The Last Handful of Clover - Book 3: The Stone in the Stream

3.25 Nothing at All

June 16, 12:55 pm

Richard tried not to listen to the low murmur of Keith and Pil's voices in the living room. Instead, he was pacing nervously back and forth, from the kitchen to the dining room table, as Billy and Howard sat silently and watched. His nerves were almost shot, and he was so anxious that he thought he might scream if Pil didn't bring Keith in to see him soon.

Although he'd wanted nothing more than to be there when Pil talked to Keith, Billy had convinced him it would be best if Pil did it on his own. And his argument had made sense. If Keith could sense that Richard was there, watching him, that important conversation would quickly be derailed. And the real goal was for Pil to convince Keith they had to leave, and they had to leave soon. Richard worried that if Pil didn't handle him carefully, he'd simply flat out refuse.

Keith can be so damn stubborn, Richard thought.

But it was only twenty minutes after Pil left the dining room, that he finally reappeared in the door, supporting Keith, whose eyes were darting around the room as if he thought somehow he would now magically be able to see his dead husband.

Richard looked at his lover's drawn face. Pain had painted dark circles under his eyes, and left him unsteady on his feet. Richard wanted to rush to him, to help Pil bring him into the room and sit him in one of the dining room chairs. But of course, he knew he could do absolutely nothing to help, and the frustration of that left him shaking.

Keith's eyes finally settled on Howard, the only person in the room that he could actually see, and then back on Pil. When he was settled into a chair, he looked back and forth between the two men.

"Where is he?" Keith asked.

Richard realized Keith was in the very same chair where Pil had sat earlier, when he had submitted himself to Richard's repeated possessions. Quickly, he crossed the floor, and sank down into the opposite chair, directly in front of him. He sat looking at Keith, but his husband's eyes were unfocused.

"He's here, K," Pil said, indicating the other chair.

Tentatively, Keith raised a shaking hand, as if he wanted to reach out and touch Richard's face. And the longing in his eyes was so intense that Richard could barely contain his grief.

Pil took Keith's wrist. Slowly, he guided Keith's hand forward until it was in gentle contact with Richard's cheek. Keith's eyes followed his hand, until finally, Pil released it. His shaking palm stayed in the air, hovering there for a moment, and a look of anguish crossed his face as he stared into the empty space where Richard's face should be. Keith looked as if he had convinced himself that if he only knew where Richard was, he would be able to sense him there, or perhaps be able to feel his face. But it was clear that Keith felt nothing, and that it was tearing him apart.

To Richard, Keith's hand felt firm, despite the trembling, and he covered it with his own, holding it against his cheek. But as always, it was cold as stone, and it made him long for the warmth and softness he remembered in his lover's touch.

So, we're here with each other, and we're both in far more pain than we would be if I'd just walked away, Richard thought, miserably.

"Can you tell him something?" Keith asked Pil.

"Tell him yourself. He's right there. He's taken your hand."

Richard watched Keith as he tried to find his words. Finally, he said, "Ricard, I... I wish you hadn't gone. It's been..." the words hitched in his throat. "It's been harder than I thought it would be. Harder than we talked about..." He took a deep breath. "I know you always said it was likely you'd die before me, and I know I told you that I'd accepted that. But I never really did. Or maybe that's not right. It wasn't that I didn't accept it. But I just never believed it. To me, you were always just... a force of nature. It was impossible for me to imagine you gone. And then one day, when I least expected it, you just weren't there anymore. And it felt... wrong. Impossible."