Chapter Forty-One: Know Who You Are

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TW? for depression, mentions of suicide, and rape(kinda)?
To anyone who cares, until school is out, I don't have anytime to draw. So have more Moana.
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I can't feel anything.
All I can feel is the constant darkness that surrounds me, that tortures me.
A deep, dark abyss that I can't escape no matter how hard I try.

That's not even the worst part.
Hershel is lying to Miracle.
He's making her work for somebody who's already dead.

Harper stands by idly, letting her father use Miracle like some kind of slave.
Thinking about it makes me sick.
Sicker than I already am.

I want nothing more than to die.
I lived for her.
She was my everything and now, she's gone.

I can't eat.
I don't eat in the hopes that I'll die from starvation.
But Leafeon don't work like that.
We feed off of the sunlight and photosynthesis gives us our energy; gives us our life.
Even in these dark and ruined stables, light still finds it's way through.

My sleep is plagued by nightmares.
Every night, it's the same thing.
They're all about her.
I refuse to sleep.
I stay up all night, lost in my thoughts.
But, I'm never tired.
I never get tired.
I wish I did.

If I could get tired, I could forget about everything.
Even if it was only for a second.
A second of relief from the pain.
A second of forgetting.
Forgetting who?
I want to forget Kapua the most.

That child.
Her child.

I can't look at him.
Because all I see is her.
I resent him because of this, for something that's not his fault.

I should love him.
I promised her I would take care of him.
Isabelle won't stop telling me this; it's like she thinks I don't know.
But, I don't blame her.

She's broken.
I never thought someone as brilliant as her could fall so hard.
I always thought she was a stone tower, strong, impenetrable.
But she crumbled under the weight of grief.
Of course, it's not obvious grief.
It's the quiet kind that you keep to yourself.

It's strange.
When she speaks of her mother, she shows little to no sadness.

It's like she doesn't care about her mother in the slightest.
Yet, she still sent her away.
She said that Pokémon, no matter who they are, deserve a punishment for harming or taking the life of another.

If Isa hadn't chased her away, would she still be alive?

I like to think that she would be.
I like to think that all of this is just one big, unending nightmare.
But then, I remember that the world doesn't work like that, and you just have to live with the pain.

I wish I could run away from it.
'Think about something happy' I say to myself.

The only happy thoughts I have are the ones with her.
She said to remember all the good times we had.
All the good times we'll never have again.

If only....If only it could've been me.
I have no place in this world.
My Clan hates me.

She had a family that cared for her.
She had so many dreams she wanted to come true.
She meant something to everyone.
Her smile really could light up a room; I bet even WaveClan would finally feel the sun's light-

"It truly is a tragedy."

The voice rips through my thoughts and fills my body with fear.

My head whips around.

Father.

His voice is full of mockery.
Of pride and triumph.

My blood turns to ice in just a split second.
I've never heard him sound so ecstatic.

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