In six months, Gwen Johnston turns thirty, and when she does, she vows she'll have her life together. She'll no longer be jumping from one job to another, from one relationship to the next. A new, more mature, Gwen will have emerged. She's giving he...
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Soundtrack for this chapter: I miss you, I'm sorry by Gracie Abrams
The apartment I've been renting in Vancouver is tiny, smaller than many of the hotel rooms Gwen and I shared on our trip. I slip my coffee cup into the sink and stand at the kitchen counter, deep in thought.
Today was my last session with Hakeem, the therapist Doctors International put me in touch with when I returned and finally admitted to Jane that the help I'd gotten years ago hadn't done the job. The sessions I'd been forced to attend back then had focused on getting me back to work, at my insistence, but they hadn't prepared me to live my life. Not really.
At the time I wasn't worried about being a good partner to someone else, about what the future of my personal life might look like. As far as I was concerned, all of those roads ended with Diana.
Then Gwen showed up with dynamite and a bulldozer and made a path for us.
I'm not sure how badly I've fucked that up, but badly enough that she hasn't taken any of my calls in the last few weeks. At first I kept my distance because I wasn't sure what the outcome of my sessions would be. Could I get to the place I needed to be?
When Ang and I talked at her house before she left for her honeymoon, I realized that I needed to be confident I wouldn't hold Gwen back. That, if we found our way back to each other, my fears wouldn't stifle her life. Before I was in love with her, my cautiousness kept us safer—hitchhiking and grizzly bears—but once I realized I loved her, I would have happily sealed her in bubble wrap for life.
And Gwen was right to call me on my hypocrisy because I hadn't been willing to give her that same comfort. To be in love, you have to be fearless--not agonizing over heartbreak--and that's been a hard place for me to find again.
This afternoon I'm supposed to meet with Jane, and I'd hoped to speak to Gwen before I heard my options to stay with Doctors International. Sam and Ang want me to spend more time in Newfoundland, maybe work in the ER in Corner Brook or set up my own family practice. Something stable and safe.
My heart doesn't lie there, though. Despite what happened to Diana, I still want to be boots on the ground somewhere, maybe several somewheres. Now I have some strategies to manage my fear when it feels unmanageable.
But I don't want to go anywhere without Gwen, and I have no idea whether she still feels the same or she's moved on. I don't even know where she is. Doctors International wouldn't confirm whether they hired her. I even called the college she'd been accepted to, but they don't give out student enrollment information.
I check the clock and realize I need to get going or I'll be late for my meeting. After I hear the options, I'll have to ask for a few days while I try to contact Paige to see if she can put me in touch with Gwen. Then I'll just have to pray Gwen can forgive me for not being ready to be the man she needed.
