The Fourth Fall (Sequel to Boy In My Class) Gerard Way

Chapter 5: Listen To Me

With shaking hands, I turned the key in the door and entered my tiny New York apartment. I threw my key down and sat on the sofa, vacant eyes staring at the wall as I tried to process what had just happened, or what could have happened. I closed my eyes and felt tears forming, but I held them back, swallowing hard to try and rid the lump in my throat that indicated how badly I wanted to cry. I felt out of this world, as if I were in some kind of lucid dream. I heard the coffee machine gurgling in the distance and I immediately came crashing back to reality as I knew Gerard was here. I felt a shadow cover me and I looked upright to see Gerard looming above, holding two cigarettes in his hand, a weak smile on his face. I stood upright and led him to the tiny balcony where we could smoke. I lit my cigarette and inhaled, my vacant stare continuing as I gazed at the wall of the building opposite mine. The streets below were unusually quiet this night.

We said nothing as we smoked, and yet it wasn't awkward. There was something peaceful and calming about how we smoked together and didn't look at one another. It felt safe. After what seemed like hours, he cleared his throat and spoke.

"I don't want to leave you tonight."

I turned to face him and saw how concerned he looked. His eyes looked sad but attentive and I could see they were darting back and forth as he analyzed my face.

"You don't have to stay," I said, so quietly that it barely came out a whisper.

"I need to apologize," he continued, leaning on the balcony and staring at the building opposite ours. "I was so rude to you earlier, I just wanted to distance myself because if I didn't do that, then fuck knows what I would have done. I would have had a breakdown or something."

He looked down at the streets and cracked a smile.

"Do you remember that game we used to play at NYU?" he said. "Where we would sit and watch people from Starbucks and try and guess their stories?"

I nodded gently. 

"This guy," he said, pointing down to a man who lay drunk in the alleyway. "Crack addict?"

"Oh definitely," I said. "But I already know that because I see him smoking crack every morning before I go to work."

He let out a small giggle and I couldn't help but smile despite the horrific circumstances of my evening. 

"Izzy," he said, turning to me. He walked close and rested his hands on my hips, and pressed his forehead against mine. His eyes were closed and I could feel his heavy breathing and unusually quick heartbeat. "I never meant to be so rude."

"You weren't rude," I said through closed eyes as I tried to savour every moment of him being close to me. "You were practical. I should have signed those divorce papers four years ago."

"I never married you with the intent to divorce you," he said, and I felt a tear fall from his eye and land on my cheek, making me feel like I was in intense pain. My heart was physically hurting at the thought of him crying. "I wanted us to last forever."

"I had no concept of compromise," I said, the lump in my throat returning as I tried not to cry. "I should have known that I was too young to want children, but that I eventually would. I thought I wanted to work on my career, but I have my perfect career now and I'm just...bored of it. It wasn't what I imagined from my life. I only ever imagined you."

He opened his eyes and tilted my chin up with his hand so that we were looking into each others eyes, our faces inches apart. I have never in my life wanted to kiss anybody as much as I did in this moment.

"Listen to me," he said. "Because this is fucking important."

I nodded and tried not to freak out at what he could possibly want to say.

"I have a girlfriend," he said. "And she's awesome, I mean she's a fucking amazing woman and she takes care of me and she helped me through a lot of shit. She's like a best friend but that's what the problem is- I see her as a friend. I kiss her and it feels...awkward. I want to hang out with her and fucking hell, she is an amazing musician and an amazing artist. But I don't want to kiss her. I don't want to marry her and when I'm with her and we talk about the future, I don't get the desire to think about children, not like I did with you. But...I don't cheat. I never will, it's just not moral."

He sighed and moved away from me, his hands lingering on my hips a few moments longer before he let go and turned to lean on the balcony again.

"We're going on tour again soon, for the new album. We'll be in the States for a month and then we'll be heading to the UK. On the eighth of January, we will be playing a show in Jersey. Meet me at our house, at 11pm."

"Why?" I asked abruptly, completely unable to comprehend what was going through his mind.

"You'll see," he said. He smiled to himself as he looked down at the crack addict who was now vomiting all over the pavement. "Get some sleep tonight, I'll sleep on the sofa to make sure you're okay and that you're safe. Tomorrow I'm gonna take that scum's ID card and give it to the police, and make sure he gets sent down. I'll be gone by the time you wake up, but I won't be able to sleep tonight thinking about what I saw today. I need to make sure you'll be okay."