Jungkook: The Friendly Ghost

16. For What It's Worth

I wish memory blanks can happen in real life as they happen in the movies. I would give everything I have to wake up with absolutely no recollection of what had happened in the last 24 hours of my life, at the very least. I would be perfectly fine with completely erasing the last... 5, maybe 6 years but I'm not that greedy; the last 24 hours can do just fine.

I'd give it all for a chance to not know, to not have this, all of this, happening to me.

Sadly, I do remember. I remember the amount of vodka I drowned myself in. Hangovers avoid me and while by some miracle I don't have a headache, I can practically still taste the alcohol on my tongue.

I remember Namjoon's words all too well; I remember the ease in which he ended something that wasn't supposed to end.

And I remember how I cried. How Jungkook let me cry and how he held me until I calmed down.

Crying on Jungkook's shoulder was pretty much the last thing I wanted to do, having a whole list of reasons as to why that was a bad idea.

But just as I can't erase the last 24 hours, I can't take back the things I said and did. And now, when I finally open my eyes, I know why he looks at me the way he does.

He's lying on the bed next to me; I must have fallen asleep mid-sob, while he was still trying to calm me down. He's fully awake; for a moment, I forgot that he actually can't sleep. His eyes are on me, scanning my face, looking for any signs of me bursting into tears. Or perhaps, he's looking for the damage last night had left.

I always look like shit in the mornings but I imagine that today I'm a special form of horrible.

"I'm sorry," I tell him, my voice sounding as if I'm changing genders and speaking from the bottom of a barrel; I guess that's what hours of crying and an hour or two of sleep does to you.

"Why are you saying you're sorry?" Jungkook frowns, his eyes still scanning my face.

"For the way I acted yesterday, for all of it," I sigh, knowing the list is far too long for me to apologize for every individual thing. His gaze becomes slightly uncomfortable and unable to hold it, I look away from him; only to see traces of last night, in thin white lines of salt on his shirt, where my tears cried while he hugged me as I cried. "And for ruining your shirt," I add.

"It's just a shirt," he chuckles. "No one other than you and me will see it. And as far as everything else goes, there's really nothing to feel sorry for."

"I can try finding you one of Hobi's shirts?" I offer.

"Huh. And how exactly do you plan on explaining a levitating shirt to him?" he raises his eyebrows.

"Oh," I realize how stupid my idea actually was. "I sometimes forget that I'm the only one that can see you. Weird, isn't it?" I chuckle.

"Not really," he shakes his head. "I'm always aware that you are the only one that can see me but the more time passes, the less I think about others. I don't know, I guess you're enough."

At least I'm enough for somebody.

And just like that, Namjoon comes to my mind again.

"You were right all along," I sigh, looking away from him. "And I knew it too. Deep down, I knew it too, why else would have been so defensive? I knew it was heading towards the finish line but I didn't expect it to get there so abruptly. I thought he'd be a bigger man but you really were right."

"For what it's worth, I really hoped that I was wrong."

I didn't see that. Jungkook... he has a sharp tongue, he always speaks his mind and his lack of filter probably clouded his intentions, making them unable for me to see them clearly. I thought he was having his fun, watching a proper drama with no commercial breaks. I didn't even stop to think that he might actually be worried about the outcome.