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ten.

Sitting at home in my apartment in Monaco was lonely.

It hit me back before Bahrain, but I really felt it now. I've never lived by myself until now. Even before I lived with Lando, I was either at home or had a roommate or lived with a significant other. Never alone.

I felt even more alone knowing that Lando was probably in our old apartment across town by himself too. Unless he's already gotten another girlfriend... okay, fuck, maybe I shouldn't think about that. The pang of hurt was enough to let me know that it probably wasn't a good idea for me to speculate whether or not my ex-boyfriend was in a relationship again or not.

I was scrolling through Instagram when a notification popped up at the top of my screen. My heart dropped. It was Lando.

Lando: i think we need to post something on our socials

I knew this text was bound to come eventually, but that didn't mean it didn't hurt. He was right, though. He'd been asked far too many times about me when we were in Bahrain this past weekend. I don't blame him for wanting things to be cleared up so that he didn't have to endure the questioning again. If he was anything like me right now, it probably felt like a knife to the chest every time someone brought me up.

When should we post?

I anxiously awaited his response. This was the first time we've communicated since the breakup. Well, not really, he texted me about a week afterward saying that he knew I didn't want to hear from him, but he was sorry (again) and that he loved me very much. I definitely teared up when he texted me that time, still very upset from the breakup, but I still responded. I had told him that I knew he was sorry and that I loved him too.

Text bubbles popped up in our conversation, he was replying and for some reason I held my breath.

Lando: 10 minutes? do you want to approve what I post?

My heart hurt at the thought of him still wanting my input. I guess you really don't let go of people that easily.

I wanted to tell him "no" and that I "trusted him" but the word trust was a sensitive subject between us. Instead, I settled for something else.

I think if we said what we think we need to, no need for the other's approval.

Lando "thumbs upped" my text. I took that as the 10-minute timer starting.

I went back to Instagram, scrolling through my posts, many of which still included him. Over two months post-breakup and I still didn't have the heart to delete any of them, but Lando hadn't either. If you looked at our socials right now, you'd probably think we were still a couple.

After scrolling for a little bit, I found my post from the Italy GP in 2022, Lando had finished on podium for that race and we were both elated. It was a picture taken by a Mclaren photographer. I remember the moment like it was yesterday, he'd just finished the race and pulled into the paddock. He jumped up on his car and thrown his hands in the air in celebration before hopping off and rushing to find me. When he did, he pulled his helmet off and gave me the biggest hug, both of us wearing smiles that hurt our cheeks - that was when the picture was taken.

I had received the picture in an email a couple of hours later. Lando and I were embracing and you could see my hand holding the back of his head and the smile on his face. It was probably one of my favorite pictures ever.

I chose that post to share to my story, now for the caption to go with it. My thumbs were shaky as I tried to type, tears threatening to spill as they clouded my eyes. When I post this, its official. I mean, it has been for a couple of months, but I'd been living in this alternate reality of only those close to us knowing about the untimely demise of our relationship and I hated to see that go.