Little Lila

three | warm feelings

I wake up with a pounding head. Sharp. Searing. 

My vision is blurry. Fuzzy. Warm. 

My heart is accelerating. I hear rapid beeping next to me. A machine? It's automatic. Like a robot. 

I'm on a wide, long, white bed with soft blankets over me. They're nothing like the scratchy blankets at the Center. I wear comfortable clothing. Where did my assassin clothes go? 

I feel a needle stuck into my arm. I feel something wrapped around my finger. 

I squint. The lights are dimmed. Natural light engulfs the room. I turn my head slightly, taking in my surroundings. 

My arm is bandaged, so is my thigh. An IV is stuck into my arm. 

I'm in an expensive bedroom. There is a black square on the wall. There are shelves of dolls and books. There is window with a circular built-in plushy seat. 

Through the window, I can see white fields. There are little clusters of snow-covered trees. Flurries fall down from the cloudy grey sky. 

Where have I been sent? Why am I in such a quaint room? 

My mind draws a blank. 

The door opens. I immediately tense up, eyes wide in anticipation. A woman steps inside. She has gentle features and smiles at me softly. 

"Hello, angel. How are you feeling?" She asks, walking towards me slowly. Her hands are empty. I don't see any bulges in her clothes... is she weaponless? 

I don't answer. I think I've lost the ability to speak. 

She sits at the edge of the bed. She takes my shaking, cold, bony hand in her steady, warm one. "You don't need to feel afraid. You're safe here," She tells me tenderly. 

"Who are you?" I ask. My voice is broken and light. How long have I been asleep? How did I even fall asleep? Was I drugged? 

"I'm your mother, Lila. You're my sweet baby. Our family has been looking for you since you were kidnapped as a toddler." Her explanation shocks me to my core. 

I stare at her. Eyes wide. Mouth open. My body tightens. My throat closes up. 

"I..." Is she joking? She must be. She has to be. Rage suddenly fills me. This woman looks just like me. 

We have golden blonde hair. Our eyes are the same shade of blue. Her nose is straight and slightly up-turned, like mine. We have soft baby faces. Hers has aged more, of course. She's older. 

I narrow my eyes at the woman. 

I've spent my entire life trying to repress my crazy tendencies. I have tried to prove that I am normal, that I deserve to go live with my family. 

But not anymore. 

I have grown to resent my family for leaving me at the asylum. 

Now my biological mother is saying I was kidnapped? 

How many lies will they tell me? 

"No... stop lying to me! You left me! You left me all alone in that crazy asylum! I hate you! I hate you so much!" The woman seems shocked at my outburst. 

She reaches towards my face and gently brushes her hand on my cheek. 

I freeze

Her touch is so so warm. I could melt in it. 

"I'm not, angel. I'm not. I feel so worthless. I let my only daughter experience so much pain... but we couldn't find you. You just disappeared." Tears begin to well up in the woman's eyes.