After Hours

Hopeless As Ever

January 26, 1971

After discussing the poem with her class the previous day, Jane thought she was going to have to commit herself by the end of the week. She thought there was no way she was in love with Brian but she couldn't get him out of her mind no matter how hard she tried. Her mind escaped to how his touch felt upon her skin, how his voice seemed to be the texture of velvet that made her want to listen to him forever until he couldn't speak anymore. How his eyes lit up when he talked about astronomy or the guitar but selfishly her personal favorite, how disappointed he always seemed when they had to part.

She knew she could never tell him or anyone for that matter, it would be a secret that would have to die with her. It would be hard to imagine being with somebody else, it seemed impossible to find someone else who understood her so easily. Jane always had this weird notion that she would more than likely end up unmarried, finding someone who wasn't a total prick is hard and she didn't want to fool with the dating process anymore. It led to more disappointment than one should experience in their lifetime.

Her classes came and went throughout the day, she was more distracted than she liked to be today but going through a crisis of possibly being in love with your best friend is something that takes up a lot of space in your head. She avoided the Sonnets for today as she didn't need another excuse to think about Brian.

Jane came home, immediately going to her bathroom and turning on the bathtub faucet. A warm bath should do the trick for relaxing after a day like today. The urge to take a quick smoke break gnawed at her, she always liked the way she felt in the moment of having a cigarette but the lingering taste and the smell urged her not to.

As her tub filled, she lit a few candles and turned off the lights. She undressed and pulled her hair up, before lowing herself into the warm water. She let out a sigh once she could feel her muscles start to relax, she couldn't believe she found herself in this mess. Jane was so happy and thankful to have Brian back in her life again and for them to be getting along so well again but now with these newish feelings presenting itself, how was she supposed to ignore it? It wasn't that she wanted to deny herself the happiness of a potential relationship with Brian but she didn't want to hurt him again.

She couldn't allow herself to give into these feelings unless she knew for certain that they're genuine and not just an exaggerated crush. As she had this internal conversation, she couldn't help picturing him sitting behind her in the tub with his arms wrapped around her.

Get yourself together

She thought to herself as she did her best to shut her brain off for the remainder of her bath.

After the water began to feel lukewarm, she got out, dried off and wrapped herself in her bathrobe, a cup of tea would help her calm down even more. She went to the kitchen and filled her kettle to place on the stove.

The phone rings and she goes to pick it up, "Hello?"
"Hi Jane, it's Brian."
She smiled widely, as much as her brain wanted to deny it, her heart was overjoyed when hearing the sound of his voice, "Hello there, how was your day today?"
"Good, made some progress on my project which is good. I felt as though we weren't getting anywhere but the electronics are working out like we thought they would. What about you, how was your day?"
"Good as well.. umm.. I thought about you a lot today."
He couldn't help but be a bit shocked, he thought his mind misheard what she had said, "Oh really?"
"Yeah, I remembered how you said Sonnet 18 was your favorite so I decided to look over it in class today."
"I know you said it's cheesy and sappy but it's a beautiful poem."
"Such a romantic as always."
"Oh yes and as hopeless as ever."
"I still don't understand how you're single, I used to tell you all the time any girl would be lucky to have you."
"You know how it is, the ones I always want don't want me.."
She looked down a little, fiddling with the belt of her robe.
"You never know.. maybe their minds have changed."
He was silent for a moment, forcing himself to hold back his tongue to outright ask if there's the tiniest possibility her mind had changed, "You're too hopeful for me."
"You deserve it, Brian, more than anyone I know."
"What makes me so deserving of that?"
"When you love somebody, you put everything to it. You never half ass in that department."
He chuckled a little, "You would know, wouldn't you?"
She was silent, "I've always wanted to ask you this.. why did you carry such a torch for me all those years ago?"
He chuckled again more so because nervousness was taking him over as their conversation about this subject had never been this direct before, there were questions and answers that had beat around the bush in the past but she never outright asked him like this before.
"There was no one like you, Jane. No one who listened to me like you did or cared about my interests like you did."
She smiled widely as he continued, his voice softened, "I had never met anyone as beautiful as you either."
"Stop, you're going to make me blush." She was already.
"It's the truth, did you always know how I felt about you?"
"You weren't very good at hiding it. I thought it was very cute, no one has ever treated me the way you did."
It saddened him a little that even though he'd still do it all for her again and again, she'd never reciprocate.
"Someone like you deserves the best."
After a few moments of silence of both of them getting lost in their 'what if' thoughts, Jane changed the subject, "You mentioned taking your favorite stargazing partner with you next time you went, are you sure you still want to?"
"Yeah, I don't know when Rog will be free though." He smirked,
She laughed, "Oh shut up, I'm serious."
"How about this weekend? Have you got anything planned?"
"Umm.." She pretended to flip through her planner on the table next to the phone, she knew there would be two blank pages for Saturday and Sunday, "No, I'm free this weekend if you are. Speaking of that, when's your next gig?"
"Well.. our bass player quit but we've been auditioning some new ones and this guy, John seems to be a fit, good playing and good personality. He's a little quiet but most bass players are."
"I hope he works out, I'm excited to see you play again."
"Did you ever think I could play the part of a rock star so well?"
"No, not at all. I never thought the shy, clean cut Brian could ever be the long haired hippie he is now."
He laughed, "I'll be sure to let you know of our next gig, do you want to plan on meeting up to go stargazing Saturday at seven? We could eat dinner before hand, my treat of course."
"No, you paid last time remember." She smiled.
"My mind seems to be drawing a blank about that, guess that means I'll have to pay this time."
"I forget how damn stubborn you can be sometimes." She noticed a slight lilt developing in her voice the longer they talked.
"I'm surprised you've forgotten so easily." He smiled.
They discussed where they would eat dinner, and where would be the best place to see the night sky. As a result of his studies, he had discovered some spots outside of London where there was minimal light pollution.
"I don't want to keep you any longer then, I hope I didn't bother you."
"No, you should know you're never a bother, Brian."
"Good.. as long as you don't think so."
She looked down a little, trying to hide from herself she was smiling from ear to ear.
"Have a good rest of your evening, Brian."
"You too, Jane."

They both reluctantly hung up the phone before Jane settled down on her couch with her tea and wondered how the hell she was going to handle herself once she got under the night sky with him again, she knew what happened the last time they did that together.