Beautiful Pain

Chapter 12

Novalee

     It's been a month since Deacon saved me. We have settled into a pretty smooth routine, every day we make breakfast together and he teaches me something new. Then if he has to run the kitchen that day, he has a quick work out and then showers and heads off while I work online to finish up my diploma. If it's his day off, we usually go out and he shows me around Denver. So far the Aquarium is my favorite, we've gone three times just so I can marvel at the mermaids and the giant shark tank.

     Marcie has taken me out for girl time every weekend, but I still haven't talked to her about how I feel about Deacon. I don't know if I'm afraid she'll be angry or nervous that she'll laugh, but either way something is holding me back.

     In the last month I have woken up to a panic attack thirteen times. Almost every time is the same, I wake up and where Deacon is standing I'll instead see my father. Every time it happens he holds me and strokes my back until I calm. Every time I feel awful. I hate that I'm like this, and I hate that I'm causing him more stress than anything else. Especially since he has made my life so much better.

All I want to do is be normal. I want to be able to sleep without waking up screaming, I want to be able to make eye contact with the people I meet when I'm out and not break out in a sweat. I want to be able to have sex with my mate and not have a panic attack. We haven't gone any farther than kissing because every time one of us tries to go a step further, my entire body shuts down. I just want to be normal.

As I'm washing the dishes from breakfast, a knock sounds at the front door. I sigh and shake off my melancholy thoughts while drying my hands on a towel. Marcie stands on the other side of the door with a large white pastry box in her hands.

"Hi sweetie! I brought cupcakes, to soften the surprise of my surprise visit." She announces with a smile.

I chuckle and open the door wider for her to come in. She puts the now open box onto the coffee table and plops down onto the couch, curling her legs under her body. For a woman who must be getting close to fifty, if not already there, she sure does act like a teenager.

"Hey Marcie." I sigh and settle next to her, picking at a chocolate fudge cupcake.

"What's wrong, Nova? You seem sad." Her face softens, and I can see her slipping into her mom mode.

"Everything. I'm just dealing with all the fall out from finally getting away from my dad, and it's a bit harder to transition than I thought. And then there's all these things about Deacon and I just don't know how to sort through everything." She lays a hand on my shoulder and rubs my arm soothingly.

"It's ok honey. Start at the beginning, lay it all on me and I'll see how I can help." Marcie grabs a cupcake and turns to face me with a look of serious concentration. I take a deep breath, and after a brief deliberation, decide to go for it and spill everything.

***

Deacon

     After accepting and sorting out the wine delivery for the restaurant, I head back home. Nova has been frustrated lately, she's been having a lot of nightmares and I know she thinks they bother me. They do, but not in the way she thinks. It just upsets me to see her so terrified. My mother the shrink says they'll pass given time for her to heal and come to terms with her past, but that healing can't come soon enough.

     On the way home I stop off at the store and pick up some mint chocolate chip ice cream and a bouquet of orange, pink, and yellow tiger lilies. Both are her favorites and I hope they can bring a smile to her face. I quickly get through check out and hurry home and see my mothers car parked in the driveway. I pull in to the garage and enter into the kitchen.

     I can hear my mother and Nova talking in the living room, and I realize they didn't hear me open the garage and come in. They must be having a good time. Just as I'm about to announce my presence, Nova's words ring into my ears, shocking me into immobility.

"I love him. At least I think I do? I don't know how to tell if it's him or if it's just my stupid girl hormones with a knight in shining armor complex." She sounds unsure and tortured, but hearing the words 'I love him' plasters a giant, goofy smile on my face. 

"Ok, so let's talk about that for a minute." My mother is using the same voice she used to use on me when I would get into fights with my friends and ask her for help. "For starters, how does he make you feel?"

"Safe." The word bursts forth immediately, and my chest swells with pride. "Happy, worthwhile, vulnerable but not in a bad way."

"Ok, now what are some things that you like about him?"

"He's funny, smart, caring. When he cooks with me, he's always patient even when I mess up a technique a million times. And when he's concentrating on something he has this habit of chewing on his bottom lip, it's the cutest thing I've ever seen. When he gets embarrassed he blushes and if I'm close enough to him, he'll hug me and bury his face in my neck so I can't see. He goes out of his way to make sure I get to try all of the things I've been missing out on for the last ten years, and he never lets me feel ignored. Even if his focus is on driving or cooking or someone else, he is always touching me or kissing me so I know that he's thinking about me. And he always holds me when I'm scared. Always. Even when it's three o'clock in the morning and he's just gotten home from work, he will sit up and rock me for hours until I feel better and never once complain." She trails off into a whisper and I almost feel bad for eavesdropping, but then I can't because her words have made me feel incredible. Invincible. Like I'm flying to the moon.

"Now do I really need to explain how those feelings aren't hormone induced after that long winded list of likable traits and actions?" I can hear the teasing in my mothers voice and I know that their serious conversation is coming to a close.

     I quickly pull out my phone and shoot my father a quick text to meet me tomorrow, and then walk into the living room. Nova's laughing face jumps straight to mine and her eyes widen in surprise as I make my way to her, ignoring my mothers smirking face as she slips by me to the door.

     I fall to my knees in front of Nova so we are at an even height and gently take her face in my hands and kiss her with everything I have, making her yelp in surprise. At first she's stiff and unyielding, but as I nip her bottom lip she softens and wraps her hands into my hair, pressing our bodies closer together.

     After another minute, I pull away and look into her eyes. The pupils are dilated and there's an almost feral look lurking in their blue depths. It makes me smile that I put that look there.

"I love you to, Novalee." I whisper against her lips, and feel her smile in answer.