Untimely Frost ~ WattPride 2023 ~

{8}

There was a garden where I used to take my Walkman and daydream of the person I'd fall in love with. What would they be like? Would they be musical like me? Tall, slender, ambitious, or brave? Would I fall so hard it would gloriously ache? Never once did I think they would be terminally ill.

Nikola ticked all those boxes.

Taking his hand, I led him through a cluster of roses into a patch where I used to spend hours daydreaming.

"This is where I spent most of my childhood," I began, "I must have listened to a million songs here...written a hundred compositions..." my vice trailed off, "dreamed...oh, so many dreams."

Nikola pulled me into his arms. "Then this is a sacred place."

"It's a sanctuary of sorts."

Touching his lips to my forehead, Nikola uttered, "Among these flowers, I feel safe. Like the real world does not exist."

I wriggled my nose into the crook of his neck and breathed him in. "If only it didn't."

"If it didn't, we never would have met. There's something good coming out of this bad."

I looked at him. His eyes were twilight – a trillion stars resting between day and night.

"I'm leaving tomorrow." Nikola's words pierced the roses.

My soul ached to its core. I wanted to scream, No! Don't go! Don't ever, ever leave me! But I smiled and simply said, "Then tonight we do not sleep."

He nodded in agreement and tilted my chin up for a kiss. "Then tonight we do not sleep."

The roses were witness to our love but flowers never tell. Below us, the green grass was soft, and above was a leafy canopy. There was no one for miles, decades, aeons. No one but him, I, and God.

His touch was electric. His fingers trailed a map across my body – a maze to where lost souls go.

The flowers bowed their heads and closed their eyes when we tossed our clothes among them.

And then...then, everything was magical again.

Dressing, I handed him his trousers and he gestured to my neck. "I cannot stop marking you, can I?" He touched a fresh hickey and apologized.

I wanted to tell him not to worry, that any reminder of him was welcome. I sadly wondered if the mark would still be there when he was gone.

When I asked him to walk me back home, he agreed.

"Will anyone be awake?" he whispered as I opened the front door.

"Doubtful." The house was silent. A faint breeze twirled around the curtains from an open window.

"Can I come upstairs?" Nikola pulled me close. His fingers slid under the hem of my shirt.

I shivered. "You can do anything you want."

He turned me to face him and looked at me with hooded eyes. "I want to fall asleep in your arms not alone in a hotel room."

I reached for his waist attempting to mesh him into me. "If you are in my bed, don't expect to sleep much."

A chuckle broke the silence. The sound was golden. I could not help but chuckle back but it was so loud he clasped his hand over my mouth. "You can never make quiet sounds, can you?" he teased.

Teasing back, I chirped, "Yes, I can." But I was shaking my head no.

"It's alright," he kissed the tip of my nose. "I like the sounds you make especially when you are about to –"

With a tiny yelp, I cupped my own hand around his mouth. "You're embarrassing me."

I felt his laughter in my palm.

Taking hold of my wrists, he pulled my hands gently away. "Shall I try to get you to make those sounds again?"

I cast a glance to the stairs – to where my bedroom lay. I turned to him and nodded. Taking his hand, I led him to my bedroom. Twice in one night with him? I wasn't about to say no.

I do not know what time it was when I woke up the next morning, but the sun was already in the sky and I could hear the maids scurrying from the yard to the kitchen then back again.

I reached for Nikola but felt nothing except for an empty space next to me. I bolted out of bed and ran to my private bathroom. I touched my ear to the door, heard nothing, then knocked. There was no reply so I opened the door and looked frantically around. Nikola was nowhere.

Dashing back to my room, I saw his clothes were gone.

My heart, my damn heart hurt. I crumpled to the ground. My breath had left my body. My soul was dangling from a noose. I wanted to cry but the sensation to vomit was worse. Touching my head to the floor I groaned but the sound was not my voice, it was that of a dying creature. The pain, the damn pain. The ache traveled everywhere; my skin, my bones, the blood inside me. I arched up and swallowed air but it had no place to go. This love, this damn love was too much.

I crawled to his side of the bed and fell face down on the sheets. His cologne lingered. The sweet scent of his skin was there. He. Was. Not.

Amidst my pain, my mother knocked. "Gianni? Darling? It's nearly two. Would you like me to bring you something to eat?"

I replied with a voice that was not my own. I told her I was not hungry and she answered she understood. Before she left, she told me she loved me. I nodded in the direction of the door and whispered, "Thank you, mama. I love you too."

My room was blurry. I wiped the tears and reached to the bedside table for a tissue. But there was something more there. I grabbed the folded note and opened it. There were actually two pages. Page one was the start of a composition, something solely for piano. As I read the notes, my heart somersaulted in my chest. What I was reading was magnificent yet it was unfinished. There was only the one page and the song cut off abruptly.

"Where's the rest?"

I turned the page, and the reply was there in black ink.

"Dearest, Gianni.

Where do I begin when I want to speak volumes about you? Your warmth and the beauty of your soul captivated me from the start. My life would have never been so perfect had I not met you. You changed everything I have ever loved because you are ivory and gold. Remember our time together as a happy occasion because that is how I will remember it.

If I am lucky, I will return to Italy to find you once again. If fate has other plans, I will go contently, knowing I was loved like only you could love me. For this love, I am eternally grateful.

I am giving you my last composition. I intended to complete it while in Italy, but I found something even more fulfilling than music. You took my breath away. Finish this piece of work, sign your name on it and make it yours. It will be our secret and I want it that way. Every time you play this piece, remember me. It is another little gift for you.

Forever yours,

Nikola.

P.S. Those little sounds...I will be thinking of them all the time. It's ok to laugh, Gianni. It's ok. I promise you everything will be ok."

I brought the paper to my face. I laughed through the tears. He had come for a reason, to bless me with memories and a love that would keep me full forever.

"It's ok, Nikola," I whispered. Beyond my door, life went on. One day, I would rejoin. "I promise you, one day, I will be ok."