When the Heartbeat Stops

Again?

I got up from bed to find my foster parents with a cake and balloons waiting for me in the kitchen. I smiled, gave them both hugs, and went back to my room to call my grandma. My grandma is all I have left of my parents and I don't want to lose her. I called her and we talked for about an hour or so, then we both decided that I was going to go over. I let my foster parents know but they didn't want to let me. I had a feeling that they were jealous of our relationship, but I miss my parents, and they will never be able to give me the same feeling of parenthood then my actual mom and dad.

Ever since the day of my parents death, I have felt that it was my fault, if only I could have shown more emotion at my party then they wouldn't have thought I needed more; I'm so selfish, I can't believe that I lost them, it's all my fault! I can't believe there gone.

I left the kitchen so angry that tears were forming and I slammed the door behind me so hard that the door got stuck shut. I was so mad that I just couldn't hold back anymore.

"Why! Why God! Why did you take them from me! What did I ever do to you?! What did I do to make you punish me?!!" I fell to the floor and felt as my eyes weighed a ton.

I don't know why I'm still here. I do know why I am still breathing. I just don't know why.

I ended up taking  a three hour nap then sneaked out of my room to go to my grandmas. I was walking for ten minutes and took two buses, then walked about two blocks to get to her house. I knocked on her door, and once she opened it I jumped into her arms instantly crying. Along with me, she as well started crying, it was almost as if she knew what I was thinking; which she did.

"Crystal, please stop thinking that your parents death was your fault, it was not intended for them to be in that accident. Please stop, they wouldn't want you to take on this burden."

"Grandma, but if I was just able to show more enthusiasm then I think they wouldn't have wanted to get me more stuff; it is my fault."

She hugged me so tight that I stopped breathing for a while, then I tapped her shoulder and she let go. After I regained my breath we both giggled, and she asked me how I got to her house. I told her that I walked and that I sneaked out. She said I needed to get home, so we both got into her car and headed home.

Once inside it started raining, actually pouring, and I was getting flash backs of what I heard on the phone with my mom. I told my grandma that we shouldn't drive; one because its raining, two because it's Friday night, and three because both those reasons make the roads super dangerous.

She said it was time for me to go, so on the road we went. I asked my grandma if she remembered anything about my mom or dad and she was telling me the most fascinating stuff that I didn't know. My dad was on a cheer team, my mom was in a wrestling and softball team, and they met on a retreat.

She was right in the middle of telling me about my mom, when my favorite song came on; 'No I won't be afraid, no I won't be afraid, just as long as you stand, stand by me, so darlin, darlin stand by me, ohh stand by me'..., this was my mom and I's song, we would both sing in perfect harmony.

My grandma and I started singing then right in the middle of the song......