Albatross

Chapter 05: The Things We Miss

Dr. Holt thought Elliot should move on—that wasn't a surprise for Elliot. It was what everyone around him seemed to think. What he hadn't expected was for Dr. Holt to say he needed to find someone to move on with.

The very idea of finding someone else—someone that wasn't Allan—bothered Elliot. Probably more than it should. It made something in him snap, and he wasn't surprised when the rest of the session didn't go as well as it normally would have. Not that it was ever a pleasant experience.

"I don't think getting a new boyfriend will be the answer to all my problems," Elliot said with irritation. Dr. Holt seemed somewhat surprised at the sharp response, but Elliot didn't care. Honestly, he could have worded that in a much less polite manner.

"I'm not saying it will," Dr. Holt said in her usual calm tone. "But maybe it would be good for you to find someone to help you move on. Don't you think Allan would have wanted that for you?"

The words stung Elliot, maybe more than they should have. Elliot still wouldn't admit to himself why.

"I don't know, he's dead. What he wants doesn't really matter now, does it?" he retorted. He watched as Dr. Holt did her best to hold back a sigh. She took a moment to reign in her thoughts before she said anything else.

"No I guess not," she admitted. Elliot wouldn't show it, but he was surprised. Maybe because most of the time he could never agree on anything with Dr. Holt. "But for your own good, I think it's important that you establish some connections with other people."

"I'm not isolating myself," Elliot said, very much aware that that wasn't entirely true. For a moment he thought he could make out some frustration on Dr. Holt's expression. It was gone before Elliot could be sure.

"Maybe not, but you need support and while I'm sure your family is trying to provide it, I'm not convinced that's enough." She let out a small sigh and looked at Elliot with something that made him uncomfortable. It wasn't quite pity, but it was close enough to make him fidget in his seat. "You lost someone very important to you, Elliot. A loss like that can change a lot of things. Now you need someone to help keep you grounded. Allan did that for you before, didn't he?"

That was a question that both Elliot and Dr. Holt knew the answer to. Neither of them said anything though, not for a while. It was Dr. Holt that broke the silence with a soft sigh. She sounded tired, maybe as much as Elliot was and for a moment, he felt something like guilt stir inside his mind. He knew she was just trying to help.

"Allan was important to me," he said, maybe motivated by that guilt. "And he was someone that I don't think could ever be replaced." He hoped that was enough to make Dr. Holt understand.

"I'm not saying you should," she said, and Elliot wasn't surprised that she was insisting on talking about this. "Elliot, you're never going to love someone the same way you loved Allan, but that doesn't mean you'll never love anyone again."

Elliot didn't say anything to that, because he disagreed, like he usually did. He thought there was really no point in voicing his thoughts. Dr. Holt seemed to pick up on them anyway.

"You don't have to actively search for someone," she said with a tone that suggested this would be her last attempt of the day to get through to Elliot. "But if you do find someone who you think can help you move on, don't push them away. Don't close yourself off, Elliot." The 'anymore than you already have' went unsaid, but was clear enough.

When Elliot left Dr. Holt's office that day, he didn't feel any better, but neither did he feel as angry as he had on previous occasions. Mostly, he felt tired.

He felt worn and old and stretched too thin for someone as young as he was. The weight of everything he'd been avoiding seemed to topple onto him at that moment. Dr. Holt had presented him with an issue he'd been doing his best to forget.

Elliot didn't like being alone. Maybe it was because Allan had always been there at his side—always. From the time they were in high school, they'd always been together. To try to find someone else, to replace Allan—because no matter what Dr. Holt said, that's what it was—felt wrong. It made something like guilt stir inside him.

His phone rang, and at the moment, Elliot was grateful for the distraction. When he saw who was calling, he wasn't so sure he should be glad.

"Hey Beth," he greeted as he made his way to his car.

"Hi," his sister greeted from the other end of the line. "How did it go with Dr. Holt?"

Elliot did his best to not sigh at the question. It was the same thing Beth always asked when she called. And she usually called after Elliot had met with his therapist. Most of the time, Elliot didn't mind. There were times when he'd actually been glad. That day, however, he wasn't in the mood to have his sister attempt to comfort him.

"Fine," he said, deciding that it would be best to try to convince Beth everything went well. "We just talked about moving on," Elliot went on, leaning back against the car seat.

"Oh, how did that go?" Elliot didn't know whether to be offended or amused at the uncertain tone in his sister's voice.

"Fine, what did you expect?" Elliot said, and managed to sound only minimally insulted at his sister's doubt.

"I don't know, for you to walk out maybe?" Beth teased and Elliot settled for glaring at the car parked in front of his. He had only walked out once. "But really, what happened? What did Dr. Holt say?"

"Ever heard of patient confidentiality?" Elliot responded to his sister's questions. She made a frustrated sound, something like a huff, and Elliot smiled faintly. "I said I'd try," he admitted.

"Oh," Beth said, and Elliot knew that wasn't enough for her. "That's good," she added a second later, her tone overly cheerful.

"I'm trying, you know," Elliot said before his sister could say anything else. "I know it doesn't seem like it sometimes, but I am."

Beth was quiet on the other end. Maybe she felt guilty for pushing Elliot. A part of him was hoping she did.

He sighed and started up the car.

"I have to go," he told his sister. "Thanks for calling." He hung up before Beth could protest and hoped she wouldn't call again that day.