Hopelessly Imperfect

Twenty-Five

Two weeks passed in a blur. Kind of. I couldn't do much because of the cast on my arm but I wasn't complaining much. The pain had subsided by now and my father was spoiling me to no end. And don't get me started on Nathan. He didn't leave my side. Dad even let him stay over the weekend. With my room's door open and he had to sleep on the floor. But still.

It was the day before Christmas break. My eyes roamed all around the packed gym. I was seated on the front row. Nate was holding my left hand next to me. My cast was all doodled over. I just had to wear it for three more weeks and I would be good to go. I missed drawing. Although having Nate by my side all the time was pretty awesome.

Nate squeezed my hand in reassurance when Mr. White speak. This year, instead of giving out his usual Christmassy speech, he talked about bullies and such; reassuring us that all the teachers would support us if anything like that ever happened again. He didn't hesitate to name all the repercussions for the culprit, too. The gym was silent as his gaze locked on mine. Bobbing his head, he left the microphone.

It was my turn to talk.

With a heavy heart, I walked quietly towards the center of the gym. Shyly, I gazed at my peers. My hand gripped tighter the paper on my hands. Swallowing hard, my eyes landed on a pair of grey ones. Nate smiled confidently at me and that gave me the courage to start my speech. I didn't need to look at the paper again. For once, I trusted myself as much as he trusted in me.

"Hi. I've been asked to read my English essay for you guys." I swallowed the lump down my throat, "the thing is," a grimace flashed on my face as I continued, "I tried to end my life over the summer." Deep silence reigned over. "My mom got sick a few years ago. She had cancer." I took a deep breath. "When I learned that she was sick, I didn't know what to do." My eyes paused on Anne who was listening intently despite the fact that I had already talked to her about it. "I pulled away from everyone and I put this fake mask on my face trying to become someone that I wasn't." I shifted on my feet, "Because you see, we live trying to act or dress like the teens on TV. Everyone has dreamt of being popular at least once in their life. In all truth, I found myself even lonelier." Softly, I shook my head, "I used them and they used me. And at the end of the day, I felt worse." I said that looking directly at Marissa, who ended up averting her eyes. "When Mom passed away, I hadn't told her everything that I needed to," I swallowed hard as my eyes brimmed with tears, "I hadn't hugged her enough and I felt like a complete failure." I paused for a moment, "The pain and the guilt were too much to bear." I bit my lip. "But I learned through the hard way that I was wrong. No matter how much pain and sorrow you have in your life, there's always a way to work things out." I took a deep breath, "My life has changed for the better. I'm not proud of what I did but I'm thankful that someone gave me another chance. Even if I didn't want it at the moment." I gazed at Farah. She had a sad smile on her face and gave me the thumbs up. Chris was right beside her. "The thing is, that we all have problems. All of us. And even though you sometimes feel like you're on a dead end; you just need to reach out for someone." My eyes roamed all around the room. "Confide. Share your problems." I swallowed hard and locked eyes with Nathan. "Maybe you haven't noticed it but you're not alone. No matter what, there's always a way to work things out." A sad smile played on my lips, "my mom taught me that." My voice broke and I swallowed hard again, "she was brave and even though she wasn't perfect, she was a great woman. I'm following her example by facing one of my darkest fears; sharing who I really am." My eyes were teary as I added, "because being popular isn't about dressing nice or having the latest haircut or driving the most expensive car. Being popular is about being yourself and having friends who like you for who you are." I gazed at Nate. "So, if you feel like the world is closing in on you, reach out. There will always be someone out there for you. You don't have to go through it alone. You just need to ask for help." A tear rolled down my cheek. I rubbed it away before gazing at my classmates, "Life is made of moments. But it's up to us to choose what kind of moments we want. It may sound cliché but it's true. Trust me. I learnt it the hard way." I peeked at my peers as I added, "I've learnt not to take people for granted and to share my problems. And I know that I still have a lot of things to learn and too many mistakes to make but in honor of my mother's memory, I'm trying to learn from them. I'm trying to be a better person each day; just like she would want me to." My eyes brimmed with tears as I bobbed my head, "Thank you."

Everyone was silent as I returned to my seat. Nathan, Farah and Chris started to clap. Anne and Jay too. Mrs. Clearwater. Soon, everyone was clapping. I sniffed as my heart warmed.

"I'm so proud of you, babe," Nate's eyes pierced mine. "I love you," he whispered by my ear as Mr. White retook the microphone.

My eyes brimmed with tears as I gazed at him.

He was home to me. I felt cherished and loved. I made sure to make him feel the same.

After my accident, he finally got the courage to talk to his parents. His father was too immersed in work to pay attention to him but his mother did. She was even going to therapy now. Which was great. He seemed happier and didn't even blink when his Mom had announced that she was getting a divorce.

As he interlaced our hands, a warm feeling ran through me.

Mom had left an emptiness that would never be filled.

But the rest of my heart belonged completely to Nate.