pointing at his plate as the mentioned turned around.

"Your breakfast, Sire" the boy answered confused.

Arthur really was in a bad mood that moring. He ran his fingers through his blonde hair"And where are the sausages? The cheese? How am I supposed to do well if I don't have any power, because my manservant can't even prepare a proper meal?"

This was unexpected, even from Arthur. Merlin could not even answer for a few seconds. He opened his mouth but the words came awfully late to his tongue "I'm sorry, Sire, I didn't have time this morning for the sausages, but tomorrow-" he started but the King held up his hand to show Merlin: he did not want to hear the rest.

"I don't care about tomorrow, I only care about today, this very moment. What if bandites decided to attack us, but we can't fight back because were weak from not eating enough? What is going on with you? I thought I can trust you at least with this.." Arthur shook his head, and after the monologue, he finally started to eat, clearly not enjoying it.

Merlin stood there, defeated. Arthur probably didn't mean that, and he just woke up on the wrong side of the bed, but it meant much more for Merlin. He wasn't good enough once more. He didn't feel like smiling or joking anymore. He could feel a ball in his throat, which he tried to swallow. He didn't want to cry. Not just because of Arthurs presence. He just didn't want to show weakness over such a tiny thing.

"Forgive me. Sire" he whispered alongside with a bow, and then quickly finished his earlier movement and went to polish Arthurs armor.

After not even twenty minutes Merlin was back in Arthurs room helping him dressing up for training. He didn't say anything during the process which Arthur noticed. An unconcerned but respectful look was resting on the servants face, to which the King decided to react.

"Don't look so sad Merlin, you're making me feel melanchonic"

Of course - Merlin thought - the great Arthur Pendragon would never apologise. Even if his life was at stake. "I'm sorry, Sire" he said and lifted the Kings sword from the table "Here" Arthur took the sword from Merlins hands, and nodded a little. "Thank you. Now come on, will you? We don't want to be late"

The King stepped out of the room and with definite steps he started walking towards the yard, where the Knights have already been waiting.

Merlin followed him, only because he thought he heard him wrong. "We?" he asked with a concerned and surprised look on his face.

"Yes Merlin we, because today -" meanwhile they got to the training spot, and the Knights now joined with Arthur were all looking at Merlin "- you're going to help us"

"Help? With what? I can not fight!" he said and shook his head in fear.

The servant boy didn't even finish the sentence when Arthur walked up to him and threw a shield at him. "You're not going to fight. We will: you're just going to defend yourself" this statement was received with a big round of applause and laughs among the Knights, and Arthur turned around to see each one of his soldiers.

"So..who will be the first?"

heyy:) so this is the first chapter of my Merlin fanfiction which I wanted to write since I watched the series, because - it might be stupid tho, this is just my opinion- the plot of the story I'm writing basically reflects how I felt about Merlin at some parts of the show. Anyways, I hope this was enjoyable:)) (should I apload this in hungarian as well?/töltsem fel magyarul is?)

lexa<33