The Wakeful Wanderer's Guide to Disillusionment

Apparition

Our history is, in part, an excavation of unintended consequences.

– The Wakeful Wanderer's Guide, Vol. 5, line 648

The man in her head wasn't David. The David that came to her in her dreams as a voice or a smell or a sensation was too perfect, too beautiful, too much what she wanted. It was Bethany's first day back at the nursery. It was exactly what she needed, and it was utterly impossible. How could the people of Reverside trust her with their children again after what she and her brothers had done? David told her this would happen with intense confidence. She had laughed bitterly, saying she didn't want to take care of some psycho xombie kids. David said it would be good for her. His surety was uncharacteristic of the real David. It filled Bethany with a profound unease.

David suggested she make certain small gestures of kindness to specific members of the tribe. These were trivial things, but they were met with a surprising amount of gratitude. David suggested other offerings; nothing overt, just the occasional pleasantry here and there, an offer to help, an apology, a kind word. Before long, her Merit began to rise. Bethany didn't think she still had Merit, but apparently it wasn't the kind of thing that could be lost.

When David suggested she offer to help Piter with the children, just lending him support, not actually working in the nursery and Piter sent ["yes,"] that was when she knew that David wasn't really David. That was when she glimpsed the intricate path that led from her confinement in her cabin, wailing and throwing objects in dismay, to her reinstatement to her work at the nursery. It was an inconceivably perfect recipe for raising her status in the community. By all logic, it shouldn't have worked, yet here she was. Regardless of her past actions and affiliations, her Merit was real, and it was climbing. The xombies trusted it more than they trusted their own memories.

Originally, Bethany hated all of them for what they did to Daschel. Lately, however, she found herself mostly hating Reyleena, their absentee security chief. Reyleena and her schemes were responsible. Daschel was the sweet one. He never started trouble, he only helped his ambitious older brother carry it out. Daschel was guileless. He loved the outdoors, his family, and a little peace and quiet when Barney wasn't hounding him. Of all the members of her family to fall in response to their raid on this place, Daschel was the worst choice. He could have found a peaceful transition to a coexistence with the xombies. His death and her survival was intolerable.

Reyleena's bloodlust wasn't limited to just Daschel. The entirety of Leonard Moody's Scranton Raiders, the Righteous Furies, had been eaten alive, as well, not a single member of that band of brothers spared. The pack was from the same clubhouse as the one David had belonged to. David had been talking to her about it only last week.

It wasn't David. She was talking to a fantasy or a wish or something awful inserted into her restraining implant. It was also possible that she had gone very much insane. She noticed the signs. She would often refer to herself as Nora, even in her own thoughts or in her conversations with David. She knew, of course, that she was Bethany, not Nora. Nora was just a name invented by Barnabas so she could arrive here under cover. Maybe this was a symptom of disassociation. Perhaps she was experiencing a latent schizophrenia emerging from the trauma of Daschel's death. She searched her memory, trying to find evidence of that sort of mental illness in her family history. Long branches of their family tree were estranged. No one jumped out at her. Perhaps David was calling her Nora in her sleep. Maybe, maybe, maybe. She had no way of knowing.

Did it really matter? Daschel was dead, Barney was who knows where, probably dead. For a little longer she could be Nora. Nora was alone. Nora was a survivor. Nora had a purpose. As far as she now knew, Bethany was no one with nothing. Nora had time to plan her revenge.