Fire and Ice

amanda

I barely listen to Sarah as she goes on and on about some kind of guy who asked for her number last week— in all honestly, I could care less. I'm too busy looking out the window and thinking. Not like Sarah notices anyway, she just keeps on talking. Jane would have stopped her story to ask me what was wrong— she always knew when something is wrong. She would cradle me in her arms and run her hands trough my hair that brings me comfort, and then tell me one of lame jokes that no matter how many times I roll my eyes at her for it, I always love to hear it either way.

The events this morning at the bus stop replay through my mind on repeat. Jane was there for the first time in a long time, and I'm not complaining, but why was she there in the first place? Obviously not to see me, she didn't even want to look my way let alone talk to me. I did want to say something to her. Anything to force her to speak to me. I almost touched her shoulder and went for it, that is, until Sarah showed up. Don't get me wrong, she's sweet and all, but our friendship is anything but personal.

Deep down I believe Sarah, and also Rebecca, only want to be friends with me because of my popularity. I'm on the same level as they are, therefore I am worthy enough. If you aren't well known throughout school, Sarah and Rebecca won't even give you a first glance. I can't describe how unfair that is, but I don't have anyone else and I'd be lying if I said I hated their company for the most part.

Jane on the other hand, wouldn't use me like that. She and I were friends long before I suddenly became popular— Jane was the only one who actually cared about me. She was my best friend, and now I've lost her for good I'm afraid. I want to become friends again more than anything, but I don't know if she feels the same way. Jane seems to despise me, so I don't know why I haven't moved on yet.

Plus, if I did get a chance to talk to her what would I even say? She probably already forgot about me, I'm sure of it. I bet in her mind, I'm a good-for-nothing self centered popular girl. Who am I kidding, she doesn't care about me anymore; but she's my other half, I can't lose her.

"—Amanda!" Sarah shakes my shoulders.

I finally look towards her. "What?"

She frowns. "Were you even listening to me? Never mind," she shakes her head, "we're here."

"Where?" I ask dumbly, completely out of it.

Sarah scrunches up her nose as if that was the most bizarre thing I've ever said. "Uh, school."

"Oh okay," I reply rather slowly.

I have no idea what's gotten into me— it must be because of Jane. Without allowing my mind to drift to that part of my memory I shake my head and sling my hot pink backpack over my shoulder following Sarah out of the bus.

I could feel Sarah's gaze burning through me. "Do you need some coffee?"

I shake my head again. No I don't want coffee, I want Jane.

"You sure?" She asked again clearly not understanding the first time I declined.

When I didn't say anything she continued.

"Anyway as I was saying— Rebecca over here!" Sarah waved over her cheerleader best friend who was coming around the corner.

She smiled when she saw us and quickened her pace.

I look past Rebecca and watch Jane and Zeke coming from the bus. Jane avoids my gaze and Zeke travels closely behind with a hand touching Jane's lower back. In this situation it felt like Jane was the movie start, Zeke the body guard, and I the crazed fan who never gets the chance to speak to her. I sigh heavily wishing it wasn't this way, but there isn't anything I can do at this point— not when Jane is blunting ignoring me.