Three Wishes

My Life as an In the Closet Boy Scout

I totally realized that I should have gone more into detail about this because honestly, Scouting was everything to me. To be frank, it still means a lot to me but now that I've had my distance from it my perspective has changed.

My scouting journey began when I was in kindergarten. My parents thought it'd be a good idea to have more masculine influences in my life. Even then I was a girl magnet so I didn't hang out with guys much.

Strolling into Cub Scout pack 224 I was ushered into a room with a bunch of other boys our age. That night's topic was Sharks, at the time sharks scared the shit out of me so I was not having it.

Scoutmaster: "Draw your favorite shark."

Me: *Raises hand*

Scoutmaster: "Yes Ryan?" I would like you all to know that I knew my parents wanted me to join scouting because I needed more guy friends in my life but I'll be damned if I have to draw the straight versions of dolphins!

Me: "What if you don't like sharks?"

Scoutmaster: "Uh...then you can draw whatever you want."

Me: "Cool."

At this point I was the center of all the kids' attention cause they were just like 'oh shit, what's he gonna draw?!'

So I proceeded to draw what I liked: witches on broomsticks. Although I now hate dolphins and love sharks my love for witches and their pets flying on broomsticks still grows strong.

I continued to stay quirky over the years. It was the one consistency that I had. One of my odd habits that to this day I still have is that I'll put myself in a literally "Time-Out" if I know I did something wrong. Trust me, my parents thought it was weird, convenient but still weird.

Time flowed on and I began to really like scouting and all of its virtues. Earning belt loops was an addiction. I filled out two belts and was working on my third by the time I graduated from Cub Scouts to Boy Scouts. I distinctly remember my parents sitting me down and telling me they were proud of me. They gave me the option of continuing Scouting saying that there was no pressure to continue at this point. Since I made them happy thus far from being in Scouting I decided to continue for them. To continue making them proud.

There was a couple of things that I realized upon the first meeting of Boy Scouts.

1. Boy Scouts is a completely different atmosphere. The boys were going through puberty and were rougher than our cub scout counterparts.

2. I was once again reminded that I wasn't masculine

But most importantly:

3. BELT LOOPS DON'T TRANSFER OVER INTO BOY SCOUTS! I had to start at zero for earning badges! To be honest, this one bit of information is ever present in my life. Whenever I start something new it's always at zero. High school accomplishments don't really spill into college and so on. But yeah, I was hella pissed about that.

I've never been one for liking change but at least now looking back I can say that I welcome it but am totally shitty at transitioning through it. Some direct changes were that my parents weren't always there. I couldn't depend on them if I needed them, granted my pride would have halted me in my tracks.

Things were moving along just fine. The first year moved along to the second and so on. Finally, I crept towards 8th grade figuring my sexuality, for the most part, out. No one really fascinated me in middle school though. I'd have slight crushes but nothing that occupied my time or made me want to focus all of my attention on them.

I'll have you know as a quick disclaimer that that previous sentence was a lie. I did have two crushes that were kind of fluffy while I was in Boy Scouts but they both died immediately when they started crushing on my sister. That's, to this day, the fastest way for me to lose interest in a guy. It also translates into my writing: I hate sibling rivalry over lovers. It's so tacky and just distasteful.

As a kid, and pretty much to this date, I've been a judgy person. I heavily relied on first impressions to see if I liked people and when I met a fateful set of brothers during a Scout meeting it was no different. I went ham on judging them. They were your quintessencial "Boy Next Door" guys. I mean, you could literally cut a photo of them out of the Scouting manual it repulsed me.

Since there's a possibility that they could read this I won't be spreading the details on what they looked like but what I can say is that they were objectively attractive and still are to this day cause I like to check up on my fellow scouts on social media.  

They were everything that I hated in the world. Guys who were easily accepted into the pack. Someone who's effortlessly masculine. Can maintain conversation because they're smart. Were pursued in conversation because they were perceived as funny. They were even athletic too! My thirteen-year-old self couldn't see a crack in their armor. They were really everything that I insecurely wanted to be.

With time, they grew under my skin and I started liking them as general human beings. Like I said; they were great guys, I just had internal issues to deal with.

That all went tumbling down when I made my first wish.