Attached By String

07. Fear

| Elsie Taylor |

Clutching onto fistfuls of Ollie's shirt, I buried my head into the crook of his neck, hiding away from the people that I knew would be looking at me and the boys. I don't know why they couldn't just leave us alone and keep doing what they had to do like we were just here to do what we had to do and only that. 

"Hey Elsie, where do you want to go?" I didn't know how this man knew my name, but Ollie probably told them my name so that they knew who I was. I didn't mind at all. It made it easier on me for once. I didn't dare look up though, when I was asked to look at where I wanted to go. I knew that I wouldn't know where to go, and I was too scared. 

I was too scared that I was going to be found by one of my Dad's friends, the ones that I didn't like, especially John. I was sure that wherever we went, he was going to be there, waiting for me, like he had been those few times that I had arrived back from school and Dad wasn't there. He always waited for me like I was the most important thing that he had to do for that day. 

It was almost like it was important and a routine to him that he had to hurt me and make sure that I paid the price for something that I didn't know I had done to him. It was like I had ruined his life somehow, without even knowing it. "Elsie" the person questioned again, and I didn't dare move. Maybe I could pretend that I was asleep or something. 

Whenever I wanted to get out of something, I always pretended that I was asleep. It usually worked, especially with my Dad. He was the best Dad anyone could ever have wished for. "El" someone said, and I immediately knew that it was Ollie. He was closer to my ear then the rest of them, and he spoke in a quiet tone, so only I could hear what he was saying. 

"Mm" I hummed, not knowing what else to say. It was always easy to speak with Ollie, more so than the other boys, but I didn't really know them that well. It felt like I knew Ollie more than the rest of them, but I had only known him for a short time. I was sure that the feeling in my stomach around Ollie and Jack, was that I had seen them before, somewhere. I probably had, with the amount of travelling that we had always done. 

"Where do you want to go? You'll have to look up to know where you want to go" at the thought of looking up, I immediately shivered. The feeling in my stomach increased, and I knew it wasn't because I was with Ollie and Jack. That was the feeling of ease. This feeling made me want to be sick and that my stomach wouldn't stop moving, about to spill everything out of my stomach when I knew it shouldn't have to be like this. 

"I can't" I muttered, and I felt stupid. I felt small. Saying that I couldn't look up at a place that I wanted to go because I feared that someone I knew was here to hurt me and take me away from this, felt stupid and small. I shouldn't have to be like this. I must be so annoying to these boys, making every situation harder for them to understand what is going on and what to do with me. 

I don't deserve them if this is how I act when I go to a mall. They should have a better person to be here with. As much as it would hurt me that I didn't get to go with them, they should still have the opportunity to be with someone better than me, that doesn't have a fear of walking into a mall, and being hurt by the same people that have hurt her. 

The scars and bruises were still there to prove it, even if they couldn't see it. I could feel them, and I knew that one of them was being pressed into every time that they held me like this. My father's friends were clever, in making sure that no one saw them doing what they were doing to me, especially that my dad didn't see it, and so that no one walking by me would be able to see how much of a wreck of a child they had made me be. 

"Why not?" Jack asked, and I hadn't noticed that he was much closer than he used to be. He was at Ollie's shoulder, right where my head was resting, as I tried to push it further into the crook of his neck. I did not like one bit how close he was. "Jack, back down" Ollie spoke up, and I immediately felt bad. 

I felt awful. Jack had no idea how much he was hurting me, and that hurt me even more. It shouldn't have to be like this with people that were practically strangers to me. These people were helping me, but it felt like I was going back at least three steps with every step forward that they tried to take with me, but I held them back. 

I felt like I was pinning them down; forcing them to help me. They didn't know, they were just asking questions out of curiosity, to try and help me come out of the shell that I had pushed myself into. "Elsie, stop shaking. Your ok" a hand rubbed up and down, gently over my back. I reached my hand around, grabbing onto the chain that I knew Ollie had around his neck, threading it through my fingers. 

Desperately, I tried to take deeper, slower breaths as I had taught myself that whenever someone had pointed out that I was shaking. I was shaking because I was scared, and that could lead to a panic attack, and that would not be good. Not good for anyone, especially these people, as they did not need to know just how bad of a person that I was, with everything that I had carried with me. 

Them not knowing what was wrong with me, was the best for all of us. It would break them, as I knew that they saw me as a small child. I wasn't a small child, I was 8, or so I had been told by my dad, and that I was beyond on New Years Eve. I would be turning 9, come the new year. So, as far as I knew, I wasn't small. I didn't need them to baby me. The only thing that I was liking about them babying me was that they were carrying and cradling me like a small child. 

The same child that was always forced to walk on her own and never cuddled or hugged. 

"There you go" I had completely forgotten that my breathing was now in time with Ollie's, who was forcefully taking deep breaths so that I would take deep breaths with him. Sitting up, I looked up at the people that had circled around us, realizing that they were still the same people that I had grown familiar with. 

"What's wrong, darling?" a soft voice spoke, as they reached out to me, and I immediately caved into the welcoming arms, realizing that it was the man that had saved me from the truck and the panic attack that I had had in the back of the car earlier. I had lost all sense of time, unsure of what day it was. I was sure that I would be in trouble for that. 

Sitting on this man's hip, I immediately made quick work with grabbing the neckline of his shirt, before feeling the same feeling I had felt under Ollie's shirt, and reaching for the necklace. A low chuckle came from the man, as I slowly looked up to him, seeing him with a warm smile, which almost invited me to tell him exactly what was wrong, and why I was acting the way I was. 

"You like?" his questioned startled me a little, as I immediately let go and started to freeze up. I had been asked that question so many times when I was about to steal something that I could try and sell at one of the local markets so that I could have food, before dropping it, freezing and running as fast as I could, away from the shop. It usually worked, but now that fear had creeped up and was taking over my entire body. 

"I didn't mean to scare you. I just want to know what's got you so worried. Nothing will happen if you tell me, as we are here to protect you. We won't ever hurt you" and with that, it felt like everything I had been holding onto, had dropped from my body, as I slumped forward, resting my head on his chest, before muttering some small words. 

"'m scared of some people. certain men that hurt...." 

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thoughts? xx

sorry for the bad ending