Call It What You Want

v

nathalie,

i told you that i'd write you a thousand poems if that'll make you feel better but why does it seem that writing a thousand poems for you could make me feel better?

we've come so far my love, happy crush lang talaga to eh. palagi ko pa ngang sinasabi noon na kuntento akong tatanawin kita kahit minsan hindi kita matanaw. i can never really come out of words when it comes to you. alam mo yung pakiramdam na it runs through my veins?

june last year, i met you. days after my graduation, you are somewhat my type. isa kang baby johnson. mabango ang typings, kakampink, socially aware at may humor. palagi ko namang sinasabi na because of the mix and match game kaya tayo na-push through. is it really because of that baby? o baka dahil ikaw na talaga?

i remember crying myself to sleep, asking if i deserved to be cheated on multiple times, am i that bad? i know i am not. ilang beses kong tinanong sa sarili ko na paano kung walang dumating? o paano kung may dumating pero hindi ako handa? paano kung kaya niya akong tratuhin nang tama pero ako naman yung hindi kayang maging maayos? bago kita makilala takot akong magmahal, takot akong masaktan ulit at higit sa lahat, takot akong makasakit.

then our lives connected with each other, i found something inside you. i admired you, wala naman kasing hindi kagusto-gusto sayo. you gave me a heads up na hindi ka ready, i respected that. i thought after knowing that what i feel would fade but no, it gets stronger every day. happy crush na naging crush, crush na naging like at like na naging love. ang corny pakinggan, parang hindi ako pero that's something that i want to say na paulit-ulit kahit corny.

when you came, hindi ko alam nangyari. i felt like all those doubts and fears suddenly vanished. sinabi ko sa mga kaibigan ko na gusto kitang itrato na maayos, gusto kong iparamdam sayo ang mundo, i wanted to love you and to take care of you in the most gentlest way because you deserve that.

july last year, sinabi ko sa isa kong tula na ikaw ang pinapangarap, sinisinta at mamahalin. masyado pang maaga noon pero ramdam ko na sa sarili kong iba na pagtingin ko sayo, hindi na basta happy crush yon. masaya ako tuwing masaya ka, masaya ako kapag nagkkwento ka ng mga bagay-bagay sakin, masaya ako na parte ako ng buhay mo.

not until one day, nagpaalam ka sakin na you need to deactivate. naiintindihan ko yon pero masakit sa akin, natakot ako na baka hindi ka na bumalik, na kung bumalik ka man hindi na tayo magusap. yung mga poems na ginawa ko sayo, i felt that it was too much. nabigla kita kaya binigay ko sayo ang space na yon.

i kept on writing even though hindi na kita nakakausap, wala ka pero yung nararamdaman ko nandon pa rin, habang tumatagal mas lumalalim pa. naging saksi ang bawat letra at salita na lumalabas sakin tuwing nagsusulat ako tungkol sayo, nung una wala akong balak ipabasa sayo ang mga yon dahil nga iniisip ko na baka nabigla nanaman kita dahil sa mga yon.

the open letter was indeed for you, it was a decision na hindi ko pinagisipan, naipost ko biglaan. akala ko hindi mo mahahalata pero sinalo mo and i'm very thankful na nabasa mo yon. dinala ito ng hangin sa tamang tao kasabay ng pagtangay sa pangalan ng gumawa. to be real with you, that letter was sent para makalimutan na kita, para tigilan ko na nararamdaman ko sayo dahil akala ko nga ay may nagugustuhan ka na, but days after. you messaged me, you told me that you like me yet you are not ready.

tinanggap ko na hanggang doon nalang tayo, wala akong sama ng loob but rather i am proud of you for being true to your words. you care for me and especially on what i will feel.

i don't know when all of this started baby but i am happy na umabot na tayo sa ganitong punto, ngayon lang ako naging masaya na ganito. gasgas na pero you have been and you are still my light every time that darkness haunts me, hindi mo ko iniwan kahit nasa lowest point ako ng buhay ko. naniwala ka na kaya ko pang maging maayos, naniniwala ka at alam kong patuloy kang maniniwala sa kakayahan ko.

nathalie, mahal kita. hindi dahil ginawa mo ang lahat ng ito para sakin, mahal kita dahil mahal kita. mahal kita dahil masaya ako kapag masaya ka, mahal kita dahil si nathalie ka. hindi ako magsasawang iparamdam sayo na kamahal-mahal ka. minahal kita, minamahal kita at mamahalin kita, palagi.

i want you here, by my side, to fall in love with, for everyday, constantly and genuinely.

it's so nice to be loved by you.

thank you for finding your way home, my love.

happy birthday, my spidey.