Cassandra

Chapter Fifteen

Dear Allie,

In response to what you asked in your last letter, London isn't at all interesting without you here to annoy me with questions and requests. It's the same people and the same balls and parties as always. It's enough to make my head spin and my eyes roll.

There is something I wanted to tell you, however. Lord Southerby (do you remember my telling you about him last year?) asked Nate for his permission to court me. Nate refused for various very good reasons and it was after this we found Lord Southerby to be a rake as well as a drunkard. He even made some untoward advances post this that were successfully and quickly put paid.

This brings us to yet another subject. Lord Southerby's advances were rebuffed by me but the only reason he has left me alone is Lord Hawthorne, a man named Christopher Weston or Kit as he has asked me to call him. He is Lord Southerby's cousin and is a very good, kind man. I thought him to be brooding at first but, eventually, I realised that he is just a little closed off but kinder than most others once you probe past his exterior and find his heart.

You must not tell anyone, but I think him quite handsome, too. He is very tall with dark hair and dark eyes. His features are not classically handsome but there is something about him that makes me feel he is very attractive indeed.

There is yet another thing that I shall tell you that you aren't allowed to tell anyone else, especially Nate. For, if you tell our brother, I am sure he shall castrate or even scalp Kit. If you tell, then I'll tell Nate about how you kissed the butcher's son two months ago or that one stable boy last year, so you have to promise. Here it is.

Kit kissed me.

It feels so odd to say it or, rather, write it. Now it's out there and I can't just think it in my head and decide it was all just make believe or pretend. There's another soul who knows. I was going to tell Emily first but decided to be a decent sister and have you be the first one to know.

It was different than I expected and certainly much more enjoyable than I'd ever though it would be. I felt this heat, this spark and it seemed as if I was finally at peace, at home. As much as it pains me to say it, you've kissed more people than I have (although I hope it's only those two and not more that you haven't told me about). So, is it always like that? Does a kiss always come with a feeling of being set alight from inside out? I hope it does, so that I do not have to concede and say there was something special about this particular one. It'll hurt more than it already does if it was special.

Because I cannot accept him if he ever makes an offer, even if I want to.

You already know this, Allie, and I can visualise you rolling your eyes at me in my mind's eye. I can visualise you sighing and wondering what is wrong with me. I can visualise the exasperation and disappointment I'm sure you're feeling towards your older sister who is being, in your opinion, incredibly foolish.

I'm not being foolish, though, no matter how much I'm sure you think I am. There is nothing wrong with me and my decision is not wrong. Unless, of course, protecting both you as well as myself is wrong.

That is what I'm doing, sister, and you cannot correct me there. Everything I do, I do for our family. I do what is best for us. You need me, Allie, more than I need romance or a husband. Truth be told, I don't need either of those at all. You're seventeen and you shouldn't have to fend for yourself. Nate might be our older brother, but he's always been a little too indulgent when it comes to both you and me. I love you, Alexandra Marianne Whitlock, and I do not wish to leave you. It wouldn't make me happy in the least.