If only I could love you

Chapter 13

(quick warning, there is a strong homophobic slur in this)

Dan opened his eyes, then immediately wished he hadn’t. He was lying on his side, facing the bathroom door. The room was swaying. The tiniest crack of light which shone through the curtains behind him was too bright, illuminating the entire room. He sat up, against the wishes of every muscle in his body. His head was fuzzy, but he knew that soon it would hurt like a motherfucking bitch. He was hung-over.

He swung his feet over and placed them on the floor, so he was sitting on the edge of the bed. He looked around, waiting for the room to stop spinning. His mouth was dry; he needed to get some water. He stood up, and almost fell over again. He stood on the spot for a few minutes and tried to regain his balance. Once he felt he could walk forwards, he slowly made his way to the bathroom. He opened the door and stepped in. there was the tiniest hint of the smell of vomit in the air. It made him feel sick. He turned on the sink and bent forward, scooping large gulps of water into his mouth. That wasn’t a good idea. He spun around and knelt in front of the toilet and threw up. He continued to do so until there was nothing left and all he could do was dry-heave. Fuck. And now the headache started. He must have drunk a lot last night. He went back to the sink and rinsed his mouth out, before making his way back towards the bed and sitting down. Come to think of it, what had happened last night? And then, it all came flooding back to him: kissing Phil and being pushed back, Phil calling him a “fag”, Zoe in his bed with some guy. Dan scrunched his eyes shut and put his head in his hands. Fucking hell. His throat tightened and he had to stop himself from hitting something. How could he have been so stupid?! Maybe it was all just a dream? Somehow, he didn’t think so.

He stood up again, and made his way towards the door. He tried to open it but it was locked. He needed to find the key. After a mad scramble around the bed, it turned out the key was on the floor right next to the door. Dan glared at it, before picking it up. He didn’t want to do this; he wanted to curl up in bed in the dark. But he had to tidy the house today. He unlocked the door and it swung open. All he could see were stairs going down and the landing below, but so far, so good. It looked normal. He held onto the bannister for dear life as he walked down the stairs, one step at a time. He got to the landing and walked over to his bedroom door. He opened it. Seeing his room made the image of Zoe and the other boy even clearer. For some reason, Dan felt relieved. He had a legitimate reason to break up with her. He also felt hurt and upset. In the dark, he could just make out that someone was sleeping on the bed. He walked over and, upon closer inspection; he could see that it was PJ. He wondered how PJ’s night had been. On the bedside table was his phone. He picked it up and turned it on. Five new messages, twelve missed calls. The time was 10:47. He pocketed his phone, walked out of the room and once more had to wait for his eyes to adjust to the light. His headache was getting worse, so he decided to go to the kitchen and get a painkiller. Once he had reached the bottom of the stairs, he could see the evidence of the party from the night before. Beer bottles littered the floor. The living room door was open and a light was flashing inside, a strobe light? The flashing was making Dan’s eyes hurt, so he shut the door. He went into the kitchen. Someone was sleeping on the table, facing away from Dan so he couldn’t see who it was. The door to the garden was open, so the room was cold, which was to be expected, since it was November. As he moved into the kitchen, something crunched under his foot. He looked down and- fuck! The floor was littered with crisps and broken bottles. There were also a few cans lying around. Dan groaned, this was going to take so long to clean up.

He made his way over to the counter, dodging broken glass, and reached up to open a cupboard. He grabbed a box of Nurofen and popped two into his mouth. Then he filled a glass with water from the tap and swallowed the pills. He went outside with his glass of water. The brick path was littered with cigarette butts and small grey gas canisters which once held laughing gas. The lawn was littered with beer bottles, vodka bottles and used balloons. Dan sat down at the black metal table in the centre of the lawn and wasn’t thrilled to find a used condom on the seat next to him. He took a small sip from his glass and took out his phone. He opened the messages.

Tom – 01:56 - Great party! Thanks!

At least someone had a good time.

Zoe – 02:13 – Habe u nevr hrard f nocking?!

Zoe – 02:32 – Dan, m so sry. ts not what it loiked like

She was obviously drunk when she sent those messages, she couldn’t even type. But does her being drunk excuse her for what she did? Did she even know what she was doing?

Zoe – 09:45 – I’ve tried calling but your phones off. We need to talk about last night. I’ll come round at around 11, I hope you’re awake by then.

Dan checked the time, it was 11:06. He sighed.

Orange Answer Phone – 09:46 – You have 12 missed calls and 6 new answer phone messages.

Dan checked his answer phone messages. They were mainly drunk people thanking him for the party, apart from one message which was Zoe saying that she was sorry, and that she was trying to call him.

Dan took another sip of water. Then, he heard the doorbell ring. He stood up, the sudden movement making his headache worse, and made his way through the kitchen and towards the front door. He opened it and, sure enough, it was Zoe. Instead of letting her in, he picked up his keys, and walked outside, shutting the door behind them. She looked up at him, but not directly making eye contact.

“So?” Dan asked, curtly.

“I…I’m so sorry, Dan” she said, remorsefully, looking down at her twiddling thumbs.

“Who was that guy?”

“He’s my friend from up north.”

“The one you’ve been seeing every weekend?”

“Yes.”

“So yesterday wasn’t a drunk, one night thing?” Dan couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He was so stupid! He had stuck around for her, thinking she loved him and that she’d hurt herself if they broke up, only to find out that she was seeing someone else the entire time?!

“No! Dan, that was the first time, I swear!”

“So you two never fucked before last night?”

She shook her head roughly.

“Have you kissed him before last night?”

Zoe paused. “I-uh…”

Dan almost laughed, “GOD! I feel so stupid! You made me think that you liked me so much. Yet, you were seeing this guy the entire time?!”

“Well when you put it like that, it sounds bad. But Dan, he didn’t mean anything to me! You do!” She looked like she was about to burst into tears again. But Dan wouldn’t fall for it this time.

Dan shook his head, “You used to mean something to me… But recently I’ve been feeling differently about you… I was too scared to break up with you in case you did something bad. I thought you were being serious.”

Zoe’s eyes were wide, “Dan…”

“No, Zoe. That’s it. I tried to break up with you before, and you started crying so I took it back. But this is it. This time, it’s over.”

She began to cry, and shook her head.

Dan almost felt bad. “Zoe, I am extremely hung-over, and I just cannot deal with you right now. Okay?”

She angrily wiped away her tears and slapped Dan hard across the cheek. “You CUNT!”

Dan’s hand flew to his face, “OW! Fucking hell!”

“This isn’t over, okay? You love me, and I love you. Call me when you realise that.” With that, she turned on her heel and walked away. Dan, still rubbing his cheek turned, unlocked the door, and went back inside. He slid down and sat against the door, closing his eyes. His head hurt, his body hurt, and his brain was fuzzy, but he was pretty sure that he had just broken up with Zoe. He felt relieved. Now, he needed a cigarette. Before he stood up, his phone buzzed in his pocket. He took it out and read the new text.

Phil – 11:22 – Can we talk? I’ll be at the boxing club all day.

(AN: pretty long considering nothing really happened, oh well <3 as usual, I hope you enjoyed it! BTW, Nurofen is a painkiller, in case anyone didn’t know)