in and out of love

fifteen

The folded paper was left alone to linger in Louis' cupboard under his pile of clothes. For some reason, he refuses to read it. Harry hurt him so bad, he messed up his life so successfully- Louis is not so vile to let him back in graciously even though he loves Harry to bits, he loves Harry more than anything in the damn world.

At the moment, Louis is trying to stand up on his own legs and so far, he's on par. He's getting so much better, but he strongly prevents his mind to think about Harry's words still piercing his fragile heart 'I don't love you anymore', 'We aren't happy anymore'- aka 'never good enough, never good enough' for Louis. Thinking about that drags Louis down to the pit of darkness, once again.

It's already April, and Louis' life became a routine cycle. Work and Kate and Kate and Work and sometimes friends.

He can't help but wonder what Harry is doing at times and he gets an uneasy feeling in his stomach that something might have gone wrong. He hates that feeling.

Louis was working, taking calls and typing away on his computer when he got the itch. All of a sudden he wanted to know what Harry had written in the letter after avoiding it for two months.

He glanced at his watch, 3 pm, one more hour and he's out.

After picking Kate from the daycare, he literally rushed home picking the public transport. Louis placed his daughter in her room and went into his own, searching for the letter, he desperately wants to read.

His hands are shaking, the paper lying in his hands and he doesn't have any clue why he's so damn nervous.

.

Lou,

I'm sorry. I know that isn't enough, that is never enough for what I've done. I love you. I mean it, you would not believe me or trust me but I want you to know that I love you.

I didn't have guts to come and tell this in front of you, so I thought this might help me pour my heart out. Each and every word is true.

I fucked up, badly, and I hate myself for it so much. Every single day after I realised what I have done, I never stopped beating myself for it. I didn't know how I could even think about leaving such a beautiful person, such an amazing person like you just to satisfy my own needs. I'm sorry, Lou.

I was jealous, I was so jealous that you started paying more attention to Katherine and you just left me. I felt so lonely, I wanted you by my side all the time. It's extremely stupid, I know, fuck, I know that but Louis, I crave for your attention but when I didn't get it, I got tired. I feel so sick when I think about it now.

We stopped making love, we stopped our outings, we even stopped talking, we were going in a negative direction. Kate liked your warmth more than my warmth and that took my frustration to another level.

And then, Cody came into the picture. He was going through a rough patch too and we decided to go to a pub to get free and everything started from there. I was so angry with you, Lou. I thought you fell out of love with me, and that thought hurt more than anything. I started hanging out with him more, my sexual desires were fulfilled by him and I wanted you to know how much I mean to you but you didn't even budge.

Slowly, I got used to him, I started liking him, not for his personality or anything but the fact that he wanted me, he started following me and I liked it so much. I'm being honest.

All those words, whatever I told you, I never meant them. You mean the entire world to me. I still don't know why I wanted to apply for a divorce, I still don't know why I moved in with Cody, I didn't know what I was doing.

I missed you. I miss you. I missed Kate. I miss everything about us, about you. I wish I could turn back time and had a talk among us if I ever could. But, you and I, we both know that's not possible.

That day when I came back to you because you called me about Kate, you were crying and yelling at me, my heart broke into fragments. I broke you again, Lou, I mended you but I broke you even. Those slashes and burns were because of me, your eyes were so dead because of me. I decided I was useless, useless to be in your life.

I started drinking. So much that my day went incomplete without it. I was drowning in it to forget about the colossal damage I caused. I was fucked up. I went back to my mum's, even she stopped talking to me, Lou.

So, I came back, plus they were too many pictures of us.

I wanted you to move on, I stopped talking to you after that night because you deserve someone who looks after you like you're the king. I failed at it, but.

I lost my job shortly, all I do is sit at home, drinking. I don't even know what I'm doing. I realised how much I needed you to put me in place.

If I get a text from you after you read this, we should talk it out. But, if I don't- I'll leave you. Forever.

I love you, so much. I'm sorry.

I love you guys so much!