Crazed Minds | ✔️

nineteen

"Where's my mind?"
-bellyache, Billie Eilish
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None of us speak for the first ten minutes or so raking leaves. Mr Jefferson's words are clouding all of our minds, and it has certainly put an invisible barrier between all of us.

They know. I rake harder, scraping the dead leaves with as much power as I can muster. Alec and Jasper know what I did. The leaves keep getting stuck in between the blades of grass. They know about the voices. About what they can do. The leaves just aren't budging so I practically spear the ground with my rake. What if they hate me? Or worse. What if Alec and Jasper are afraid of me?

I throw the rake across the grass, watching as it plummets into the edge of the woods. Jasper and Alec both stop what they're doing as I sit abruptly onto the ground, nuzzling my head into my knees and gripping my legs to my chest. Jasper drops his rake and sits beside me, putting his hand onto my shoulder reassuringly. Alec bends down and crouches in front of me, hands clasped together.

"Olivia? Are you okay?" Jasper asks soothingly. And not even his soft voice and warm hands can make me feel any less afraid than I am now.

I shake my head without looking up.

I feel Alec's hand on my knee, and his calm voice following the gesture, "Liv. What you heard about me and Jasper...is that upsetting you?"

I don't mention that I already knew what Jasper did before Mr Jefferson mentioned it, and instead lift my head. Alec's story didn't bother me either, as horrible as it sounds. Because in those big brown eyes, I can see guilt.

I share gazes with both of them. "What you both did, it didn't frighten me. Heck, it didn't even make me flinch. But you heard what I did. And I can't bare for either of you to see me as that girl. The girl that killed her best friend."

The sky is darkening, and every second they both watch me with their curious eyes sets me further on edge.

"I don't see you any differently. I'm sure Alec doesn't either," Jasper murmurs, shooting Alec a quick glare.

"The voices," Alec starts. "What are they?"

I clear my throat and stand up, brushing myself off and swapping looks with them both. Alec shoves his hands into his trouser pockets while Jasper picks up his rake and rests his chin on the handle.

"When the car crashed, I hit my head against the dash. Ever since then, there has been these voices in my head. They input in conversations I'm having, they make comments about people I'm talking to, or things I'm thinking about. I ignore them mostly, because I've just learnt to deal with them."

They remain silent, leaning in intensely, drinking in each word.

"But one night, there was a charity event at my school. I went outside for some air, when all the voices started speaking at once. It felt like my head was exploding," I murmur, swallowing nervously. "Then it was like they took control over me, like Olivia was gone and all that was left was these voices. Without knowing what I was doing, I started spreading gasoline that I found in the janitor's closet around school. I found a match, and I set the school on fire. My best friend went back in for me, but she...she died. No one believed me when I told them about the voices. They just thought I was crazy. Which I guess I am."

There's a long moment of silence, where neither of them know quite what to say. How can anyone be expected to respond to that anyway? What if they don't believe me? Like everyone else. Like the therapist and my parents and friends.

"I believe you," Alec says all of a sudden.

"Me too," Jasper adds.

I retake. "You do?"

They both nod. "Look, you heard what Mr Jefferson was saying about me and Alec. You know about the horrible things that we've done. We have no place to call you a liar. Because everyone called us liars too," Jasper says slowly.

I smile weakly down at my feet.

"Wow, we're psychopaths and liars," Alec mumbles in disbelief, making Jasper and I chuckle.

"Don't forget that me and Jasper are also cat-murderers," I point out.

"But we also make great gardeners," Jasper says, and we can't help but laugh.

I mean, we may have more issues than fingers to count them on, but we're also teenagers. Believe it or not, we like to laugh.