Loving Loki

Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again

The funeral for my mother was the next day. I watched as her lifeless body, beautifully prepared by my own hands, passed through the large crowd that had gathered for her remembrance. I never knew how much my mother had touched people's lives until I saw the amount of people who came. Days afterwards, people were still telling me about how kind and generous she was.

I watched as her boat was pushed off from the shore. I couldn't cry. I had fallen asleep, still begging her to wake up. But when I awakened to Nana gently helping me to my bed, I wiped my eyes and had not cried since. I just couldn't. A part of me was being sent off to a place in which I could not follow. And I could not cry. The tears begged to be released but my eyes denied them.

I watched as she passed by me. I wanted to touch her hair on more time. To tell her I loved her. But my mother was gone. I wanted to change everything. Go back and not visit Loki that day. But there is no sense wishing for something that cannot be.

Her boat drifted away from the shore. Glowing blue balls of light were released into the sky. As was the custom, a mourning song was sung as she drifted away. The haunting melody whispered through the air. Then, the boat was gone.

Mother had told me that every star was a life. A life stolen by death. She used to tell me stories about certain stars. I looked up at the dark sky and saw a star twinkle. I chose that one to be my mother's. She would have liked the sparkle.

I trudged home in the dark, for all funerals were held at night. Nana had wanted to stay with me, but she had a family as well. I told her I would be fine. But I wasn't. How could I ever be fine again? I felt the emptiness in everything. The very air seemed to whisper my loss. She had been the truest of friends. The greatest of sympathizers. Now, I had no one.

Alone. It was a haunting realization. When you look around and suddenly you realize that no one is left. No one was there. It was just you. You in a very large world. Instead of going straight home, I decided to go someplace that didn't have memories of her.

I hadn't had a great deal of time to think about things. It was overwhelming. I let it overpower me and the emotions washed over me like a wave. But there were so many different emotions, that they blended together into one single reverberating pain that swept through my entire body.

I knew I shouldn't be walking this far with my current wound, but I did so anyway. I wondered what happened to Loki. I found it surprising that no one talked of him. Maybe it was a small disruption. Maybe no one wished to worry me. Three weeks. It still baffled me. Anything could happen in three weeks.

The snow was disappearing and spring teased Asgard. It was only a matter of time before I began to see the roses and aspen growing. I loved spring. The season of new life. But now, it only seemed to hold death.

I had reached the cave. It was so dark. I crept down the ladder. I could barely see my hand in front of my face. I sat against the wall, letting the memories of all that had happened in this room drift into my mind.

I still couldn't believe he had been lying the whole time. A part of me wondered if he had only acted parts of it. Maybe some of it had been genuine. But then I was reminded of the way he simply disowned me. She is nothing to me. He had said it so easily. Had I really meant nothing? In a matter of days it seemed as though I had lost all of my friends.

I was an orphan. I was friendless. I was heartbroken. My mother was dead. I had given my heart to someone who hated me. I was broken. I was cursed. I was a monster. I allowed my hands to glow gently. I was still reeling from the idea that I was the daughter of a murderer. I clapped my hands together, quenching the glow and sending sparks everywhere.