Better Off

25

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't miserable.

My parents make my home life a living hell. Claiming that they can no longer trust me, they take my driving privileges away. If I'm not at school, I'm home. My parents have hardly spoken to me in days, often just staring at me as if they no longer know who I am. Maybe I deserve that. I don't quite recognize myself either. As time has gone on, I have changed. I used to think that was a good thing. Now I'm not so sure. When I look in the mirror, a stranger stares back at me.

Thorne doesn't show up to school over the next few days after we break up, not that I can blame him. Maybe it's better this way, where we don't have to see each other. I'm not sure what I would do if he were to walk into the building this instant. Maybe I'd cry and ignore his presence. Maybe I'd take it all back and beg him to forgive me. But we'll never know, because he doesn't appear. I know I shouldn't, but I worry about him. The last time Thorne didn't show up to school, he ended up being hurt pretty badly. Despite the fact that I called things off with him, I do still care. Maybe more than I should.

When Emmie finds out about my breakup with Thorne, she can't seem to believe it. She lends me her shoulder to cry on, asking me what happened. I can't tell her the truth, as the truth would hurt her, too. I can't even imagine telling her about Asher and what I found out about him, putting my friend through the pain I'm going through now. So instead I tell her half of the truth of why I broke it off with Thorne. I tell her the part about Saige showing up at my house and ratting me out to my parents. I keep the following Thorne to a bar and finding out that he's in a gang and has been lying to me the entire time we've been together part to myself.

Emmie surprises me by marching right up to Saige in the middle of the hallway, screaming at her in front of everyone. She asks how Saige could do such a thing to me, wondering how it's possible we were ever friends with her in the first place. But none of that matters now. It's all in the past.

It seems like the longer I go without Thorne, the more days that pass from our breakup, my pain only intensifies. I have to force myself not to call him, to tell him that he's all I want. I know I'm better off this way. I know I'm saving myself from worse pain in the future. So why does it feel so terrible now? Why do I hurt so badly, still?

It's February before I know it, which is crazy. How is it possible that I've already gone almost an entire month without Thorne? I see him around, which may be the worst part of all of this. He's everywhere, just as he was those first few months before we were dating. Only then, his constant presence in my life was a blessing. Now it is a curse. Thorne is no longer part of my world, yet I can't escape him. Why is it so hard to see him, even after all this time? Thorne doesn't even sit next to me in chemistry anymore, though I guess I can't blame him. What did I expect? That I would break his heart, though still have him treat me the way he used to?

I force myself out of the past and into the present. It's Saturday, and I sit on my couch staring at the TV blankly, not really paying attention to it. I'm too lost in thought, thinking of the past few days and wishing they were all just a dream.