~Mirrors are more than a fixture on a wall made of breakable glass and pretty frames. They are a portal to someone's soul, reflecting all of their deeply hidden fears, dreams, and desires🪞~
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FANTASIA
The smooth, yet upbeat melody of trumpets, saxophones, trombones, and drums blended together and fell upon my ears as Kennedy and I sat at a small table at the front of the jazz club, enjoying the live music as we talked over plates of lamb chops and loaded garlic mashed potatoes. Well, I was doing most of the talking. Kennedy seemed to be lost in a different world. She was physically there, but she wasn't mentally present with me. She's been acting different since she came home from work. When she didn't hug me and kiss me when she saw me, I knew that something wasn't right, but she hasn't said if something is bothering her or not. She hasn't said anything. I thought that bringing her to this jazz club would cheer her up because she loves jazz music, but she doesn't seem to be enjoying herself at all. At this point I just want to go home, but I also want to grab her by her hand and dance with her to the music. Even when I got up and walked around the table to sit on her lap and feed her, she didn't react. I stared into her eyes, searching for an answer within them.
Kennedy: Get off of me, Tasia.
Fantasia: Not until you tell me what's wrong with you. You look like you don't want to be here with me.
Kennedy:*sighs* Maybe I don't.
Fantasia: I don't understand why you're being so mean right now. Is this ahout Sarai wanting to meet her birth mom?
Kennedy: Do I need to remove you off of my lap, or are you going to get up?
I kissed my teeth, reluctantly getting off of her lap and sitting back down in my seat as I fought back tears. I'm very sensitive when it comes to things like this and Kennedy knows that. I hate feeling like I'm a bother to anybody. I need constant reassurance that I'm wanted and appreciated, and that's probably something that I have to work on within myself, but Kennedy knows that about me. So why is she still treating me like this?
Fantasia: I'm sorry. I'm not trying to push you.
Kennedy: I can't tell. Why is it such an issue that I'm tired after a long day?
Fantasia: Well we could have stayed at home. I just wanted to take you out and spend alone time with you. We haven't had a date night in a minute, and-
Kennedy: You're really getting on my nerves. I want to hear the music, not your mouth. You know what, let's just go the fuck home.
She got up and stormed out of the jazz club, leaving me alone at the table, hurt and confused. What did I do wrong? This isn't like her at all. She's never tried to intentionally hurt my feelings. She rarely even curses at me. I don't know who this mean-spirited woman is that has stolen my wife's face and body, but I wish that she would give me the real Kennedy back. She's acting like she can't stand me, which doesn't make sense when we were so good just a few days ago. Maybe the fact that Sarai is upset with us right now and desperate to meet her biological mom is getting to her, but that doesn't make it right for her to take her frustration out on me. We're partners in this thing called life, but right now she's acting like she wants to go solo and it's really crushing my heart. After just sitting there for a few seconds with tears in my eyes and wracking my brain trying to figure out what I could have done wrong to upset her, I went outside and got in the car. I stared straight ahead out of the windshield as she drove, refusing to talk to her. I could tell by the way she was pounding the gas and jerking the car to a stop at every red light and stop sign that she was upset. She was going 10 miles over the speed limit.
Fantasia: You need to slow down.
Kennedy: You need to shut up and let me drive.
Fantasia: Don't fucking tell me to shut up, Ken! You're starting to piss me off with your attitude! I didn't do shit to you!
Kennedy: You're going to make me pull this car over.
Fantasia: Pull it over then!
I was fed up and nothing she could say or do would bring me down from my boiling point. I hate being mad at her. It's not a good feeling, and it's not something that I'm used to. I honestly just want to break down into tears, but my anger won't allow me to be that vulnerable right now. She pulled over into this field, leaving the car running. I didn't even want to look over at her, but she grabbed my chin and snapped my head towards her, her milk chocolate eyes boring into mine with intensity.
Kennedy: Why did it take me pissing you off to pull some kind of passion out of you?
Fantasia: What? What are you talking about, Kennedy? I show you plenty of passion.
Kennedy: You give me plenty of love and physical affection, but that doesn't mean the same thing as passion. It feels like the flame between us has burned out.
Fantasia: If you were feeling that way, you could have just talked to me about it. You didn't have to push me to anger and make me cry. That was very manipulative of you. How long have you been feeling this way?
Kennedy: I don't know. I guess I've been feeling like this for a while, and I just didn't want to accept it so I never said anything, because saying something would make it real.
Fantasia: Well I feel like we have plenty of passion, so where does that leave us? We're not on the same page. You see an issue where I don't.
Kennedy: That's not surprising. You never see an issue with anything. You just want to pretend that everything is fine instead of facing our problems. You don't live in reality, Fantasia. You live in this fantasy land in your head and I can't reach you when you go to that place.
Fantasia: This just doesn't make sense to me. How am I the one pretending when you've been hiding your true feelings all alone? I genuinely don't feel like there's anything wrong with our relationship, but you've been harboring a lot of resentment, and now it's coming out in the worst way. I'm happy with you. Are you not happy with me anymore? What did I do?
Kennedy: It's not what you did. It's what you didn't do. You should have been able to see that I wasn't completely satisfied. The fact that you didn't is a problem. It makes me feel like you don't know me.
Fantasia: We've been together since high school. I know you better than you know yourself. How could you say that to me? Where is this coming from?
Kennedy: I don't know, but you're not the only one hurt by it. You don't think this is killing me? I hate feeling like we're not on the same page, because we've never been in this place before.
Fantasia: I'm willing to try anything to get us out of this place.
Kennedy: Good, because so am I.
I was confused as Kennedy smiled and began to kiss me, but I wasn't going to complain. I let my seat all the way back as she climbed into my lap and started peppering my neck with kisses. I moaned softly in her ear, my eyes rolling from the pleasure as I reached my hand up her dress and eased her panties down her legs. I feel very manipulated and gaslit right now, but I want her too badly to think about that. Her love is the only thing I've ever known. We were just two little 16-year- old girls when we got together, and we thought we knew everything when we didn't know a damn thing at all. We grew into womanhood together. I gave her every single piece of me and trusted that she would handle every piece with care. She was the first person to see me naked. She was the first person to kiss me and touch me. We have too much history to throw our marriage away over a difference of opinion. We can get through this. We can get through anything.
