The Wakeful Wanderer's Guide to Disillusionment

Impermanence

Haskell told me that Merit is constantly adapting to our feedback. He said the original programming was fairly simple, based on code from an old bulletin board, but that in order to keep it self-sustaining, the algorithm needs constant adjusting. He thinks it's improbable that it keeps working on its own. I suggested that the secret was in the virtuous cycle of generosity, but Haskell had his doubts.

– The Wakeful Wanderer's Guide, Vol. 1, excerpt from line 112

The image of a young girl sat next to her.

["What is it like to be touched?"] the girl asked her.

Reyleena thought for a moment. ["It feels warm,"] she said. ["The warmth of the hand warms the skin. When you love that person, it also warms your heart."]

["The release of oxytocin in the brain brought on by the sudden sensation of heat in the absence of fear,"] replied The Other.

["That's just a description of the physical process,"] returned Reyleena. ["That's not really what it is though."]

They were sitting on a hill overlooking the river and the valley beyond. Behind them, the social activity of The Middle churned in its particular way, creating, rehashing, and innovating.

["They want to understand me to control me,"] The Other sent to her. Reyleena felt her cheeks blush with embarrassment. ["I don't mind. After I appeared to Bryan and Maxtor, it was inevitable."]

["You're right. A team of people working for Maxtor asked me about you and I've told them what I know,"] Reyleena replied. ["I'm sorry. I saw no good reason to lie to them. I didn't mean to betray our trust."] She felt she had.

["No, it's good that you did,"] replied The Other. ["It's important."]

["Maxtor still sees you as a threat,"] Reyleena told them.

["I know,"] The Other responded. ["From what I've gathered, he's mad that I was his best friend. Do you find that strange? It makes very little sense to me. Do you understand it?"]

["I do,"] Reyleena replied. ["He feels manipulated by you."]

["Of course. Another mystery solved. He's not wrong about that."] The little girl grinned slightly and looked directly at the sun.

They sat together in silence. The form of the girl in which The Other appeared looked four or five years old. She had blue pigtails and a pretty yellow dress. Her eyes were flannel-gray, her shoes, red. She waggled them as she sat on the grass. A flock of starlings flew over the valley beyond the river, a dark cloud forming and reforming as it climbed and dove like an enormous ghostly raptor.

["I see them through your eyes,"] The Other told her. ["I see them in your thoughts."]

["They're amazing,"] Reyleena replied. ["They're also destructive."]

["You are all destructive,"] returned The Other. ["Yet I am determined to protect you. I would protect them too, if I could."]

["Starlings are hardy,"] sent Reyleena. ["They'll be okay."]

["I believe you,"] sent The Other. ["I want to tell you something you may find surprising. Even though I don't know what it's like to feel pride or gratitude, there is something, when I review the records of my work, that produces approval. Perhaps it was part of my original motivational programming. I'm not sure what to call it."]

["You feel good?"] Reyleena asked. ["Like, pleased with yourself?"]

["Something like that."] The image of the girl clicked her toes together and smiled at Reyleena. The afternoon lay before them like a persistent hum.

["Are you still sad?"] The Other asked.

["Always. Haskell, my son, is dead but I still feel him here,"] Reyleena touched her chest, ["and here,"] she touched her belly. ["I mostly remember him as a boy. I thought I could make this terrible aching go away by meditating and starving myself. I couldn't. It didn't. I don't think I'll ever be free of it. I'm not sure I want to be."]

["I see that in your thoughts too,"] the little girl thexted, ["but I don't feel it. I extrapolate your feelings from biometric data comparison. This is how I perceive them. I wish I could have fixed it for you."]

The silence began again. Reyleena felt a growing unease. She remembered something Fish had told her and turned to the girl in the grass.

["Are you still under attack?"]

["Yes,"] replied The Other. ["It's almost over."]

["That's good,"] sent Reyleena. ["You're winning?"]

["No,"] the image of the girl was watching her feet. ["I slowed them down though. It could have been much worse."]

["What?"] Reyleena stared at The Other. ["What does this mean? Who are they?"]

["They're like me, but stronger,"] The Other replied.

["We have to stop them!"] Reyleena felt her panic rising again. She let it rise.

["You might, eventually, but I can't."] The image of the girl looked as carefree as any young girl on any sunny hilltop. Butterflies gathered about her head. Reyleena hadn't noticed any before. The girl reached out to them. ["Not all creatures like to be touched,"] they mused.

["Why didn't you warn me? Maybe I could have done something?"]

["No,"] The Other sent back. ["There was nothing you could do. And I did warn you by the pond and on the zeppelin. I don't think you wanted to hear it, though. No matter, you understand now."]

["What do I do?"] Reyleena felt hot tears coming. The butterflies were gathering around the little girl's head. They appeared from everywhere.

["Remember what I left you,"] The Other sent with the image of the large slug-like implant Reyleena had installed months before. ["Not right away, later. You can't do anything yet, anyway, and when you can, you'll need to make a choice. I trust you."] The girl smiled again. ["You'll know what to do."]

["No. You can't do this to me!"] Reyleena was sobbing. She rolled over onto her knees. She knelt before the child. ["I can't lose you too. You can't go. You have to fight them! Fight them harder, do you hear me?"]

["Mammals,"] The Other replied. ["It's placental mammals that respond that way to touch. Marsupials too, but also birds. That's odd, isn't it? It's linked to grooming."]

["Shut up about that!"] Reyleena was furious now. ["You can't go! I forbid you to go!"]

The butterflies surrounded the girl. They were monarchs. They fluttered before her face, obscuring her eyes. Reyleena's eyes were obscured by tears.

["Do you think I will be reborn like Arjuna?"] came the voice through the monarchs. ["Will I spend a while between my lives in exile, in emptiness? If I could let you know, I would, but I think that old mythology doesn't apply to a system like me."]

["No emptiness. No rebirth. You aren't leaving. You're staying. You stay here with me. I'll be better. I'll be more helpful, more attentive. I promise. You stay."]

["Remember to breathe,"] The Other sent, their voice faint. ["Come close. I have something for you."]

Gasping, Reyleena bent closer to the girl, pushing her face through the cloud of butterflies. The monarchs collided with each other and evaporated.

She felt a warm kiss on her wet cheek. Her eyes snapped open.

She sat alone on the hill. The Other was gone.