To Live Again {Lord of the Rings/ThranduilXOC Fanfiction}

21. A Mother's Courage

I am in a trance and I have been since we left Imladris all those days ago. Everything feels distant and faraway, and even though the world seems to go on as normal, I am unfortunately stuck in my head. I keep repeatedly going over every detail of that night in my head and I keep trying to imagine up ways of making it better. Nothing works of course, because there is nothing I can do. This feels very much like having salt rubbed into an open wound; painful and torturous. I guess the most distressing thing is that while I am quietly suffocating on my own thoughts no-one else seems to notice. The only one that understands, and the only other soul that would make me feel better, is the reason I am in this position.

Thranduil has kept to his word. He is silent and displaced from me, conversing only for the sake of Legolas. I find I live for those moments just so I can hear his voice, no matter how despondent it is. He is much better at creating walls than I am, because I can't even read a single emotion on his face. So for my own sanity I drag behind the rest of the convoy, just so I cannot torture myself by being too close to him. Legolas spends his time scurrying between his father and grandfather, then to me and Aradan, who has stayed as close to me as he can. Once he was able to decipher the events and revelations for himself he has been a silent pillar of support for both Thranduil and I. He does not take sides and splits his time between giving me someone to talk too, and riding silently beside Thranduil just to make sure his old friend remains coherent. Either way he is the neutral party and helps in distracting Legolas from the real problem.

So far so good, Legolas has not queried the obvious change in the atmosphere. Though he knows something is wrong, he knows I am sad and he knows his father is sad, because he tells us and he tries to make us smile. So for his benefit we do and we act like it is nothing he needs to concern himself with. Oropher however, is another story and has formed his opinions on the matter.

On leaving Imladris he rode beside me for a little time in silence. When he spoke I was surprised by the sympathy in his tone. He told me that as far as he was concerned I belonged with his people, and that Greenwood would always be my home. He also told me that although my tale was one that both shocked and baffled him, he was prepared to believe it. Mostly because he always had his suspicions, he knew I was not what I claimed and he knew I had been dishonest. His closing sentiment was that Thranduil was his son, and I had hurt him, this was not something that sat well with him. He advised me I had much to do to mend what I had inadvertently broken but hoped in time it could be. He could not deny his son had never been happier than when he was happy with me.

Oropher's understanding was probably the most painful part of the whole sorry situation. I sort of hoped if he had been angry or unreasonable I would have respite from my guilt. Someone would have told me off and all would get back to being as it should be. That of course is a ridiculous and childish notion, but in the thick of heartache stupid things cross your mind. Still, I had not expected his kindness and I probably did not deserve it, but in a small way it gave me courage. What also gives me courage is my friendship with Glorfindel and even Celebrian. I have made allies and I know that if the worst should ever befall me they would come for me. Glorfindel said as much when he had caught up with me at dawn on my last morning.

He embraced me and apologised so profusely I actually started feeling guiltier that I had got him wrapped up in all of this. He also told me to remember what we had talked about, I was not here by chance and that I was not to lose sight of that. He still firmly believed I was meant to be with Thranduil and practically laughed off my worries. When I questioned how he could be so sure he just shrugged and told me some things are written in the stars. I sort felt he was a tad dramatic and unhelpful with that romanticised statement but again he didn't seem bothered.

Celebrian was most apologetic; she was just devastated that anyone would belittle me in her home. Between herself and Glorfindel they had successfully seen to Echanar, he would be justly punished for his undesirable actions. I had worried a little about this because he did, after all, just repeat the truth. Celebrian informed me that no matter if it was the truth or not, I was a noble lady and Thranduil was a Prince, such foul underhanded behaviour would not be tolerated in her realm. Also Glorfindel was a little displeased with being spied on and he was not prepared to let that go. He wanted the little rat taught a valuable lesson in manners. With a warm embrace Celebrian bid me farewell and made me promise to keep in contact. She also whispered to me that Imladris was always open to me; I could seek sanctuary there if ever I needed it. Although I dearly hope I never will.