Darkness Girl: Trickster God

Chapter Fifty-Eight: Strength of Conviction

In the back seat of Latimer's car, the sound of the engine was muffled to a barely audible hum. Regan sat next to Sarafina, leaving Forester in the front. She watched the traffic slip by slowly. Latimer was taking the drive carefully. She noticed that he'd already doubled back twice to make sure that no cars were following them. She looked down at the sword strapped to her waist. It had been so long since she'd had a real sword, it was like having a limb returned. 

She wasn't sure why Ashcroft had given the sword to her. On the morning of the operation, Ashcroft had called her into her office. When Regan arrived, the sword was resting on Ashcroft's desk. It was a short katana sheathed in a sleek, black scabbard. Even from a distance, Regan could tell that it was a perfectly crafted tool for killing. Ashcroft stood a little way from it, like she didn't want to get too close. It was as if she felt its very presence was capable of contaminating her. 

Regan looked from the sword to Ashcroft. 'That's not a protector's weapon.' 

'No.' 

'Where did you get it?' 

Ashcroft gently touched the ruined side of her face with her fingertips. For a moment, she looked like she was going to lose herself in her thoughts. 'I've hidden this away for over twenty years. I don't know why, but I was never able to destroy it.' 

'This was your weapon when you were a silencer?' 

'I don't know why I never let it go. Perhaps destroying it felt too much like trying to change the past.' 

'Would it have made a difference?' 

Ashcroft shook her head and looked out the window of her office. The sun was just starting to stream in and spill across the floor. 'I hope you understand someday, but I don't think you will.' 

'I understand sentimentality is a burden that silencers can't afford to carry.' 

When Ashcroft looked back, her eyes were hard. 'Don't place me in the same category as you.' 

Regan shrugged. 'You're still the same person as you were before. Somewhere inside, you still have the capacity to kill.' 

A brief flash of anger crossed Ashcroft's face, but it flared and died in an instant. When she looked across at the sword, her expression was sad. 'Perhaps I'm making a mistake.' 

'Perhaps you are. I didn't ask for a present.' 

Ashcroft was silent for a moment. She brushed some hair across her face to cover her scars. 'The thought of what's inside you leaves me feeling physically sick. When I talk to you, I see someone so twisted by evil that she's barely recognisable as human. I can't help but feel that there's something else though. I'm probably wrong, but in the absolute darkness I feel like I've seen the faintest hint of light.' 

Regan's laugh was harsh and unpleasant. 'Your guilt about your past has skewed your judgement. I'm not a mirror for your insecurities.' 

'Then why haven't you left already?' 

Regan gave Ashcroft an unfriendly stare. 'What?' 

'You treat everything Silverwater stands for with outright disdain, but your wounds are healed and no one has come looking for you. There's nothing keeping you here.' 

'What about you and your personal project to reform me?' 

'Could I stop you from leaving if you wanted to?' 

Regan clenched her fists. There was something self-satisfied about Ashcroft's tone that felt like a steel file being run up and down her spine. 'I stay here because I feel like it. Your little band of paper warriors is useful to me.' 

Ashcroft shook her head. 'You seem to wilfully push people away as if you're afraid that any kind of human emotion will weaken you, yet you seek out the company of people like Sarafina, whose life is centred around the people she loves.' 

'I owe her a debt.' 

'I don't think that's your reason. Perhaps what's happening to you is too complicated for you to see, but until you understand your own mind, that conflict will be your greatest weakness.' 

'And your sickening sentimentality is yours.' 

'It's that conflict I see in you that gives me the hope that you're not just a killer.' 

Regan was silent for a moment. She sighed and ran a hand through her hair. 'Don't make me your final act of absolution, Ashcroft. It won't go well for either of us.' 

'I heard about Kessler, you know. Latimer told me how she almost killed you.' 

'I was halfway there already. This time it will be different.' 

Ashcroft walked to the window and put her back to it. She leant back on the windowsill and rested her head against the glass. 'No, it won't.' 

'You've never seen her fight.' 

'I was a silencer for a lot longer than you. Don't take me for a fool.' 

'I have her measure now. I know how to read her.' 

Ashcroft shook her head. 'You rely too much on your craft.' 

'It's an edge that Kessler doesn't have.' 

'But she has focus!' Ashcroft's single eye was bright as she stepped forward and looked at Regan. 'Kessler has the conviction of a killer free from any kind of uncertainty. You can't copy that or imitate it. If you try, she'll kill you.' 

Regan crossed her arms. 'I know what I am.' 

Ashcroft was agitated now. She paced back and forward in front of her desk. 'You sound like you're trying to convince yourself of something you no longer believe to be true. As long as you remain conflicted, you'll never be able to match Kessler.' 

'Are you telling me that I need to become more focused on killing? I would drench myself in blood if I could see Kessler die.' 

'No. Revenge is a hollow motivation.' 

'It's the only one I have.' 

Ashcroft shrugged. 'Then you'll die.' 

'So ultimately, your advice is just telling me I'm going to lose?' 

Ashcroft gave Regan a warning expression. 'I never said I'd help you. You're not part of Silverwater and you're not even someone I trust. I'm telling you what I see; that's all. You need to find another way to fight Kessler.' 

'How?' 

'Find a reason to fight that extends beyond yourself. You're not a pure killer anymore. Maybe it's time you found something else to be.' 

'It's a pretty speech, but that's not how the real world works. A killer is a killer, regardless of their motivation.' Regan walked across the room and picked up the sword. It was perfectly balanced. 'I don't think I'll ever understand you Ashcroft.' 

Ashcroft looked away from Regan and walked back to her desk. 'There's a sword that kills and a sword that protects,' she said. 'That sword has only been a killer. Perhaps the two of you are suited to one another.'