Thin

Chapter Eleven - Antechamber

Chapter Eleven - Antechamber

This is the moment of truth.

        Am I really as strong as I believe I am? Can I resist all the temptations that calories have to offer? Can I trust myself not to binge? Can I stay strong?

        These are some of the most wondered questions of my entire life and now I get to find the answer to them. Sometimes I wonder how I ever got so lucky.

        “Kyleigh? Did you hear me? I said, can you help me put the groceries away?”  Dad asks, his eyes searching mine. The familiar brown eyes are barley viable, with the brown paper bag full in his arms.

        He walks pasts me into the kitchen and seconds later, I hear him rest it on the counter. The sudden loud sound of it hitting the counter makes me jump. How long can I go on without opening my mouth? Opening my mouth means that I have the chance to stuff it with fat. I can’t trust myself with that kind of power.

        Dad reappears seconds later, his arms free of bags and his eyes full of concern.

        He shouldn't be so concerned about me; I’m getting better at doing this. I’m becoming stronger; I’m actually excelling at something for once in my life. He should be proud of me, so incredibly proud.

        I wish I could tell him just how well I’m doing. I want to be able to tell him just how well I’m doing. I want to be able to tell him all of my secrets, every day that I’ve been strong and resisted the urge to eat. To show him just how good I am at smiling, even when I feel like my insides are shattering. How good of an actress I am; I fool everyone that sees me on a daily basis. To be able to show him my vast skill and knowledge of how many calories are in most foods, how I know exactly how much minutes on the treadmill I’ll have to do to burn all the fat off.

        The downside of sharing the knowledge – the skill – that I bear is that he’ll know how fat I really am. How many inches my waist actually measures.  How I sometimes like to binge on my almonds in the morning, eating two handfuls instead of the regular six.   How much pain I’m constantly in, from the headaches to the cramps. He’ll know how much of a whine baby I am because I can’t handle life.  He’ll know how close I am from jumping into the deep end of the pool without my life jacket on; how easily I can snap. How much I cry.  How crazy I am; the disturbing things that run around inside my head.  How truly and utterly of a mess I actually am.

        He can’t know any of this, he just never can. It’ll break his heart and after my mother, I don’t know if he can handle more heartbreak. How much can his heart break before it never becomes whole again? Duct tape can’t always fix everything, no matter how much Dad thinks it can.

        “Ky?” I try to give him a big, cheerful cheerleading smile but all I can manage is a small, weak one. I want to give Dad the world, but I can’t; I’ll never be good enough for the rest of the world.

        “Are you okay, Hun? You seem off lately. Sadder, lost even – misguided, yeah that’s the word I’m looking for. Are things okay with school and friends? Is it just the exams? I know that they must be tough right now as the results basically determine your whole future. I know that you will ace them, though, so don’t stress too much. Kyleigh Jane, you’re my little genius.” He gently ruffles my hair, as I try not to stagger under the weight of his hand. He doesn’t seem to see me flinch; he doesn’t look hurt and his body doesn’t stiffen. Oh god, how sad is it when you flinch when your own Dad touches you – especially one you love more than anything else in the world.