So It Starts (boyxboy)

Chapter Three

Chapter Three:
HARRY'S POINT OF VIEW
I had thought that the X Factor would be the most important thing on my mind at that time, but it wasn't. It was always Louis. And that's what I like to tell myself now, a constant chant playing in my head- alwayslouis, alwayslouis, alwayslouis. Everything I did from the X Factor onwards was for him. Everything I am is for you Louis.
*
The X factor was a time of being judged. Every moment scrutinised by peers and our judges before it was projected right into the public eye. It was a time of working and working hard, where I always wanted to act more sophisticated then I was and older then I truley am. Maybe I should have lightened up a bit and enjoyed the weeks as they flew quickly by, but I always had Louis by my side. An energetic, blunt young man always at my side, answering my jokes or replying to the mindless chatter as I tried to express how fucking terrified I was as life went in a blur around me. I wish I had payed more attention to him but there seemed to never be any time. Time. I would trade all the nights I spend falling asleep nowadays in a drunk haze inbetween shows and areana tours for another moment to have spent by his side- before the scrutinizing eyes spotted something which I hadn't even worked out the extent of myself.
*
After the happenings of bootcamp I was left with four other boys and the shared dream of becoming noticed. And hell did we eventually get noticed but I'm no longer sure if we all wish we did. We had decided to meet at my house situated in Holmes Chapel, Cheshire. It was about three and a half hours drive from London where most of the auditioning had taken place for me, but it was a relief to be home and gain back at least a little sense or normality. Awaiting the other boys at home had made me feel paranoid. It instantly reminded me of being ten years old and wondering what my new friend and I could do when he came round as I didn't want either of us to be bored nor have awkward silences emphasising how we really didn't know each other all that well.
But luckily we had much to discuss with the rest of the 'boyband' or 'group' as the called us on the X Factor. Boyband. The word feels silly and chilish to me as if we were adolecents set to have young girls gossiping about the somewhat goodlooking teenages performing their choreographed dances whilst singing out love songs that hadn't been written by them and blowing kisses to the audiences and winking to cameras as they had rehearsed. But our dream wasn't just to be told what to do 24/7 and managed to the point of losing who we once were. But I suppose to the older and sophisticated grown-ups whose jobs it were to help us into the real world, that was all we were. Young boys who would be used to make money out of the young girls and boost the popularity of their show.
As all five of us gathered into my sitting room we discussed how we didn't want to be controlled yet how we didn't exactly know what we're doing and needed some guidance. How we wanted to be liked but not for the image of the group or autotuned voices on the radio. How we wanted to sing in the genre of pop not for the appeal to teenagers but because we wanted to win it back as being the smoother sounding rock'n'roll for people who weren't keen on the hard edged stuff, and for people to generally like our music for how we sounded- not because other people liked it and it was the popular thing (like some other songs at the time which could have been written in two minutes with the same lines repeated again and again and putting a bad name on pop).
We also agreed on the name of our group- One Direction which I came up with after being tossed cringey names like 'Status Single' from my dad. I liked the sound of One Direction and the boys especially picked up on it when I mentioned how we just had to keep going in one direction to win it all. And in that direction we still go to this day and I try hard not to regret it but the name constantly mocks me, asking if we went the wrong way. As how could it have been the right direction if it lead to Louis no longer being quite able to meet my gaze.
*
Sitting on the leather seats of a black vehicle set on taking us to some mystery house in some mystery place to meet our mystery judge, I look over at Louis. He's lightly breathing, eyes scrunched closed and ignoring the other boys as the mix of their different voices continue in their constant chatter. We're at the very back of the van, just me and him, as Niall, Zayn and Liam sit in front of us. The group has sort of split in half as we haven't gotten to know each other too well yet as a whole group and I may have been trying to keep Louis' attention on me. It sounds silly just I don't want to lose him already and being the only one I really know, it's comforting having him next to me. When he's laughing with the others, I feel slightly annoyed like they're taking the closest thing I have to a best friend here from me. I only like it when he makes me laugh. So the other boys have got used to each other as they have yet to do with us, whilst Louis and I share our secluded place. His head his leaning on the window, making the vibrations from the journey present itself in Louis; his head slowly shaking and sometimes rocking from side to side. It doesn't look comfy. I find myself peeking looks at him through my hair as I don't want to wake him as I know it's easy to feel when someone's eyes are on you. I have an urge to pull him to me, cuddle him in, just because that really doesn't look too comfy. But I don't. I'm worried because, is it weird? We're practically best friends even in this short amount of time. But I don't want him to think of it as a flirty thing because it's not like I fancy him or anything, he was just my first little childish crush from back when I thought there was something wrong with me. I just want to make him actually be able to get some rest without jolting around every two minutes. Would the others find it weird and gay or... I'm over thinking this. If I was normal, you know like straight, and if I would be able to just think of any other guy as a friend I wouldn't be overthinking this and he would be in my arms. So I shift him over so he can lean on my shoulder and I suddenly feel self-conscience of my breathing as I try to make it softer and less predominant without suffocating myself. I wonder if this is a good idea before shutting of my thoughts and focus on the feeling of knowing that at least for the time being, Louis is mine, even though I know that it's not as if anyone is going to take him away from me.