In Denial | Completed

Her reason

Normally she would've never said yes, when he suggested they take a shortcut that was essentially a narrow dirt track instead of walking near a big road. They could barely walk next to each other without bumping shoulders.

But now she was warm, the air smelled of past rain and the clouds had gone to reveal a beautiful night sky. And if she was honest with herself, she wasn't ready for their night to end, yet.
So, when he asked if she was okay with taking the shortcut she had said yes.

It was sweet that he had asked, though. It made her feel like he actually cared about what she thought and made sure that she was comfortable.

Vanessa looked at him out of the corner of her eyes. He looked straight ahead and a small smile played on his lips. He seemed content with the situation and in no hurry, either.

Having registered that, Vanessa turned her head into the other direction. A vast tree-lined meadow was the only thing she could make out in the dark.

"Oh, look!" she pointed at the full moon she had only seen now that it wasn't covered by a nearby tree.

They stopped to look up in the sky. A comfortable silence stretched between the two yet again. It seemed so long ago that she had left the campus this evening, even though it couldn't have been more than three hours since then. The world just felt more peaceful right now.

"It's beautiful, isn't it?" she whispered and felt if she would speak any louder the precious moment would end. "Sometimes I forget how beautiful the world can be and then there are just moments like this, you know?"

She wasn't sure if he got what she meant and when he didn't answer she looked at him embarrassed to explain herself. Normally she wouldn't voice these thoughts out loud, but it had felt right in that moment.

But he already looked at her. He looked at her so openly, so softly, she didn't know how to handle it. He looked even more beautiful than the moon.

God, she didn't even recognize herself with how mushy she was.

With a steady voice and eyes locked on hers, he asked, "Can I ask you a question?"

She didn't break their eye contact, "Sure."

He blinked, swallowed and contemplated for a second. The longer he waited the more the confidence left him. He hadn't thought through what he wanted to say. Vanessa was curious why he suddenly was so nervous. 

And it seemed somehow different than all the other times tonight.

She wanted to urge him on but stopped herself.

"It," he cleared his throat, "it's whatever, just forget it."

"No, please go on, Vann," she felt like she would die if he wouldn't tell her now.

He breathed in. She didn't realize it then but it was actually the first time she had said his name to his face. It was what had made him go on.

When he started, she almost couldn't decipher his mumbling, "I just," he licked his lips, "I just want to know the truth, please," he looked at the ground, "why - why do you not want me?"

His voice broke at that last part and her heart with it.

Suddenly all her reasons seemed not enough in comparison to the need to make the boy in front of her happy, again.

Wide eyed she still looked at him.

"I guess I," she hated this. She hated this. She hated this.

She didn't know where to start. She wouldn't be able to form a single coherent sentence.