Albatross

Chapter 06: Perchance To Dream

There was a large window in Elliot's apartment. It took up most of the space between the floor and ceiling and faced the main street. At times—especially after Allan had just passed away—he would stare at it for long periods of time (usually when he'd just woken up).

Not through it, but at it. He never told anyone what he thought about when he did this.

Sometimes, he would dream he was standing in his apartment. Before him, the window was open. The curtains moved erratically, twisting and snapping as a cold gust of wind burst in. Elliot stepped forward until he could look out the window and see the dark void on the other side—calling to him.

Then Allan would be there and the window would be gone. Elliot hadn't had that dream in months. Now, as he woke up and glanced at the window, its curtains drawn shut with only a few slivers of sunlight filtering through, Elliot was glad for that much.

"This is unusual." Elliot nearly jumped at the sudden voice. He turned to see Allan standing in the middle of the room with a thoughtful expression as he stared at the window. After a moment, he looked back at Elliot and smiled faintly. "Hello, Elliot."

For a while Elliot just sat in bed and stared at the other man. It had been a while since he'd seen Allan. He was starting to fear that the man was gone for good this time. Now that he was standing before him, he couldn't help but feel relief, even as he struggled to understand what was happening.

"This is a dream?" he asked, looking around the room with surprise.

"Yeah," Allan said simply, looking at Elliot with a curious expression. "But you couldn't tell."

Elliot wasn't sure if that was a question or not, but he still answered. "No," he said. "I don't usually dream of this place." Allan nodded, still looking thoughtful.

"How are you?" he asked Elliot. In response, Elliot shrugged.

"The same as always, I suppose," Elliot said. But in all honesty, he didn't feel the same.

When Elliot really thought about it, he most certainly wasn't the same. The painful ache that had been within him since the moment Allan died still remained, but it was no longer a nearly crippling weight Elliot had to carry. Now it was like a constant companion. Something Elliot couldn't really forget, but would still not hold him back. He wondered if that was what moving on felt like.

He wondered if someday that feeling of loss would disappear, and he wasn't sure if he would want it to.

"You talked to Dr. Holt, didn't you?" Allan asked, and of course he knew. He always knew what was going on with Elliot, he always had.

"I did," Elliot answered shortly, not in the mood to discuss that with Allan. Maybe he just didn't want to admit that he was so much as considering moving on. For a moment, Elliot wondered if Allan would care.

Would he see it as Elliot forgetting about him? Elliot looked at Allan and knew the answer.

"So, what did she say this time?" Allan asked, looking genuinely curious.

"The same as always," Elliot said with a shrug. "Said I should try moving on," he said, and watched Allan for any reaction as he continued. "She said I should try to find someone to move on with."

The other man's reaction wasn't what Elliot had been expecting. A simple nod, that was all. Something in Elliot's chest tightened.

"And do you think she's right?" Allan asked. Elliot swallowed and didn't know why he was dreading answering that question.

"I don't know, do you?" he settled for saying. As soon as the question was out of his mouth, Elliot regretted asking. He thought maybe Allan could tell, and hoped he wouldn't answer. He wasn't so lucky.

"Yes," Allan said, the answer easy to him. Elliot envied him a bit for being able to be so honest, even as he clenched his fists at his sides and tried to ignore the pang of hurt that he felt at that simple word. Allan looked at him with something like sympathy, or maybe it was pity. Elliot couldn't tell anymore. "I don't want you to be alone," Allan said after a while.

"I'm not," Elliot was quick to answer. Outside, he could hear the wind blowing.

"You're lying," Allan countered without missing a beat.

"I'm not," Elliot said, and didn't know why he suddenly felt so mad. "I have Beth, and my parents. Dr. Holt," he argued and the words sounded weak even to his own ears.

Allan still looked at him with too much pity in his eyes. It made Elliot wonder why he was there if all he would do was feel sorry for Elliot. If all he would do was tell him he was wrong.

"But you won't listen to them," Allan said. "And you won't let them get close enough to help."

Elliot knew that was true. He'd been keeping his distance from everyone, even when he knew it was wrong. They worried about him. It was why he tried to be better sometimes, to be the person he was before.

He couldn't do that though, not really. Too much had changed. The windows rattled as the wind beat against them.

"I'm trying," Elliot insisted, and it was true. He didn't want people to worry about him anymore.

"Then listen," Allan said and Elliot thought there was something like sadness in his tone.

A strong gust of wind knocked the window open, the curtains fluttering wildly. The sound was deafening, seeming to grow louder with each second that passed. Allan just stood there, watching Elliot with something that could only be disappointment. It made something inside Elliot ache.

The wind was howling as Allan opened his mouth to say something else and as hard as Elliot tried he couldn't hear him. There was a stinging sensation in his eyes that he thought might have been the wind. Elliot closed them for a moment.

When he opened them, Allan was gone.

He sat up in bed, and looked around the empty room. Outside, the sound of the wind seemed like a distant thing.