DEAD IN BED By Bailey Simms: The Complete Second Book

PART 10, AUTHOR'S NOTE - 2/10/15, 12:32pm

I still haven't told Kyle about what happened with the cop and the bath today.

Honestly, I don't know how I would tell him face to face, let alone how I'll ever explain everything just by tapping on the radiator.

The thing is, I guess I have to confess something. . .

I should start by saying that, for the first time, I'm wondering if maybe I made a big mistake by writing Dead in Bed the way I've written it. It's just SO full of graphic sex. And it's not just that it has lots of graphic scenes; it has so many intimate details.

And this is what worries me. I'm afraid the cop thinks I'm someone I'm not. I'm afraid he thinks I'm way more experienced than I actually am. I mean, it's true that the cop is a psycho freak. And I'm not so stupid to think that this whole thing is anyone's fault but his. It's just that I'm worried that he must think I've slept with lots of guys after reading my book. And after today, it's super obvious that he really wants to sleep with me. He claims that he's not going to force himself on me, but he seems to think that by pulling these bizarre, disgusting stunts, he can somehow turn me on and persuade me to want to sleep with him.

And that's never, EVER going to happen. 

Which is what scares me. Because if he thinks I sleep with lots of people all the time like the characters in my book, then the longer I don't sleep with him, he's only going to get more frustrated. And maybe more violent. And I'm terrified about what he might ultimately be willing to do to me, despite what he says now. Every time I even think about him knocking at the door next, I feel like throwing up.

The truth is, though, almost nothing that I know about sex comes from personal experience. I learned pretty much everything I know from my aunt Alicia. She's my dad's much, much younger sister. In fact she's only a few years older than I am. And I love her. She's awesome. When I was thirteen and my dad couldn't even bring himself to utter the word tampon, it was my aunt Alicia who taught me about menstruation and pretty much everything else. She let me ask her anything about boys, and she would always give me an honest answer. (Believe me, I had a lot of questions.) If you haven't guessed already, my dad pretty much hates her. He almost never used to let me see her. Especially after she scandalized our whole town when she got caught cheating on her husband, Shane, with my other aunt's husband, Ryan.

Noticing any parallels here? . . . Yeah. If you haven't figured it out by now, Ashley's character in Dead in Bed is based on my aunt Alicia. She even got Toxoplasmosis from her cat in real life, which is a big part of where my idea for Dead in Bed came from in the first place. But just about all of Ashley's graphic scenes are based on late-night conversations I've had with my aunt, and not on my own experiences.

So I guess here's where my confession comes in. I can't really put it off any longer, can I?

I'm still a virgin.

Kyle and I haven't slept together yet. I just haven't felt . . . ready. Partly I'm scared a little after what happened last year when I snuck out and, you know, did that thing to him that involves my mouth and his . . . you know. After that, he got so distant for a while that I'm afraid the same thing could happen if we went all the way and slept together, but maybe worse. (I haven't told him any of this.)

But if I'm really being honest with myself, a big part of my reluctance to sleep with him is my Huntington's. I can be pretty physically awkward sometimes. I mean, what if I wasn't able to move in the right way for him? What if my condition makes me look strange naked in a way that I'm not even aware of? What if all of this makes me really bad at having sex, and I just end up letting Kyle down?

The thing is, he's super sweet about it. I know that he's not a virgin. I know he slept with Megan, his ex-girlfriend before me. And I know that he really wants to sleep with me. But he's never, ever been pushy about it. He's always told me that it's okay if I'm not ready, and that there's no rush, and that he'll wait for me.

I miss him so much right now.

I just wish it wasn't so hard to tell him about what happened with the cop.

But I know what he would say. I mean, first, he would probably want to kill the cop, if he doesn't want to do that already. But beyond being infuriated and heartbreakingly frustrated, I know that he would also tell me to just write the sequel so we can get out of here as quickly as possible. 

And he'd probably be right...