What Lasts in Us

CHAPTER FORTY THREE

There's a quote from this game I used to play on PlayStation 3. I played it over and over and its message is still as profound and important as the first time I heard it. It was called The Last of Us and it involved a man escorting a young girl across a post-apocalyptic North America. Dad made me play it because it was yet another thing in pop culture that dealt with the end of the world.

But there was this quote that Joel said towards the end of the game, when he was talking to Ellie. He said he struggled for a long time with surviving. And the more I think about it, I do, too. Maybe it comes down to survivor's guilt. Maybe it could be classified as something else.

Maybe it comes down to the decisions I make.

I don't know. There's so much I don't know anymore. There's so much I don't understand. I used to think I knew a lot, but since I no longer have the guidance of my parents, I've never second-guessed myself more in my life.

Though I had them in my life before I became an adult, I still feel like I had a lot of growing up to do – a lot of experimenting, to see how and who I would turn out to be. And no, I'm not talking about trying alcohol or trying marijuana. I'm talking about the right way to survive, the right way to kill people. I needed guidance. I had none.

I never wanted to be alone until I found company. It's funny, when you're alone and you want company, but when you have company you want to be alone. Humans can be so strange.

But obviously the need to survive was much stronger than the need to be alone – for a time. I guess once I learned how to survive, I then tried to make it out on my own - then my values started to change. I don't think there's a person out there who can really doubt the way I went about things, but I'm sure there are.

But you know what? I rarely admit when I'm wrong, because it opens the floodgates for doubt.

And I try to push these doubts aside, to get them as far away from me as possible. Because if there's one thing that will ultimately destroy you, it's self-doubt. If it's just you, relying on just yourself to survive, how are you ever going to achieve anything if you doubt yourself?

For years I struggled with it, and pairing that with the notion of possibly not wanting to go on, you've got yourself a killer combo.

Somehow, it got better. I found something that kept me going, even if it was only day to day. It's the little steps, not the overall picture, that you need to think about. Whether it's getting from point A to B, and the distance between the two locations was only a two hour walk. At least it's something to focus on.

I know plenty of people found their thing, their niche, that kept them going. I never really found a 'thing'. It was more of a thought, an idea, and just by living day by day brought me closer to it.

You never really question your life choices until you no longer have any choices. Or a life, per se. Who can call this a life? Who can say you have any life choices, when you're basically living half a life and the life you're leading is basically you just trying not to get yourself killed?

Tough question.

But several years later, I think I might've found my 'thing'.

It might only be an 'idea', but in the history of ideas, an idea is just as powerful as anything else – if not more.

Thank you Dad for jogging my memory.