Unsteady | Sterek

Nine: Mother, I know

As soon as the name leaves his lips, Isaac is gone. Stiles watches him go sadly, knowing he caused this, this is his fault.

"Where's that spark, Stiles?"

He wishes he could take away his hearing again because it sounds like her, it looks like her, but it isn't her. She laughs and he groans, chills digging into his skin.

"What's going on Stiles?" Scott asks, confused. Stiles shakes his head, wishing it would go away.

"It's back in my head," he wheezes, and he's shaking, shaking, shaking until-

-A warm body clashes with his cold one and he hears someone hiss but whoever is hugging him is warm so Stiles closes his eyes and he breathes. With each exhale, he pushes away the panic, with each inhale, that delicious warmth.

"You're skinny," Derek says.

Stiles snorts. "Never took you for a hugger." Nobody misses the change of topic.

Derek huffs and Stiles feels the warm air brush over his skin. He shivers. "Shut it, Stilinski," Derek says but it lacks its usual threatening tone.

"Stiles," Scott says hesitantly. "I need to know everything that's been happening."

Stiles takes a deep breath and pulls away from Derek, feeling warm and fuzzy. He's got to be dying, he thinks, because there's no way Derek has him feeling like a teenage girl.

Stiles faces the Pack, the familiar fear welling up in his chest, ready to devour him. It's the same fear that captures him when he's at home, the same fear that he embraced and danced with. He tries to push it away but he can feel it, sitting just inside the shadows.

"I just thought it was guilt," he begins, realising he's finally going to tell everyone everything. The thought makes him uncomfortable. "I, uh, I got nightmares. Not usually scream-inducing, just frightening enough to wake me up. Mainly, it was about my time with the Nogitsune in my head." He pauses, curling in on himself. He's too skinny, he notes. He can feel his ribs.

"Stiles, you could have told us," Scott interjects.

Stiles laughs hollowly. "I'd just killed Allison and Aiden. I'm not going to raise concern over a little PTSD."

"This is more than a little," Lydia says.

"Keep going," Derek says gruffly.

"Um. I stopped eating regularly, I kept thinking about how Allison was dead. It was just grief and guilt. Then I stopped sleeping. I'm petrified to fall asleep because I don't know when I'll wake up. I don't know if I will wake up. It's like the Nogitsune all over again." Stiles feels his breath catch in his throat. "It is the Nogitsune all over again. I-I have blackouts, I hallucinate, I sleep walk and wake up in the middle of nowhere. My body takes me wandering at midnight and I'm just so broken and I-"

Derek steps back as Stiles makes himself smaller, his breathing picking up. He doesn't want to talk about this, he doesn't even know what to say. How do you tell someone that the world is wrong and everything is wrong and he's going insane?

Stiles sucks in a breath. "Everyone hates me," he whispers. "It's bad enough I was going crazy but I'm alone too."

"You're not alone in this." Lydia's voice is tight and it aggravates something in his chest.

"Who would I have gone to?" He asks hotly. "I couldn't talk to you, Derek wouldn't give a crap, Dad-" his voice breaks. "-Dad's got enough on his mind."

"Stiles-" Scott begins.

"I had nobody and I started overthinking, I didn't know what was real, and I was waiting for something. Panic attacks became an everyday occurrence and then the night Isaac came to check on me was the first night I saw her."

"Allison?" Scott clarifies and there is so much pain in his voice that Stiles nearly cries.

"But it's not Allison. It is, but it isn't. It looks like her, it sounds like her, but it can't be her. It's the Nogitsune, it has to be. It's back and it's in my head and I'm going to kill someone again and oh my god, I can't breathe!"

Stiles stands up, his eyes wild, his breathing crazy. There are voices and hands but all he can focus on is that single, crystal clear laugh that weaves its way into his heart and squeezes until something bursts and he tumbles into the black pit that waits to swallow him whole.