Untimely Frost ~ WattPride 2023 ~

{6}

I could not remember how to breathe. I'd lost all regular bodily functions in the private swim Nikola and I had shared. Ok, not all. Not the important ones. And I came to understand breathing was not as vital as being with him.

Sneaking in through the living room, I hoped to slip into my room unannounced and I hoped the house would be empty when I returned, but it wasn't.

My father was sitting on the armchair reading a newspaper. The afternoon rays of light cast down on his paper. It was his favourite spot after midday.

"Son?"

When he called me, I burned. I'm sure my face was red. I wanted to melt into a puddle and be nothing but goo. Nikola's fingerprints were all over my body. His scent lingered on my skin. Would my father know I'd sinned twice since dawn?

"Gianni." He rose and set his paper down. Always pure elegance, my father wore his tie – the summer's heat had got to him and he had loosened it and had undone the top two buttons of his shirt. "Your mother has been looking for you all day."

"I went swimming." Without thinking, I clasped my hands over my cheeks.

My father gestured to my lack of beach gear, "No towel?" When he looked up at me, his brows jumped and he paused a moment to collect his thoughts. "I'd ask if you swam in your shorts but they are bone dry. Were you alone?"

Houses need maws to open up and swallow you when your father begins to ask too many questions.

He walked to me.

I lowered my hands. I tried to speak but all I did was shrug and make some sort of kitten-like sound.

He brushed my hair back and looked at my neck and the small pink mark Nikola had left behind.

I held my breath. House. Maw. Now.

"You were with...company?"

I nodded. Head down. Shit. I could not look him in the eye. It wasn't that he thought I wasn't sexually active. He knew of my old girlfriends.

"Was it a lady friend I had met before? Aurora? Sabine?"

I shook my head as he listed off the two friends I'd dated in the past. "No. Neither of them. Aurora moved to Crete. Sabine got married last month. Remember? I went to her wedding." Shut up, Gianni...

"Someone new?"

I caught my lip between my teeth and gave a tiny nod.

"Someone you met at a bar?"

I shook my head.

"An old schoolmate?"

I shrugged.

"Someone from the party last night?"

I scrunched my eyes shut and wished I knew how to make myself disappear. There was a moment of silence. Then I looked up and squeaked, "You can say that."

My father's eyes widened behind his glasses. He understood. He always did. "Ahh, I see."

I looked down. I wasn't sure what to do. I knew my father did not care who I loved but admitting I had been with Nikola – his old buddy's son – made me shy.

"I've always liked Nikola." My father led me to the settee and we sat down. "He is a talented, honest man. But Gianni..." he took my hand and squeezed it between his like he did when I was a child and I was nervous about getting a vaccine. "Do you know everything you should know about him?"

I wanted to fall into my father's arms and cry all those tears I did not cry at the pond. My eyes stung. There was a catch on my throat. "Everything I should know. He made his situation clear."

From the spot at his armchair, the sun's rays were slowly slipping away.

"And yet you decided to give him your heart."

My words were someone else's. "And yet I did."

My father was never much of a hugger, not after I turned ten. But he embraced me and held me as he did so very long ago. "Regret things you want to do and are scared to. Never regret love."

I let him hold me as my mind and heart swam happily with his approval.

"Shall we invite him to dinner? Your mother is cooking your favourites. She's already got arancini and a tiramisu made and her lasagna is in the oven."

I breathed in and breathed life back into me. Lingering in my father's arms a moment longer, I nestled among the warm scent of his cologne before pulling back to reply, "That would be perfect."