The Last Handful of Clover - Book 3: The Stone in the Stream

3.62 The Last

June 24, 7:16 pm

Richard stood in the living room with his back to the shimmering passageway. He was looking out the small side window, watching Pil and Carla, as they made their way back to the squad car. A brilliant blue swatch of sky was visible above the house across the street, and small splashes of clouds that looked like scattered doves were drifting slowly through the frame created by the window.

He heard the young man close the door, and he heard him walk back into the living room. And although he did not turn around, Richard knew he was standing right in front of the portal. He was standing on the very spot where Richard had died, just three weeks ago.

"Do they know you're not Howard Gunderson?" Richard asked.

He didn't turn to see Justin's reaction. He had known this was not Howard Gunderson since the trio had arrived at his home.

"No. They don't know. How long have you known?"

"Since you walked in."

"Why didn't you tell them?" Justin asked. "You could have."

Richard sighed and finally turned to look at the boy. "What would have been the point?"

For all appearances, Howard Gunderson's face looked every bit like the boy he had first met in the cell. But when he looked deeper into the young man's eyes, he knew it was Justin Kimball looking back. It was the boy he had betrayed, and the boy who had hated him enough to fire a gun into his head.

Oh, God, that was less than a month ago, Richard realized

"Do you hate me?" Justin asked. It was not the question that Richard had expected.

"No, Justin. I don't hate you. I never hated you. I've spent eighteen years regretting the things I said the day you died. But you need to know I never meant them. I was weak, and I was scared, and I lashed out." He paused, waiting for the boy to say something. Anything. When he didn't, Richard finally found the courage to tell the boy what he had wanted to tell him for so long. "Justin, I've really only been in love twice in my life, and you were my first. I just didn't know what to do when you said you were leaving. And I'm sorry for that. So very, very sorry..."

Justin walked slowly into the room, but rather than crossing to Richard, he sank down in the big chair and stared at him, as if he was trying to decide what to say next.

"What happened to Howard?" Richard finally asked. "Do you know?"

"I wish I did," Justin said, his voice suddenly choked with emotion. "I just know he's gone. I think he knew when he agreed to let me stay what would happen. But he did it anyway. And... somehow, he changed me..."

"I know," Richard said. "I felt it too. There was something holy about Howard. When we were in his mind, it felt like he purified us both. It was like he was a lightning rod for everything that I hated about myself. Everything I was ashamed of. He somehow absorbed it all, and dispelled it."

"Maybe," Justin said, with tears now on his cheeks. "But if he was a lightning rod, I think the darkness in my soul was too much for even him to ground. It was like he had to embrace it all, take it all from me, and then carry it himself to the other side. When he was gone, I felt so... peaceful. And yet, also lonely. I've never felt lonely before. Not like that. I loved Howard, and he was gone. But he took the darkness in my soul with him when he went."

Richard looked at Justin for a long time. It was almost as if he had suddenly reverted to the innocent, sweet boy he had known when they first met. He had once again become the kid who was so hungry for love and approval. Justin had become as trusting and vulnerable as Richard remembered from that amazing summer they had spent together.