A Day at the Races

Lover or Friend

Freddie laid there beside Mary in their hotel bed. He just stared at her as she fought sleep. His chocolate brown eyes met hers as his fingers intertwined with hers on the mattress. “When do you think it happened?” he asked her softly. Mary shook her head.

 “Well, obviously about nine weeks ago…that’s…that’s the last time you and I…” Mary stopped and looked at Freddie. He closed his eyes for a moment, swallowing hard. There was one lamp turned on in their hotel room as the two of them talked. Ellie and Grisham Campbell had done a magnificent job at booking a quiet and clean hotel for the night despite being away from access to the five star hotels.

 “Mary I…I’ve been…he’s…” Freddie put his head in his hands.

 “I know, Freddie. I know.” They were silent for a moment as Freddie fought the tears. He wasn’t even sure why he was crying at this point. Perhaps it was exhaustion or all the events of the evening or none of those. Hell he didn’t know why.

 “I met him in Germany.” Freddie confessed.

 “That’s what I figured, judgin’ by our phone bill as of late.” Mary confronted him. Freddie looked to her with a worried expression on his face.

 “If…if you would have…” he paused and breathed deeply. “…if you would have had it…I would have been here for you and for the…”

 “Freddie, don’t. Don’t say that.” Mary closed her eyes and breathed deeply, pushing herself to her side. “Don’t say that…” she repeated. They were silent again as Freddie sniffed a few times. “Look, I…” Freddie interrupted her.

 “His name is Karl. I met him after a show in Germany. He…he’s very kind and…I…I told him about you and how much I love you and…” Freddie’s vulnerability was shining completely through his charismatic exterior. “…I kissed him…didn’t go any further…it could have…but…oh my god Mary I’m so damn conflicted…” Freddie buried his hands into his hands.

 “Fred, I need to you to listen to me for a minute. Just…just for a minute I need you to make this about me and what I’m goin’ through right now. Everything is hitting me at once here and…and I realize it is for you as well. But…just for a moment, I need for you to listen to me and hear me…” Mary begged of him as she fiddled with the lid of the pudding cup lying hear her right hand. Freddie had attempted to get her to eat earlier but she hadn’t yet completely regained an appetite. She blinked and began to talk. “Look, I just miscarried a baby that I didn’t even know I had and of course we both know that it was yours. Let’s be honest for a moment…we weren’t trying and I am not entirely sure how I even got pregnant because we’re protected. Freddie, you know I wouldn’t have been exactly thrilled about being pregnant. It’s just…it’s not something in the plan right now. But…I lost it and I need to know how you feel about knowing I was pregnant and the fact that I did lose it…if you know. That’s the first part.” Mary looked to Freddie whose face was streaked with his own tears.

 “I have no idea how I feel about it, Mary. It’s so very shocking and I can’t imagine the trauma you’ve been through in the past few hours. I look at John and Veronica and I wonder how the fuck they do it. It’s…it’s too much. I’m not ready…to be a father, Mary…you and I…we…are not ready to be parents. I don’t know how those two keep their composure and…and their sanity. It’s such a grand responsibility…a beautiful one…but a grand one. I just…we…need to be more careful.” Freddie admitted candidly. “It’s not that…not that I never want children. I do…someday.”

 “That’s not really what this talk is about, Fred. I need to know where it is I fit into your life. The second part is that. I give you my blessing to see this….Karl or talk to him as much as you…”