Thin

Chapter Eight - Ambivalence

Chapter Eight – Ambivalence

I lean against the back of the chair, silently watching my table convers to one another. Each girl is full of smiles and laughs, radiating under the harsh fluorescent lights of the school. How can all of them just seem so happy all of the time? I didn’t even know that was possible, but then again, what did I know about being normal? I turn my focus to each set of eyes as they speak, trying to keep up with the conversation. No matter how hard I try, I just can’t.

        I fail once again.

        How many times am I going to fail before I give up trying?  Why can’t I just realize that I’m never going to win the war? I can try with all my might, but I’m fated to be pushed in front of the bus. I’m always going to be a hopeless cause, no matter what I do. The sooner I realize it, the better.

         “Kyleigh? Are you okay?” Ali says, wrinkles forming thickly on her forehead. The motion makes her appear older than she really is by a landslide. She shouldn’t worry so much; she already has everything she’ll ever need in life.

        She’s perfect in every way imaginable.

        I’ll never be like that, no matter how hard I wish I could be.

        “Kyleigh?”

        I wonder if her face will stay like that forever. Dad would always tell me that if my mouth stays like that for too long, it’ll freeze like that forever. All wrinkly and concerned with her eyebrows all the way up in her hair would make for a pretty strange face expression to have forever.  At least if It froze like that, she’ll be less perfect and more flawed like me.

        She seems to be so motherly to me, always worrying and fussing over her poor little Kyleigh. A sixteen year old shouldn’t be worrying so much; it can’t be good for her. Ali will probably have permanent wrinkles all over her face now because of all the stress I put on her. She’d be stuck with it, too, as she’s too afraid of needles to ever get surgery.

        I can’t be good for her.

        “Leigh?”

        Why is she even around me still? How can she handle my bitchy-ness and my coldness and my pathetic-ness and….and everything about me? I’m no one in the right mind’s ideal best friend. I’m practically made up of my flaws, which reflect so horribly to all the people around me.

        “Leigh? My gosh, are you okay?”

        I’m just her anchor; pulling her under so that the water rushes over her head. I’m dragging her down to rock bottom with me, that way I won’t be alone when this is all over. She shouldn’t have to get wet and feel the icy burn that must corrupt her heart; I’m the one causing her to drown.

        Me.

        It’s all my fault.

        “Leigh, answer me!” Ali’s voice breaks, filling my mind with the pitchy fright.

        “How do you do it?” I ask her, my own soft voice contrasting to the will of Ali’s. She’s also been one to fight and not let anything get in her way, one of the many things I admire about her that I wish I had.

        “Do what? Kyleigh, you’re making no sense.” She searches my eyes, looking for what was causing me to act so madly. Does she know just how insane I am or can she only see the glimpses of it I let her see?

        My eyes start to burn, as I try to blink away the tears. Why am I even crying? God, I’m just such a pathetic human being. I can’t even think straight without wanting to cry away all my feelings until I’m nothing more than smudgy remains of mascara staining the floor.  “How can you put up with me? I’m horrible, absolutely horrid.”

        “Oh, Leigh, honey.” She places a heavy hand on my shoulder, as if that would actually help me feel better. It doesn’t.  I shake her hand off of my shoulder with a quick, jerk movement filled with odd angles. That’s what she thinks of me now, someone who needs to be pitied.

        It’s really just my fault. Maybe if I weren’t so pathetic and fat, people wouldn’t pity me with that familiar sad little smile I receive when people think I’m not looking. How could you not pity someone who was so obviously weak, such a devastating loser?

        All my fault.

        My fault.

        “What? Going to say that I’m wonderful and great? I’m a wonder friend who deserves to live a happy life and never cry or think anything expect for what you want me to think? Are you really just planning to just sit there and lie to my face?

        “Lies. All of the words you could say right now are bullcrap lies just made to make me feel better, Ali. They’re not real, so how could they make anything better for me, huh?” A single tear escapes from my eyes, but I don’t feel remotely sad.  I’m just tired; so tired that I could just plot down on my bed and sleep for the rest of my pathetic life.

        Ali opens her mouth to say something, but stops when she sees the look on my face. “Just stop, Ali. Please. I really don’t want to hear anything you have to say right now.”

        She doesn’t listen as she tries once again to catch me off guard, “Leigh-”

        “God, Alexandria, just shut up. I’m not in the mood for this.” I snap at her like the witch that stares back at me thought the mirror. Ugly girls aren’t meant to have good things in life, so Ali and I’s relationship was domed from the start.

        Ali finally gets the memo and stops trying to talk to me. She bites her lips, a normal habit of hers when she’s forced into a situation she can’t control. I probably just crushed her poor little spirit and the shred of affection she had left of me by being so rude, but it’s too late to take back any words.

        By now, everyone at the table is looking at us with wide eyes. They’re probably wondering why Kyleigh Frost is being such a bitch to her closest friend, the great Ali West. Ali, I know they whispered to each other, is the only good thing she has left in life. Is she really pushing her away like that when Ali did nothing wrong? What’s wrong with her?

        I don’t have an answer for them because I don’t know what’s wrong with my mind. 

Now that I know what you guys think of Ali, what do you think of Kyleigh?