Three Wishes

A Brief Sunday Morning Interlude

There's a very common topic that people like to talk about within the LGBTQ+ community: religion. As people who don't follow the heteronormative...where do we lie within the spectrum of people under God's eyes? I'd like to first point out that my viewpoint is my own and not reflective of honestly anyone else's perspective.

But to fully understand my perspective, I think it's important to get the full story. I was raised in a Catholic household but we were never very religious. When I lived in Miami we went to church and went to CCD but once we moved it became quite infrequent because we didn't find a church nearby.

Then it just stopped, we didn't have a religious presence for a while beside a monthly gathering. We later found a Catholic church that was a little bit away and by 7th grade I was walking around with a bunch of elementary schoolers for my Communion. Yeah, I was definitely a late bloomer.

Something I never told my parents was what happened in one of my Communion classes. We were wrapping up the gathering with a prayer when the teacher told us students (myself, a guy from my grade, and a bunch of elementary school kids) to pray that a law wouldn't be passed. I remember that the law was in regards towards Planned Parenthood and the whole abortion topic.

Now I'm not here to push my views but I'm very honest with my stance: the person who's carrying the baby is the person who makes that final choice. Abortion...it's not a black and white topic. There are so many scenarios that can lead someone to the fork in the road regarding that decision and let me tell you now. I may be a cis-male but I have seen through my friends where each road will take you. Both roads can ultimately lead to two different types of happiness but when you're there it's a definition of hell that I will never be able to truly comprehend.

My perspective hasn't changed much. I have always been pro-choice but how can a child in elementary school know that? How can an adult tell a child to make to pray for something that they can't even understand? That was an immediate red flag for me.

In a perfect world. I would have done things differently at that moment. Even looking back now I can distinctly remember every time I SHOULD have said something but never did. That night was the first of three instances that I wish I would have spoken up.

But I didn't. I clamped my mouth shut during the prayer and never told anyone what had happened. Remember, during 7th grade was when I was questioning my sexuality so this didn't feel like a good sign of how supportive the church would be about me being gay.

Needless to say, I told my family I was not going to continue going to CCD and that I will not be going through to Confirmation.

That was it for a little while. Everything was quiet on the religious front when my mother decided in December of the following year that we'd return to church. My mother and I never really spoke of it but I felt like she was worried about me. I had come out to her a month before and with Christmas time coming...she was concerned for my spiritual health. Knowing this, I agreed to go to church though every time I went I felt like I'd combust into flames when I stepped in.

The church we chose to go to wasn't Catholic but conveniently across the road from my neighborhood. The crowd seemed relatively nice too. While I was in church I never told anyone there that I was gay. I actually wanted to build a more solid connection to God. I wanted to be spiritually enlightened. I wanted to feel secure and protected from harm.

The second time I wanted to speak up but never did was in this church while my family still attended it. We were all there and for some reason, the topic of sexuality came up. It's tough to sit in a room of people who have such a stark opinion that didn't align with yours. To be honest, I don't remember what was said because the third instance scared the shit out of me. All I distinctly remember was that I was sitting in the middle of the church and I desperately wanted to stand in opposition. I wanted to tell them all that we just wanted to be accepted and respected same as everyone else.

But I didn't.

The third time was after my family stopped going to that church. I was in a real stump. I was hung up on Greg, the first wish guy, and I felt so lost spiritually. I needed guidance in my life and I was sure that through God I could find something.

Without telling my family, I rode my bike to church. I wanted to go there because the pastor had always been nice to me. If I spoke to him one-on-one he could help me with my specific situation. He could bring me on the path to God.

Honestly, it was a pretty spur of the moment decision that I made. It was a Saturday morning and I just felt a sudden pang of a feeling that I needed to talk to Pastor Mark. I was late as usual even though I lived so close to the building. I opened the door to catch Pastor Mark midsentence and even to this day what he said still inflicts on me.

"And that's why we need to bring gay people to God." They're lost. As the door shut behind me the church unanimously said amen. I was already going through so much pain from what was happening with Greg, growing up as the first queer person and what it'd mean to be gay within my family. I was dealing with so many insecurities.

So to hear, literally, a church of people chanting in unison that the gays just need God to be fixed. It shattered the hope I had of building a relationship with the church. Goosebumps ran through my body and I desperately wanted to scream and shout. I wanted to know why my sexuality was so important to them. I wanted to know why they so desperately wanted me to be converted to being a heterosexual as if I had CHOSEN to be this.

This was the final time I had wanted to speak up in a church. I couldn't speak though. I was literally a deer in headlights. I was genuinely afraid of staying there any longer. I ran back out and called my friend while I shakily got on my bike. I needed someone to calm me down and get me back to being grounded.

That was the last day I really "went to church". If someone invited me to a baptism, communion, holiday service, etc. I would happily accept but I never felt compelled to go back and stay there.

I took a World Religions class at my community college and learned more about various religions there. I have a broader understanding of what religion is to the individual. A ship, whose goal is to find happiness. We can choose any ship we desire but our ultimate goal is to find happiness for ourselves both inside and out.

After seeing and living I've come to my own beliefs. If religion/spiritually was a boat we had to choose then I choose to be on a small rowboat. A boat that *I* man. I can pick and choose my terms because I go at my own pace with God. There is no book that tells me what waters to navigate in.

I don't view God as a man but rather just the ultimate source of nature. Is God sentient? I don't know. I don't know if God has a specific outlined path for us or if God just rolls the dice of life and lets us take the rains to do as we please. Personally, I do good and put happiness out there, I ideally live a life where I can be of service to others. In regards to the afterlife. I choose to believe that there's something beyond death because on the days that I question that belief I freeze up and feel inflicted by so much anxiety that's tough to breathe.

I ultimately believe that there's a lot that we as people don't know.