Read My Shorts

Five Bullets

As the mountain of a man that was the family's bodyguard moved aside to let me in, I wiped my sweating hands on my trousers. My last meeting here had not been a pleasant one and I had no wish to return. But you did not refuse an invite to Don Luis' house no matter how bad you thought the wallpaper was.

"The dead guy's in the library." I was surprised the ape in the smart suit knew what a library was but he wasn't exactly known for his tact and diplomacy, and I wasn't about to argue with a guy who could squash me flat with one hand. 

The ape was right though, Dr. Black was sprawled across the marble fireplace, with Don Luis standing over him. Cause of death: gunshot wound to the head. Murder weapon: revolver. Location of weapon: Don Luis' hand. Case closed. What worried me more though was that I was probably next...

The ape cleared his throat. "Mr. Falcon to see you, Don Luis."

As the head of the family turned to face me, he smiled broadly, put the gun in his pocket, and held a hand out in greeting, grasping my sweaty paw with his own.

"Welcome Max, welcome."

"Thank you, Don Luis. I was worried for a moment that you might hold the incident at The Groaning Moose against me."

Dear God what a mess that had been. Three of his men dead with the cops crawling all over the joint. We'd gotten away with most of the money but the Don had not been a happy man. And an unhappy Don made for a very nervous private investigator, namely me. I'd always thought the Moose was an awful pub.

"Nonsense Max, I'm always happy to give people a second chance."

Looking down at the rapidly cooling body of Dr. Black, I assumed people didn't get a third. Time to get the hell out while the going was good.

"So assuming you don't want me to ask Dr. Black any questions, you want me to stop cluttering up your library?"

"Ah Max, always the kidder eh?" Don Luis slapped me gently on the cheek and put a meaty arm around my shoulders, leading me away as the ape picked up the dead guy. He smelled of sweat and lavender, not a good combination at the best of times and the added scent of gunpowder did little to settle my nerves.

"I have a little problem I'd like you to help me with Max. The recent demise of Dr. Black has left me bereft of a translator. You see, the good doctor was the only one who could speak to my accountant, Mr. Green. Now, I suspect Mr. Green has been in cahoots with Dr. Black for some time and has been embezzling funds, but we need your help talking to him."

"I'm afraid my French is a little rusty Don Luis..."

The deep rumble that passed for laughter stopped us for a moment as the Don wheezed through his humour. "Ah Max, you kill me, but I'm afraid it is not your limited Franglais I have need of at present. I understand you grew up with a deaf brother who is sadly no longer with us. I need your hands Max, your hands."

We entered the study at the back of the house to find a skinny-looking middle-aged man strapped to a chair. His eyes were wide with terror and he moaned into a filthy gag.

"Although I wouldn't want to question your methods Don Luis, if the man can't speak, why the gag?"

"It heightens the terror Max, we strive to create an atmosphere you know, we are professionals after all. 

"Now, your task is to try and get the information out of Mr. Green here. I know there's about two million missing. Dr. Black confirmed that much, but what I don't know is where the money is. Understand?"

Great, so I get the guy who can't talk, to talk, simple. Sometimes I think my mom's suggestion of joining cousin Vinnie as a fishmonger may not have been such a bad idea. Shame I'm allergic to shellfish.

"Okay. Let's give this a go...Hi."

Surprising what a simple 'hi' can do sometimes. The guy in the chair reacted violently to my signing, thrashing around and waving his arms repeatedly signing 'not me, I didn't do it.'"

"What did he say?" The Don was looking at Mr. Green like a shark might look at a nice juicy tuna and I had to repress a shudder. This was not going to end well, Mexico was suddenly looking very attractive.

"He said he didn't do it."

The Don approached and looked deep into the man's eyes, grabbing his jaw with a powerful hand. "Tell him if he doesn't tell me where the money is I'll have him taken outside, his kneecaps blown off and a bullet put through both eyes before I kill him. Johnny!"

The Ape walked through the study with a long bag over one shoulder, glowering menacingly at Green. I was in too deep. I shoulda run to Mexico when I had the chance. But I had no choice now. I relayed the message.

Green stared with hate-filled eyes at Don Luis, then his eyes flicked to mine in defeat. His fingers flickered and a small bloom of hope lit in my chest.

"What did he say?" growled the Don.

I licked dry lips. "He said 'go to hell'". Green thrashed and buckled in the chair, straining against the bonds holding him and moaning deeply.

A revolver appeared in the Don's hand and rested against Green's temple and he pulled the gag away from his mouth as the man stilled at the touch of metal. "Tell him to say it again."

A gob of spittle hit the Don in the face.

"I suspect he may be able to lipread..."

There are times I suspect I need to rein in my so-called sense of humour and as the Don glared at me I realised that this was one of them. My eyes hit the floor.

"Mr. O'Hanlon, please take Mr. Green outside."

Green's hands flickered at me as the ape lifted him bodily from his chair. The Don's eyes met mine in question.

"He said 'you're making a mistake.'"

"The mistake has already been made," stated Don Luis, his eyes hard and his voice flat with anger. He stalked from the room as the muffled cries of Green disappeared into the distance. Seconds later five shots sounded from outside: two knees, two eyes, one shot to the head... "

-

I was sweating again despite the chill of the night. Clear moonlight bathed the trees, and cold terror wetted my brow and dried my mouth. But several million dollars lay in easy reach. Shovel in hand I drifted through the shadows of the grounds of Don Luis' sumptuous gardens to the old boathouse.

I dug for some time, swiftly in the freshly turned earth, but quietly as befitted my terror. As the shovel hit something wooden with a soft thud, the barrel of a gun pressed into my temple. "I believe you may have underestimated me."

"I..."

Don Luis' voice could have crushed stone with its menace. "I think you've said enough for now Mr. Falcon, time to listen. You see, I always give people a second chance, but never a third. You saw Dr. Black. He had the chance to tell me what had happened to the funds but he decided not to and blamed the poor deaf accountant."

The poor deaf accountant stepped out from the shadows. "This is my half-brother Alphonse, Mr. Falcon. He has been deaf since he was a child but is very good with numbers. He favours the number five...

"You had the chance to redeem yourself Mr. Falcon but you failed. All you had to do was tell me what 'Mr. Green' here had said to you, but instead, you chose to lie, drop him in the proverbial coffin and take the fictitious money. I too can read sign Mr. Falcon; you have failed the test set before you and have made your final mistake in my employ.

"Congratulations Mr. Falcon, you have quite literally dug your own grave."

Moonlight glinted off the barrel of the gun: Don Luis in the garden, with the revolver. Case closed.

Five bullets: two knees, two eyes, one shot to the head...