Cross Your Heart (Tadashi x Reader)

Chapter Eighteen: Ideas

You wake up and attempt to get on your normal schedule. You check your mail, make coffee, and get your clothes out for a shower. Everything falls short when you're continuously haunted by the memories of Tadashi. Your mail remains unopened on the couch, your clothes untouched in the bathroom, and your coffee cools until you just dump the pot into the sink.

"I know you probably want me to eat something," you say to the air. "It's Sunday, Tadashi. That was are breakfast date day every week. You would come over and make me pancakes or I would go over there and help you make French toast and eggs. Crazy how fast it all changed, huh?" You shake your head and crawl underneath your covers. You shut your eyes and don't open them again until noon, when your phone rings. You blindly run your hand across the blanket to find it. You check the caller ID. Honey Lemon. You answer it. "Hello?"

"Hi, ___," her sweet voice says. "How are you?"

"I'm. . ." You pause for a moment. How are you? Empty. Broken. Alone. Completely and absolutely void of any feelings except for longing. "I'm okay."

"That's good to hear," she says, even though it's not. "What are you doing right now?"

"I, uh, just got done, uh. . ." You search for an excuse. "Uh. . . cleaning up my bedroom. What are you doing?"

"I'm right outside of your house, actually," she says, "I made chili and thought that you'd maybe want to eat with me. It's kind of lonely down at my apartment, and I find it's easier to lift my spirits when I'm with a friend."

"Right," you say slowly with a shake of your head. "Alright, I'm unlocking the door." You hang up the phone and leave it behind on your bed. When you pull open your door, the sunshine from outside blinds you. Honey Lemon stands there with a covered dish and a basket of goodies. She smiles. "Come on in," you say.

She nods and steps inside, heading straight for your kitchen. "I dropped a couple bowls off for Hiro and Cass earlier, and then I gave one to Fred when I saw him there earlier. There's still more than enough for us, though." You force a smile and sit down on the couch. She pours the chili in the bowls and puts them in the microwave to heat up. As Honey Lemon brings them back, she takes note of what you're wearing. "Oh, ___. You're still wearing the dress."

You look down. You're still wearing your funeral dress. You don't even need to glance in the mirror to see how your hair looks. Self consciously, you pull his cardigan tighter around your shoulders. "Yeah, I've been sleeping a lot. I guess I forgot."

Her expression softens. "Well, at least you're getting some sleep, huh?" She hands you a bowl and takes a seat beside you. You stir the chili. The sight of the meat and beans floating in the thick broth makes your stomach flip. "You've been holding up okay, yeah?"

"As okay as I can," you reply solemnly. It's silent for a moment, until you say, "My mom wants me to move back home."

Honey Lemon drops her spoon into her bowl mid bite. "What?"

"My mom wants me to leave San Fransokyo," you clarify.

"Wow. Are you going to do it?" You shrug. "You have to tell Hiro."

"Hiro, why? We're not exactly on speaking terms right now, and besides, I don't have any place in that family now that T-Tadashi is gone," you say, setting your bowl down on the coffee table.

"You do have a place there," Honey Lemon says, "you have a place everywhere. With us, too. We all love you, ___. Tadashi loved you, so we-"

"Honey, please stop," you beg softly, pressing your fingers against your eyelids as if to block out the pain. "It hurts too much to talk about him right now."

"I'm sorry," she apologizes. "Hey, you know what will help you get your mind off of things? Makeup party!" she sings, opening her purse.

"No makeup parties," you say.

"Why not? They always cheer you up," she says.

"Not anymore," you say. She ignores it. "Honey Lemon-"

"What color lipstick would you like, pink or red? You know what, a shimmery light brown would look amazing on you-"

"Honey Lemon-"

"With a bit of blush-"

You shoot out of your seat. "What's the point?" you scream out.

Honey Lemon jumps. "What do you mean?"

"There's no point in makeup anymore! There's no point in doing my hair or dressing nice or eating healthy or talking! There's no point in living!" Your fists go to your hair. You yank it harshly as you cry out. "It's over! He's gone and nothing else matters!"

"___, you don't mean-"

"I do! He's gone, Honey, and I honestly don't care anymore." She stands up and reaches out for you. You step back and cross your arms. "I think you should go."

"Alright," she says sadly. She grabs her purse and frowns, "I'll leave the leftover chili for you. Please, ___, no matter what you think about yourself and your life now, please stay healthy. Live for him." You close your eyes. She waits a moment before heading out the door. Once she's gone, you drop to the floor and let all of your emotions out.