Thin

Chapter Ten - Distancing

Chapter Ten – Distancing

My hand shakes as I raise it towards the door to Coach Martin's office.  This is pathetic; I should just knock already.  It's not a hard thing to do, quit simple actually.  I need to do this.  I promised myself that I would distance; here I am, coming to distance myself.

        Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath.  In and out; steady my heart rate.  Why am I even doing this?  I don't have to quit cheer; I can just keep skipping practice.  Eventually they'll get the hint and I’ll be off the hook.  Yeah, that's what I’ll do.  I won't have to face my problems with this plan, which is exactly how I like to do things.

        I lower my hand down to my side and start to walk away as silently as humanly possible.  Three steps; that's how many steps I take when I hear the unmistakable squeak that I’ve grown to know. The door to Coach Martin's office squeaks open.

        Oh shit, she caught me.

         "Kyleigh? Is that you?"  Coach Martin asks, her voice echoing through the empty locker room.

        Of course I’m now forced to face my problem.  Heaven forbid something was to happen to me that went in my favor.  "Yeah, it's me. How has your day been?" I ask, plastering a smile on my face as I turn around to face her.

        Coach Martin crosses her arms across her chest and sighs. "It was fine, thank you for asking.  Although today in practice, we had to use Stacie as a flyer instead of you.  We're been having to do that a lot, lately.  You'd know that, of course, if you bothered to show up."

        "I know, Coach.  I'm sorry I haven't been showing up lately.  I've been swamped with homework and studying for exams.  You know how hard high school can be sometimes." It’s scary how easy lying comes to me.  I don't even think about it before it comes out, it just does.  It’s a natural defense now.

        In all honestly, I haven't had any energy lately to do any homework or studying . My declining grades are more than enough prove of that.  I’m too tired to care about them; too hungry to panic over how this year will affect my future.

        "Kyleigh, I seriously doubt your commitment to this team.  We’re a team, do you get that?  Your decisions affect all of the girls. Your lack of responsibility weakens the whole team, not just yourself.  Do you understand that?"

        I nod my head, fierily.  Oh god, shaking my head that fast really hurts.

        "Good, I’m glad you do.  Now, what's the reason why you’re in the lock room? Did you need to tell me something?"

        I was hoping that she'd forget about why I’m here in the first place, that's she'd just focus on her lecture that fell dead to my ears.  Of course that didn't happen; this is my life we're talking about.  There’s no use in lying now, I’ll just have to come right out and tell her the truth.

        I was actually thinking the same thing you were.  About how much of a horrible team member I am and-"

        Coach cuts me off with a shake of her head, "You aren't the worst.  Kyleigh, you have potential; you have skills." Her voice softens as she goes on with the lies.

         "But you're wrong, Coach.  I’m so selfish; I only think of myself versus the team.  For that I am sorry, I truly am." I grow fidgety as I talk.  Am I really doing this? There’s no going back after the words leave my mouth.

        I know I have to do this, though.  I wish it were for unselfish reasons, that I’m doing this for the good of the team.  However, I can’t lie to myself like that.  Truthfully, not eating makes me hungry, so hungry it hurts.  The headaches make it worse because it comes along with the dizziness.  All I want to do lately is crawl under my covers and sleep for the rest of eternity.  I don’t want to get up and face the world any more than I already have to.

        “What are you saying, Kyleigh?” Coach asks this, but she knows exactly what I’m saying.

        “I’m quitting cheerleading.  I love cheer, I really do.  The responsibility and work is just getting to be too much work.  That’s what cheer is becoming, work, not fun.  I just don’t have the energy to do it anymore, Coach.”  I don’t add the fact that I don’t have the energy for anything, barley enough to breathe.  Coach is nice –strong- but she’d tell in a heartbeat; just like my dad and Ali.  They’d tell me that it’s for my own good, that I need it, that I can’t keep living this way.

        They don’t understand what it’s like to live in my mind; how hard it is to think about anything expect food.   If I can’t live the thin way, I don’t want to live.

        I expect Coach to fight for me to stay; for her to say that I need to stay.   She doesn’t.  All she says is, “It seems like you made up your mind about this.  I won’t try to stop you.”

        I wait a few more seconds, expecting her to say more.  She doesn’t. I smile at her and she slightly nods her head.  Taking that as a sign to leave, I head out the way I am in; away from her and to my escape route.

        “Don’t give up on everything, Kyleigh.” Coach Martin calls out to me as my hand touches the cool medal handle of the door.   Her comment catches me off guard and I’m suddenly award if the sound my feet make when I fast walk.

        I wish I could, Coach.

        I wish a lot of things, but that doesn’t mean that it’ll come true.

 

thank you for reading this still. ily.