Trouble || Gay MxM || Omegaverse

13. What Is Fair

Fuck, my heart hurt...

I had to force myself to keep walking as I returned to my car. Every single step away from crying Kieran broke something in me and my alpha. But I couldn't stay. Kieran deserved everything good in this world, so by taking myself out of his life was the best thing I could do for him. I didn't deserve anything. I didn't deserve to be the one to take his tears away.

He deserved someone better to do that for him. He deserved a good alpha by his side, not a terrorist who had ruined so many lives. Even if I managed to save the omegas, their lives were already destroyed. How was I supposed to look Kieran in the eyes and tell him he'd saved a man whose fault it was that so many omegas were being used in sickening ways to earn money to buy bombs that were used to kill innocent people?

I couldn't. I could only offer lies if I stayed with him. It was better for him that I left him to cry alone.

I finally reached my car. I quickly sat in and closed the door, ready to leave this place behind for good. I was never coming back. It was the last time I had to... I had...

I stopped to stare at the steering wheel, the weight on my chest suddenly growing so bad I couldn't breathe. Like I was being crushed, but from within. Panic set in. Panic and guilt and self-hate and every possible negative feeling one human could possibly ever feel.

I gasped for air, my heart racing and ears ringing.

My whole life, and everything that was left of it, came down on me all at once at that very moment. I saw myself the way my alpha saw me. I saw the finality of my actions.

I was going to die because of what I'd done.

I was going to die.

There was no other outcome for me. Glen and I were against jomicas, the real ones. At least a dozen of them with better guns and ten times more experience... We weren't getting out of that place alive. There was just no way... But I couldn't leave the omegas there and live my life as a coward. I had to try to make things right.

And it would kill me.

It scared the shit out of me. I'd never felt such fear in my life, not even when I ran away from the army, bleeding to death. I didn't... I didn't want to die... I was twenty-three years old! I wasn't supposed to die yet! I was supposed to have a whole life ahead of me!

But what else did I deserve? I'd ruined so much I didn't have any other way out.

"Fuck..." I gasped, that feeling I was suffocating getting even worse. "Fuck! Fuck!!"

I slouched over the steering wheel, squeezing it hard with my shaky hands. I cried like a little bitch, still gasping for air between my sobs as the weight was growing worse and worse. I couldn't get enough air... I thought I'd die from this panic...

How was this fair...? Why was I going to get severely punished for trying to fix my mistakes? How was I supposed to know better when every single person in my life had told me there was nothing wrong with my actions? They all told me it was the natural order of life, the ultimate truth! Even my own fucking parents praised me for treating omegas like trash! They told me I had a weak alpha, and I shouldn't listen to it! It wasn't my fault! I didn't know...!

And I should've known all along...

I just wanted to make things right again without having to pay that kind of price... But who would forgive me? Who would still be on my side? Not me. Definitely not my alpha. And Kieran...?

Kieran...

I could've had a mate... I could've had my own omega... When he asked me to stay with him, it sounded like he wanted me to stay to be his alpha... If only I hadn't seen him and his kind as nothing else but slaves... If only they hadn't taught me it was the right way of life.